It's looming. I am reminded almost daily. I can see it in so many ways. In 26 days my baby will be one year old. I snuggled her as she napped today instead of putting her in her crib to "get things done". I sat in the quiet peacefulness of her room. I smelled her hair. I felt her skin. I listened to her breath. I giggled as she snored. My precious little one. My mind rolled through the last year. At this time last year I was at the end of my pregnancy begging for it to be over. It's summer time in Florida and being pregnant is probably the worst thing next to not having air conditioning. I remembered the anxiousness and the fear. I smiled at the planning and the expectations. I considered the person I was just one year ago. It is a gross understatement to say "so much has changed" but verbally that is the only way to really capture this year. My eyes teared up as I remembered rocking my little newborn and praying God would force me to slow down and relish these moments. Wishing I could capture time in a bottle. I think back to the first time she rolled over, sat up and ate food. The pain of going back to work still stings some times. This week was especially a painful reminder. The director stopped me on my way out one morning to "discuss transitioning Ashley to the 1 year old room" and all the changes that go along with it. She has to start wearing shoes to school, eat food on their meal plan and conform to their schedule...lunch at 11am and naps at 12pm. I suppose if it were left to me she might eat baby food and use a bottle until she was 5. *sigh* but I am a working mom and these are the rules of the game at day care. Uncomfortably pushed to the next step...in some ways thankful and in some ways resentful.
Never has a year meant so much to me. Never have I been made to feel so much raw emotion.
This was the year my Grandpa passed away. I was finally able to take the ashes I have (8 months later) and transfer them to their resting place in my house. My heart ached. My stomach churned. His rocking chair is carefully positioned in Ashley's play room so that I can rock her there and sit and watch her play as I imagine he would have done. He would have really adored this little girl.
We are on the tail end of our move. We have lived in the same house since moving to Florida 9 years ago so as you can imagine moving was huge ordeal. Packing up years of acquired crap and memories. We swore we would "go through everything"...sheesh, we're lucky all our stuff made it over here let alone go through it! eh' always good to have goals. This too was emotional. So many memories in that home. The most impactful, the decision to have a family. Thus moving into a bigger home as our family grows. The new house is amazing and I truly look forward to making more memories in this home.
As I get closer to the big day...26 days away...who's counting; I'm sure I will be emotional. I'm sure it will be fun. I'm sure I will have the love and support of those who know what it feels like to cross this threshold. I'm sure I will look into the eyes of my little girl and know it's been the best year of our lives.
