Slowing it down, Progressive Insurance style

My husband thought it would be a great idea to install Progressive Insurance "trackers" in our cars. He had high hopes of getting cheaper car insurance once the reports came back and Progressive saw what stellar drivers we were. I told him before he even ordered them it was a bad idea.  I'm not a horrible driver, never been in an accident, maybe a speeding ticket, but nothing serious. Buuuut, I know I have a lead foot and do too much while driving. I knew the report would not lie and he and Progressive would see the truth about my driving skills. In the first week I got 23+ hard stops...Please note the tracker beeps every time you make a hard stop...so I am fully aware how many times a day it goes off. My husband...zero. This went on for several weeks. Finally one Sunday morning we were discussing this tracker and I kept telling him "it's a bad idea, our insurance is going to go up!" his response "why don't you just drive better?" Ummmmmmm....what?! I nearly spit my coffee out. I howled with laughter. It sounded so simple but I had been fighting the dang tracker since before it arrived. I never even thought about changing my driving habits. I just thought about how I was going to get "caught" driving badly. I had just accepted it.
That following Monday as I got in the car, I thought, let me just "try" to drive better. Let's see what happens. I put my phone away. In my purse. Out of reach. I gave the mini everything she could possibly need on our way to school and off we went. The result, no beeps. Well, well! I thought. He might be onto something. As the week went by almost no beeps. I begged my husband; look at my report card! It's so much better! I was amazed at what a defensive and poor driver I was! I had my phone in hand most of the time, drinking coffee, changing the radio, talking on the phone, etc... I stopped. I slowed down. I stopped tailgating other drivers. I stopped being that jerk that could cause a serious accident. I never thought of myself that way.
My driving time is much nicer. I still get there in the same amount of time. I am calmer. I started to wonder where else in my life I was defensive...aggressive...overstimulated...over extended?
JUST. ABOUT. EVERYWHERE. 
Constantly, I criticize my self for not doing the things I "put my mind to". I bought a book that was recommended called "Love is a Choice" (EXCELLENT book, so far...) 1/4 of the way in, it referenced  a couple other books to read, I bought all of them. A friend recommended a parenting book, I bought it. I am only 1/2 though the first book and have amassed a pile of books staring at me. Reminding me I don't have time haven't made time to read them. But I had to have them.
My body. I went to my annual physical; all my counts, levels, tests were excellent. Well under where they should be. My weight, 10lbs over where I need to be. If we are honest, 20 lbs over where I should be. I went to Checkers for lunch that day. I don't have haven't made the time to eat well. But I had to stop there. Had to eat the junk I was just told not to.
Parenting. I am not consistent. I brag about what a great routine the mini is on. I started reading another book I bought and sure enough, when I really took a look at our routine....not exactly as "great" as I thought it was.  Could account for the awesome tantrums the mini has been throwing and some of her defiance. Tonight, tried a new way, and I think it just might work. Success.
As I sit here writing this to all the women and mom's out there feeling defensive, aggressive, overstimulated and over extended; relish the little victories. Tonight, I am a better driver. Tonight, I think I am on to something for a new routine. I did not have to wrestle my alligator of a child into bed. Success. In between the mundane routine...work, daycare, dinner, clean up, shower, exhale, bed, do it all again days...find moments of enlightenment and success. My successes no longer comes in the form of a degree, new job, new boyfriend, a marriage proposal, new city, new house, or a promotion...they come when I decide to drive better. They come when I get a massage or a pedicure. They come when I step out with my girlfriends for a night out. They come when I read a book I've put off. That is my life right now.
Thank you husband of mine for being cheap and trying this Progressive tracker to save a buck. You just might have saved my sanity...for now :)
Glass of wine in hand....I'm off to finish my parenting book. Success!

The Wild, Wild West of Daycare

Any parent who sends their kid to daycare realizes there are potential risks. Biting is unfortunatley one of them. I'm putting this story out there because I am certain it will ring true to several of you....To bring you up to speed, the mini has been in the 1 year old room since August so call it 6 months. Since being there we have not been overly thrilled with the daycare for various reasons. She has gotten bit twice for starters. Once on her arm; more a wide mouth bite that did not break the skin and the 2nd on the tip of her finger and to be fair had DC not told us it was there; we would never have noticed. Now, to be realistic, I realize bites are par for the course for this age group. I think the fundamental problem is the state's ratio is 1 teacher for 6 kids. Are you freaking kidding me?! who ever made this ratio must never have had children. There is NO way that 6 1year old kids can be adequately supervised by 1 poor adult. BUT, that is the state's rules and that is what DC's follow. So last week I got a call on Wednesday that Ashley got bit...again. I was upset but based on the last two bites I didn't get super worked up. HOWEVER, when I got there and realized the severity of the bite (looks like a dog bite that broke the skin) I was not very happy. Not to mention the bite happened at 11am ish and I got a call at 330ish. So I had words with the teacher and the asst director. Although very apologetic, more or less, par for the course. Humf. **guilty mom wave washes over me** I politely ask if my kid instigated the bite? is she aggressive? does she bite? does she hit? no, no, no, no she is a great kid. Ok then in that case what can I do differently as a parent to protect my child? and at what point will she become aggressive given she needs to "protect" herself at school? No good answer. Naturally.
Thursday morning, I speak with the director (who in fairness is new as of January 4) and show her the bite. She is horrified and will get to the bottom of it. I begrudgingly drop Ashley off with her new "boo boo" as she calls it and kiss her little 1 1/2 year old head. I feel like I am dropping her off in the wild. **guilty mom wave washes over me** She will be fine I tell myself as I cry my way to work. As I settle into my day, I get a call from DC, two things the director says....1. Ashley got bit again today 2. the kid who bit her has been dis-enrolled. I am in shock. You have got to be kidding me?! I try and keep my cool as my co - workers start gathering around realizing something is very wrong.  I hang up in shock and confusion. You don't read about what to do in these situations. Parent instinct is supposed to kick in right? What do I do? Cooler heads prevail and my co workers push me out to go get Ashley. I cry out of frustration, guilt and anger.  1st and foremost I am a parent and I am supposed to protect my precious baby 2ndly I have a job to do. I have responsibilities in both areas that are not jiving right now. I feel guilty for leaving work but I feel guilty if I left my child there. I am angry I have to make the decision to leave work and I am angry my child is hurt, again. I cry all the way to DC. The scene at DC is just what you would imagine apology after apology. I keep my sunglasses on to hid my red puffy eyes until I see my baby. As soon as she sees me she bursts into tears and so do I. I scoop her up and we stand in the middle of the 1 year old room crying. Both hurt and frustrated. There stand the director, assistant director and teacher at a complete loss. What can the possibly say in this moment. Damage done.  Ashley backs her head up and looks at me to say "home?" "yes baby we're going home" I spin on my heals and say a quick and quiet "thank you" and head out. The director trails me and apologizes the whole way. On my way out the infant teacher, who we love, catches my eye. She knows. I give her a half hearted smile. There is nothing anyone can say or do.  Luckily my husband, who has been out of town all week, comes home that night. We talk through the situation. I've gotten feed back from co-workers, my mom, friends, family etc.... our heads swim with decisions. Some people say "oh it's normal, sorry you are going through this. Been there." Some people say "that is horrifying, I would pull my kid out!" Neither makes me feel better. If it was that easy to just "pull my kid out" I sure as hell would. But it's not. That means time off work to research a new place, pay the initiation fees, plunk the mini down in a place she nor I are familiar with, hope to God she adjusts, and pray she does not get bit her first week....It's just not that easy. We have to muscle through this. We have to pray on this. I need to fight off the guilt demon. I must believe we are  making the right decision for my family.
All things aside, I pray for the family of the little one who bit my baby. As shitty as my day was, I didn't get the call my kid is being kicked out of DC on a Thursday, come get him. WTF!? As a parent I would be horrified and scared. Where do I take him? how do I get him to stop? what if he bites in the new DC? who is taking Friday off to go find a new DC? OMG. My baby will heal on her skin and in her heart. This family is going to struggle everywhere they go until the biting is under control. Based on the directors description of how his parents reacted; this family will struggle with agression issues on a go forward unless they make a new decision. To put it in perspective, this kid has been a biting offender since July and bit more times than I will let on. The previous director should be fired for her negligence.
Today a week or so later, the bad bite is nearly healed. The last bite is non-existent. My precious baby is asleep peacefully in her bed dreaming. The weather is beautiful and I breath a sigh of relief. This week God blessed us again, we have been accepted into a new DC and the mini will start in August once she is 2. We prayed, not for getting into the school, but we prayed for a solution. We prayed she would get in don't get me wrong, but also for strength and guidance if she didn't. Thank the Lord we don't have to make that decision.
Our current DC has made several immediate changes and the director gave us the long term changes as well. I believe this will not only benefit us as we navigate through these upcoming months but every child who enters their doors. I hope and pray DC providers understand the gravity of their jobs. Parents drop their most precious gifts off to them in trust. They are our partners in raising our children. They become part of the fiber that shapes our children's lives. They do not get paid enough. The unfortunate part is DC's are businesses. They need attendance and to turn a profit. That doesn't always benefit the child. What a shame. Please know, I am a huge proponent of DC. I think Ashley has flourished under their care; more than what I can provide at home. I know they have been a part of that. I will always feel guilt. I will always want more time with her. But when I see her interact, talk, play, etc...I know we are ultimately doing the right thing for her and for us. God has not let us down yet. Another lesson in trust and faith. In our darkest most confused hour, He answered our prayers. We should have known he would.

New Years Resolutions

Ok so I don't ever make New Year's Resolutions. I just can't seem to stick to anything, ever. Last year I was super ambitious and opted to commit to flossing daily. That lasted literally two days and the flossers are still in my car today. Best of intentions. This year, I happen to read on Pinterest about a plan to commit to one thing every month. Ok maybe, just maybe, I can do that. I've been thinking about it for a few weeks now and here's what I came up with...

January - "Just Stop January" The holidays were overwhelming for my wallet and my waistline. I'm looking at January like a fast. Only my version...80-90% fasting. I am committing to stop spending money this month; to use what I have. Today is 1/3 and I have bought 4 books (two were gifts, justifiable as they are delayed Christmas gifts, right?) and one lunch out. Ummmm...not looking so good. But I am committed to pushing though and keep working at it. I am also committing to healthier, cleaner eating in January. Thus one of the books I bought is called "It Starts with Food". Eating packed lunch in the office vs. getting fast food or carry out. Better food choices in general. Today I had Mel's Hot Dog's for lunch (hey it was a stressful day!). Ummmm....not looking so good. 

What I am figuring out is: 1. I have a hard time committing to anything 2. I have a real struggle with what I am "entitled" to because "I work so hard". I can justify any purchase or junk food fest and finally 3. I have a hard time committing to anything. Notice a theme? 

I got to thinking about the other months. What are some other ill's plaguing my heart? An interesting list grew:

• No Face Book 
• No gossiping 
• Quit swearing (for 30 days! *#$&#*@)!)
• Take care of my feet (I know it sounds weird but my feet are a hot mess..they need some love)

That's as far as I got.  I should really be able to commit to something, anything for 30 days.  This is my prayer, for God to help me stick January out. Help me think through this month of gluttonous detox and make some better choices. Watch my pennies and my waistline. Both of which could use a little tending to. Then I'll see what is on my heart come February.

Here's to giving resolutions a whirl...if you have made you're own resolutions; I'll be praying for you. Maybe you can ride along with me and try out 30 day resolutions. Let me know! Obviously, God is talking to my heart and resting these issues there for me to concentrate on. Maybe the commitment is really to open my ears to what He's trying to tell me. 

Truth in Pictures

The above picture is from our Christmas cards this year. For me, this is the epitome of Home and Garden magazine perfect. What our photographer captured is everything I have ever dreamed my life to be...husband, dog, kid, nice house, beautiful Christmas decor, etc... I find myself working more and more everyday toward this type of perfect. The unattainable perfect. While there is definitely some truth in pictures...in our house it would look more like: Mommy - sweatpants, no make up (ummm, yikes), hair (unwashed) up in a clip and probably food and/or snot on my shirt. Daddy - Duck Dynasty shirt (wears everyday, regardless), sweat shorts and bed head. Ashley - onesie, pants, one sock on and one sock off, hair EVERYWHERE, banana in her hair and food on and in her shirt. Now, lucky for our friends and family that picture didn't grace our cards. But that picture is the truth. That is our life...for real. But everyday, I strive for perfection. The unattainable type.
This week we had some daycare drama.  Drama that has us considering a daycare change. That said, I've never felt the type of indecisive, gut checking feelings that this situation has faced us with. In truth, day care is a choice. If we had to or chose to we could live off one income. Our daycare is a choice, we could pull Ashley out and place her at a new facility. So in light of these choices, I feel guilt. Are we doing the right thing? are we being selfish? Now, by drama I am not talking our kid got beat up, abused, harmed, etc... Our expectations are not being met in her current class room; not in the educational or nurturing sense. Our director has expressed that their expectations are the same as ours and they will work on her classroom. Only time will tell. It's a horrible feeling thinking you are gambling on the welfare of your child. But are we really? are we being over zealous? WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL US PARENTING WAS SO HARD!? parenting pushes and pulls your heart and mind in ways they have never been pushed.
Perfection. It is the master to which we work everyday. Make more money, buy more cool things, do more in life. Money = better life. Daycare, the entity we pay to help us work harder for more money. Daycare, this place we expect to be equal to us day in and day out with 10x more kids. Daycare, our co-parent; the crutch that we lean on to help us to perfection. The unattainable kind.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses. So that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong"
Our pastor said today "Shape your lens with truth or your circumstances will shape them for you" Isn't that the freaking truth. The more I seek perfection, the more I come up empty. I will never get there. Isn't that disappointing? or is it?  It has been in that disappointment; in that black hole of chasing that I found God. Because of course, a piece of the puzzle of this image is you go to Church like a good person. I am trusting God to lead us through this daycare dilemma. I am not trying not to let the insecurities of my weaknesses get the best of me. Ashley is an amazing kid and gift to us. I'm trying to let the perfect go so I don't bestow this lovely gift upon her.
Below is a picture of what really happened when we got our pictures taken...the ones that were (of course) not chosen to reflect our Home and Garden family....they are hilarious and I should have used them. Next year. There's always grace in the future. 

Ashley ran around like a crazy kid...well, she is one and a half. Maybe she is the one who will teach us grace. After all, she is the answer to so many prayers already.

We are F-A-M-I-L-Y!

As I was drying my hair this morning I actually took a look at myself; a good long look in my eyes. I saw the traits of my family. A melting pot of resemblances. It is the holidays. A time to reflect and give thanks. The truth is, I think about my family and judge, judge, judge. I think of hurts, words that should have gone unsaid and open wounds. I think of the saying "you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family" it occurred to me today...that is by design. We are placed into our family dynamic (dysfunctional as it may be) for a reason. These people are there to shape and mold our being. They are the fiber of our make up. From grandparents, aunts, cousins, uncles, moms and dads. It's easy to look on the outside and see the similarities...but if I take a hard look at the inside the resemblances are there too. From simple things like my laugh to the heavy heartedness of a life lead astray. 

The holiday season usually jogs my memory bank of times tucked way back in the recesses of my mind. Memories of family Thanksgivings at my Grandparent's, Christmas Dinners, and the excitement of stockings and presents. Today, my family is spread all over the US from AZ to VA from MI to FL. The holidays are not what they used to be. They don't bring that tingle in my soul or the excitement of things to come. We moved to Florida almost 10 years ago. At the time it was the right thing to do. John and I needed a chance to make our own way. Where I come from people generally don't move too far away from their family. To my point, both sets of my grandparents lived in the same town I grew up in and the rest of the fam was not but an hour away. It was refreshing to have a new life in Florida. When the holidays came around those first few years I would cry but in a way I was relieved. Now I have my own daughter and the longing of the past is creeping up more and more. I'm sad she will not know holidays as I did. I am sad she will not know her family like I did. But Florida is a choice. We have made our way and we have made so many amazing friends who have become our family. While we do not look the same, our hearts are the same. That's the holiday's Ashley will know.

This holiday season is starting to feel differently. There is a recurrence of the feeling; the word: grace. Both sides of my immediate family are splintered. Both for different reasons. The heartache for me is the same. For years these feuds or sicknesses have prevailed. No solution, no one working on a solution. No grace for anyone. No peace. While we all continue on with our day to day lives I imagine the sadness lingers. The loss of family whether we all care to admit it or not is an open wound. Given the chance I think we would all do something different. But the past is what it is....the future however has the opportunity for a chance; a change. The saying is right you can't pick your family. Knowing what I know today, taking away the judgement, taking away the pain, I wouldn't pick anyone differently. I am who I am today, my laugh, my personality, my nose, my confidence, my insecurities, the entire package, because of each of them. They are the ones who I need in my life. Good or bad (depending on how you look at it) God put them in my path as MY family, blood, for a reason. The same blood that courses through their veins is my blood. You can pick your friends and that is an amazing opportunity. 

As you sit around your holiday tables this season...try not to roll your eyes. Try not to judge. Try to look at each person around you as God's divine choosing for YOU and YOU for them. 

God Bless you this Christmas Season. Best of luck to make your way through this crazy time of year. Maybe, just maybe, this is the season for change. But, maybe the change is within you.

Missed Opportunity

I missed it. I knew I missed it while I was missing it. Ashley and I spent last Saturday wandering around Walmart. As I pulled in the parking lot I looked around not to park next to a hoopdy mobile, I didn't want my precious car to get a door ding or broken into *JUDGEMENT*. We walked in and I held my purse close and my daughter in my sights and close at hand. I stood in the customer service line internally rolling my eyes at the employees who didn't speak much English; "if they are going to work here; they need to speak English..." *JUDGEMENT* I eyed up the other shoppers in front of me and walking through the door. "nice outfit, cheap purse, could have brushed your hair...and teeth, must have to shop here...." *JUDGEMENT* all little things running through my mind as I waited. I returned my item and we wandered the store to pass the time. We perused the clearance merchandise only to find "toilet skins" like a skin for your cell phone but for your toilet seat. "OMG seriously who buys this shit!" I thought to my self. *JUDGEMENT* I ruffled my brow, rolled my eyes. "Ugh, I hate this store." But we wandered anyway. We picked up a pair of shoes for Halloween, a few outfits for Ashley, Christmas pj's, hair bows and rubber bands. None of which we needed but wanted, I guess. Then we took our selves over to the toys. "Let's just check out what they have here" I told Ashley. She did not need ONE MORE THING. Not an outfit, a toy, a book. NOTHING. We passed by an aisle where I noticed a lady pulling change out of her pockets and making piles on an empty shelf. I paused. I knew what was going on....she had a basket full of things and she was trying to see how much money she had to pay for said items. Stunned, I made a loop and went down the other side to see this again. I froze. I stared. Thank God she didn't see me. *JUDGEMENT* OH HOW SAD. I kept moving. Mind shift..."is there anything else we need sweetheart?" I say to my daughter. We head out another $50 spent, er wasted. I got home and didn't give the lady counting change another thought.

Sunday at Church the service went something like this.... "Terminate prejudices in your life", "be an instrument, not a barrier of the Good News", "Don't allow comfort to limit God's plan". My head ached and my stomach churned. My eyes burned with tears. I had failed. I had missed an opportunity. In all my greed and selfishness I only worry/worried about myself. God stired my soul. I thought to myself "why didn't you go put back all the shit in your cart you have no business buying and absolutely NO need for....why didn't you get this girl a gift card or cash. SHOW her God's grace and LOVE." I have more than I need, never enough that I greed. I prayed in this moment for God to stop me. Please don't let me miss another opportunity in my life. Our pastor said...."we are not responsible for everyone, just the people that God puts in our path" He was right. She was put in my path to help. I could have been an instrument to God's Good News; to God's love. I have prayed for this girl everyday since then. I think I will pray for her and others like her everyday forever. I feel my shortcomings. I feel all the weaknesses. I spend so much time convincing myself what a great person, how giving and kind I am. Maybe I am, when it's convenient. God has a way of opening our eyes with the sights and sounds of what shakes us to the core. He has a way of speaking to us as we need it. Thank God. 

The Big Mud Run

Ashley just turned a year old in August.  So prior to that, I was preggers and sick, sick, sick through out my pregnancy. Needless to say my body, as far as exercise is concerned, is starving. In a moment of sheer weakness, I agreed to participate in the Keel and Curley Winery Blue Berry Stomp mud run on a team of four. That being said, a mud run or something like that has been on my bucket list for a while now but there has always been a good reason not to participate. This time, no good reason. I decided I'm just going to do it. When I signed up I had 56 days till the big run. PLENTY of time, I told myself, to prepare physically. I would get up in the mornings a few days a week and run. I could get my work out video's out (dust them off) and do those. I will walk nightly with my husband and kid. NONE of which happened. Well, if you count walking strolling down the street around the cul-de-sac and back home...approximately .0026 miles, then in that case I worked it out HARD! Or not. Once I got close to the big day I decided I better not train because I am always a bullet out of the gun the first time I run/work out or like Toby Keith said..."I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was!

The big day was upon me. I jumped out of bed at 6am, made my coffee and breakfast and I was out the door. Jamming out all the way to Colleen's (BTW she is the culprit for signing me up). When I got there we were all smiles. We stood around for a bit talking up the anticipation and excitement. Then we were off. The winery was crazy packed but the buzz of excitement was all around. We were out with the 9am group. WOW. Now, I realize this run in terms of mud runs (at a mere 2.5 miles) is probably considered "easy"....it was not. Literal mud, ravines of mud, mounds of mud, hay stacks to climb, barrels to bear crawl over, planks to walk, etc. and just the freaking running in between. Oh. My. Word. I am out of shape. When I crossed the finish line I was pleasantly surprised. I did it! I completed my first "run". Part of the allure of signing up was you got a free wine glass and two free drink tickets for afterwards...score! So we drank and ate. Just all of us girls. And it was SO NICE. It felt good to be there. Good to be me. Good to be out of the bubble of my normal life. Good to be with other women and moms. Good to be a muddy, sweaty, buzzed mess.

When I woke up the next morning EVERYTHING hurt. WOW. I am not 20 anymore and I cannnnnnot just physically jump into something like this. Two days later I'm still sore BUT I smile because its an "I'm still alive" sore. I can still do anything I want in this life. I just have to decide. Or Colleen will just sign me up...haha! This will not be my last run; however I will "train" for the next one. The truth isn't 100% of what Toby Keith said..."I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was!" My body just isn't the same...but my heart is.