We got another box today. It's filled with random toys, snacks, comics he cut out, little miscellaneous notes and cards. These boxes arrive at holidays, birthdays or just whenever he gets a wild hair. He's my Dad. He's also an alcoholic. When I was growing up he was the type of alcoholic that hid vodka bottles in his car under the seat. He got drunk at at open opportunity. He was happy and nostalgic when he was drinking. The life of the party. When my parents got divorced; he really started drinking. Some years later he got let go from his job. Then lost the house, the cars, last but not least his sanity and dignity. For many years now I've lived in Florida. A safe distance from the chaos that he is. Safety for me is getting these random boxes and swallowing the lump in my throat. I hand Ashley the latest toy and smile and say it's from Grandpa. What I don't say, what I can't tell her, is how my heart aches that he isn't a part of her life. If there was anything my Dad truly would have enjoyed it would be being a Grandpa. He has only met Ashley once for two hours. He has never met Jake. In fact, I didn't even tell him I had Jake for two weeks after I gave birth. That's how it works now...He calls, I let it go to voicemail, listen to the message to determine how stable he is, then maybe call him back. He texts, if I can read it (meaning does it make sense), I will text back. We never see each other.
Growing up I was close with my Dad. We got along and more or less "got" each other. I look down as I type and I see my hands; his hands. I will always look at them and think of him. Today I simply am shocked he's still alive. I keep myself and my family away from him. I can't take the roller coaster ride that is alcoholism. I fought hard for many years, years of my life I should have been getting out into the world with my Dad's love and support. I fought to get him help. I tried to love him "well". The hardest lesson about alcoholic's or any addict for that matter is you cannot "love them well". At some junction in life I just shut my heart down. I stopped wondering where he was sleeping, what he was eating, IF he was eating. I stopped feeling guilty about my house, my car or my soft bed....none of which he had. God whispered into my heart that I had to let go and let God; whatever that may be. Love him for what he is and what you get. It's as if I had to bury my Dad and give birth to what was left. The shell of a person who looks familiar but I have no connection. There are times like tonight however, in the still of the evening, when my heart breaks....again. I look over the dining room table at all the thoughtful stuff he sent and ask God again; why? Why is this my cross to bear? Why is this his journey? I cry. I let the tears fall and I pray. 1800 miles safely tucked away, I hide. So often I stuff away the sadness of him not knowing my kids; for him not being a part of my life. I am angry. I am angry for what I feel has been taken away from me, from my family. Everyday that goes by I think it's amazing he is still alive. Every year, every holiday....he is truly lucky. For the damage he has done to his body and mind; he should be dead. I will always wonder if I should have made more of an effort. I don't regret it now. The simple answer is make the effort, but it's complicated. And no. I will let God lead the way. I pray "if I need to go to him, if there is something I should do Lord...lay it on my heart. Till then I rest in the peace that you have brought us this far." I am hopeful somehow, by some miracle he will find peace here on earth. I will always wrestle with this. I understand he will always be my cross to bear. My heartache and heartbreak. I turn my eyes to my kids, my family and our future. Try not to focus on what I have lost but what their Dad and I will give to them. How lucky they are. How thankful I am they have a Dad that they don't ever have to "love well".
For tonight, I will tuck the cut out comic strips with little notes and cards away. Someday I will tell the kids my story. I want to show them the good things; the funny things about their Grandpa. I will recall the good memories with a smile; and pray.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Monday, March 23, 2015
Matters of the Heart
As I was getting ready for bed tonight the thought crossed my mind...what would I want my kids to know if I died. Sounds morbid right??..But honestly, we all have matters of our heart, dreams for them, hopes for their future...so I penned mine in their baby journals....Thought I would share some of mine:
- I believe in God. Go to church. Learn about his word. He will get you through the roughest seas. He will make the impossible, possible. Have faith.
- Make good choices in friends. Don't hang out with kids/adults who make poor decision because you think you can help them make good ones. Odds are, you will make poor decisions with them before they make good ones with you.
- Go to homecoming, snowball, prom, football games, etc... enjoy every season of your life.
- Don't worry about being popular or making the team. Just live your life. High school is a blip on the radar of life. You will learn so much but it's not everything.
- Go to college. Big or small I don't care, just go. Find something YOU like...not what your friends or boyfriend are into.
- Join an sorority/fraternity. You will make life long friends. They will be by your side even when years have passed and distance separates you.
- Live a little before you get married. Marriage is forever; make sure you know who you are before you decide who you want.
- Once you are married, TRAVEL. Enjoy being married before you have kids.
- Protect your marriage...Guardrails; read about them; put them in place.
- If you choose to have kids, make sure you are ready. It's the most important job you will ever have. You don't want to screw it up.
- Go to counseling. You need it.
- Put your cell phone/tablet/game system down. Talk to your family and friends.
- Look people in the eye.
- Have a firm hand shake.
- Believe in yourself.
- If you screw up, apologize. You will earn the respect of others by being humble.
- Don't sleep around. Nobody likes a ho or player. Just sayin'.
- Don't dress trashy or with your underwear hanging out. Have more respect for yourself and those around you. Keep it classy.
- Cherish and nurture your friendships. You will need them every season of your life.
- Enjoy your life. It goes by so fast.
So many more but I picked out my fav's. When I think about parenting, I often think of all the time I have to teach them or tell them everything I need/want to. I pray I get the chance.
Think about it...what are some matters of YOUR heart you would want your kids to know?
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
The Short Tight Rope
I hung up the phone and tears filled my eyes. It was 10:00am, I was at work, hair washed, a "good" outfit on and Ashley's school called. "Your daughter threw up and you need to come get her" they said.
In a rush to get everyone out the door "on time" I had pushed her through breakfast. Even after her repeated attempts to tell me her tummy hurt and she wasn't hungry. Like a good soldier she forced down four strawberries, half a breakfast bar and milk. I told her no "special treat" after dinner; if you don't eat a good breakfast you can't have treats. She just nodded and asked "are you happy Mommy?" "Yes" I said sternly with teeth clenched, Jake hanging off my hip. " I just want you to eat...I don't want you to get hungry and grumpy later" I replied as sweetly as I could. I dropped her off, warned the teacher she "wasn't quite herself" and I was off. I dropped Jake at his school and then my turn to get to work. I fly like a bat out of hell and roll in 30 min late...as usual. Humf.
When I got the call, I could feel the tension rising. My husband is out of town again, it's end of month at work, I don't have time for any hiccups. That's when the tears came. My co-worker and friend came in and I just looked up, tears streaming. "I can't do this" I whispered. My mind was racing. I don't give work 100%, I don't give my kids 100% frankly my marriage, myself, family, friends...HA! they get almost nothing. Mom guilt is a terrible thing...If I wasn't racing 100 miles an hour every second of everyday, I wouldn't have missed her being sick. I would have known last night when she didn't eat dinner, something was up. When she asked me to lay with her at bed time; why didn't I? She seemed fine and honestly, I was spent. Just like every other day and night. I often feel like a rubber band about to snap. That if one more single thing happens I will surly break. My co-worker had some heavy, kind words. "Family first. You do give us (work) enough; more than enough..." Still, if I'm being honest, it's not enough. As a working mom, I will never be able to give either my children or my job what they REALLY need. Great. Then what? I guess Taylor Swift might be onto something....I guess we "Shake it off". Go at it again another day. Walk the tight rope. Dance the very intricate dance; all while hoping and praying we're not screwing up.
I dried my eyes, packed my lap top up and headed out. The little one was laying on a mat in the directors office with a bucket next to her. "I suck" I thought. Kids are filled with grace. She doesn't quite know how awful I feel. She just knows I'm here now. She is asleep on the couch for the second time today. We've had a good day. Watched one too many Mickey's for my taste...but it's not about me. If the "hot dog dance" makes her smile today...then me too. I can only pray I'm hitting 100% some of the time. The important times. Pray.
In a rush to get everyone out the door "on time" I had pushed her through breakfast. Even after her repeated attempts to tell me her tummy hurt and she wasn't hungry. Like a good soldier she forced down four strawberries, half a breakfast bar and milk. I told her no "special treat" after dinner; if you don't eat a good breakfast you can't have treats. She just nodded and asked "are you happy Mommy?" "Yes" I said sternly with teeth clenched, Jake hanging off my hip. " I just want you to eat...I don't want you to get hungry and grumpy later" I replied as sweetly as I could. I dropped her off, warned the teacher she "wasn't quite herself" and I was off. I dropped Jake at his school and then my turn to get to work. I fly like a bat out of hell and roll in 30 min late...as usual. Humf.
When I got the call, I could feel the tension rising. My husband is out of town again, it's end of month at work, I don't have time for any hiccups. That's when the tears came. My co-worker and friend came in and I just looked up, tears streaming. "I can't do this" I whispered. My mind was racing. I don't give work 100%, I don't give my kids 100% frankly my marriage, myself, family, friends...HA! they get almost nothing. Mom guilt is a terrible thing...If I wasn't racing 100 miles an hour every second of everyday, I wouldn't have missed her being sick. I would have known last night when she didn't eat dinner, something was up. When she asked me to lay with her at bed time; why didn't I? She seemed fine and honestly, I was spent. Just like every other day and night. I often feel like a rubber band about to snap. That if one more single thing happens I will surly break. My co-worker had some heavy, kind words. "Family first. You do give us (work) enough; more than enough..." Still, if I'm being honest, it's not enough. As a working mom, I will never be able to give either my children or my job what they REALLY need. Great. Then what? I guess Taylor Swift might be onto something....I guess we "Shake it off". Go at it again another day. Walk the tight rope. Dance the very intricate dance; all while hoping and praying we're not screwing up.
I dried my eyes, packed my lap top up and headed out. The little one was laying on a mat in the directors office with a bucket next to her. "I suck" I thought. Kids are filled with grace. She doesn't quite know how awful I feel. She just knows I'm here now. She is asleep on the couch for the second time today. We've had a good day. Watched one too many Mickey's for my taste...but it's not about me. If the "hot dog dance" makes her smile today...then me too. I can only pray I'm hitting 100% some of the time. The important times. Pray.
Monday, January 5, 2015
2015 A New Begining
The light of the full moon is pouring in our family room window. I'm feeding little Jakey and my mind wanders...I read a blog tonight about a girl, presumably my age with two kids similar in age to mine. She was diagnosed with cancer at the end of December. I tried to imagine the range of emotions. The terror, the anger and the sadness. I stare down at Jake and listen to his little baby noises. What a blessing he is to our family. I wonder how he would ever know how tenderly I hold him or rub his little feet. Who would ever tell him how absolutely precious these late night feedings are? While everyone else is tucked in bed and the craziness of the day is over...it's just us. If I had cancer. If that girl was me. What if I didn't make it through? Maybe I'm exhausted or maybe it's my hormones...but maybe this is one of those moments of clarity of pure emotion; heart spilling with love that I am often too busy to really feel.
What a difference a year makes. January 2014 I was sick with hyperemesis and pregnant. Feeling at my absolute worst. EVER. Just cringing at the idea that I had 7 more months to go. 2014 was a year filled with emotion and struggle. My pregnancy was hard. A new baby and a toddler was/is hard. Going back to work with two kids in two different day cares was/is hard. Out of all that we got precious little Jake who is, as I call him "the best baby ever". His personality is chill and easy. He sleeps great. He eats like a horse. He just rolls with whatever we do. Ashley has matured leaps and bounds. This was the year of a "big girl bed", her first stay at a ho-in-tel (Hotel), new class room, new teacher and a new life with a baby brother. These are the years some mom's have dubbed "the trenches"...and they are right. My husband and I are stretched thin. This was also a year of some new found friendships in these "trenches" and the comfort of old friends in the same situation. The raw honesty of a friend can dry tears and heal hearts.
As I tuck Jakey in, my heart swells. What a year...what a crazy, glorious, struggle of a year. But here we are on the cusp of a new beginning...we will all turn another year older, the kids will change so much, we will ebb and flow as parents and husband and wife. I pray for a renewed sense of strength. A healthier way of living...aka shedding some pounds. I hope for growth. I want for joy, fun and laughter to fill our walls.
I can't think about the what if's in life. The blog said it perfectly...this girl was just going along in life, trying losing weight, raising her kids, doing what all of us do. I guess that is the only way. Faith. Trust in God. I hope I am living this life the best I can and if not, that I make the choice to do something about it. Here's to 2015 and all the hope, joy, faith and health we could wish for. Cheers!
What a difference a year makes. January 2014 I was sick with hyperemesis and pregnant. Feeling at my absolute worst. EVER. Just cringing at the idea that I had 7 more months to go. 2014 was a year filled with emotion and struggle. My pregnancy was hard. A new baby and a toddler was/is hard. Going back to work with two kids in two different day cares was/is hard. Out of all that we got precious little Jake who is, as I call him "the best baby ever". His personality is chill and easy. He sleeps great. He eats like a horse. He just rolls with whatever we do. Ashley has matured leaps and bounds. This was the year of a "big girl bed", her first stay at a ho-in-tel (Hotel), new class room, new teacher and a new life with a baby brother. These are the years some mom's have dubbed "the trenches"...and they are right. My husband and I are stretched thin. This was also a year of some new found friendships in these "trenches" and the comfort of old friends in the same situation. The raw honesty of a friend can dry tears and heal hearts.
As I tuck Jakey in, my heart swells. What a year...what a crazy, glorious, struggle of a year. But here we are on the cusp of a new beginning...we will all turn another year older, the kids will change so much, we will ebb and flow as parents and husband and wife. I pray for a renewed sense of strength. A healthier way of living...aka shedding some pounds. I hope for growth. I want for joy, fun and laughter to fill our walls.
I can't think about the what if's in life. The blog said it perfectly...this girl was just going along in life, trying losing weight, raising her kids, doing what all of us do. I guess that is the only way. Faith. Trust in God. I hope I am living this life the best I can and if not, that I make the choice to do something about it. Here's to 2015 and all the hope, joy, faith and health we could wish for. Cheers!
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
It's that time again
It wasn't until I had a few quiet seconds alone in my bathroom that the tears came. I've been tearing up on and off for a couple of days but this was the "real" cry. It's time for me to go back to work tomorrow. I can't even believe it. There have been good days and bad days. Great moments and moments I've struggled like never before. Two kids is no joke. There have been so many changes, "new normals" and new responsibilities. At times I found myself longing for the familiarity of work and the schedule my life had. Now, I want to turn back the clock. I want to go back and have one more day, one more week alone with this precious boy. Jake is sleeping now making his adorable little baby noises. It's amazing how much I will miss ... lost thought, had to take an Ashley break because she needs an additional blanket and still not asleep. Decided to cry her heart out for this beloved blanket that is at the bottom of a drawer that I am certain she has never used ... and this is my life. *sigh*
For as many times I have said "yep, I'm ready to go back to work" the pit in my stomach says I'll never, ever be "ready". I know I will get used to this new schedule. I know he will adjust. I have been running around getting my purse packed, moving all my stuff from the diaper bag to the purse I have not touched since going to the hospital. I've got my snacks and lunch packed. I spent time agonizing over what outfit to wear. Feels like the first day of school; butterflies and all.
I know I've done this before but I am certain it never gets easier. I won't know exactly what he does all day. I won't be the one to scoop him up after his nap feeling his sweaty little baby head. I won't however miss the poop. I will never miss the poop... or for that matter not moving fast enough for this little man and getting pee'ed on. Yeeeeeah...little boys.
It will be surreal tomorrow as I sit at my desk...my mind rusty; but clear. I will miss my little boy; this precious little mini mister that God has blessed us with. As always time marches on; no regard for a mama's longing for it to slow down. Wish me luck tomorrow...wish us both luck tomorrow this is just the beginning of new things for him.
For as many times I have said "yep, I'm ready to go back to work" the pit in my stomach says I'll never, ever be "ready". I know I will get used to this new schedule. I know he will adjust. I have been running around getting my purse packed, moving all my stuff from the diaper bag to the purse I have not touched since going to the hospital. I've got my snacks and lunch packed. I spent time agonizing over what outfit to wear. Feels like the first day of school; butterflies and all.
I know I've done this before but I am certain it never gets easier. I won't know exactly what he does all day. I won't be the one to scoop him up after his nap feeling his sweaty little baby head. I won't however miss the poop. I will never miss the poop... or for that matter not moving fast enough for this little man and getting pee'ed on. Yeeeeeah...little boys.
It will be surreal tomorrow as I sit at my desk...my mind rusty; but clear. I will miss my little boy; this precious little mini mister that God has blessed us with. As always time marches on; no regard for a mama's longing for it to slow down. Wish me luck tomorrow...wish us both luck tomorrow this is just the beginning of new things for him.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
To my sweet second child
To my sweet second born,
Life is different for you. You are not our "first" for many things when it comes to parenting. Your Dad and I left the hospital a day earlier than we did with your sister. We were confident and certain this time. I haven't cried during this maternity leave with the worry about day care. The first day of drop is inevitable and I guess I'll be ready. My heart will ache but I feel you and I are tougher already. You take naps with the TV blaring Mickey Mouse club and your sister screaming about something. You get rushed through your bath so I can get your sister to bed. Your feedings are hurried because something else needs to be tended to. You've been taken to Target, Publix, church and held by anyone who wants to hold you and you are only 8 weeks old. There won't be 1,000,362 pictures of just you. My sweet little second....you spend more time in the bouncy seat and the baby swing than you sister ever did. Even my time with you on maternity leave is shorter.
You and I didn't have the best start. My pregnancy was difficult. I spent two spells in the hospital due to dehydration and sickness. I took a leave of absence from work. I cried on the cold bathroom floor praying to God to make the sickness stop. I quietly cried in bed because I couldn't help with the house, dinner or spend time with your sister. When you were born it was quick and uneventful. Thank God. I sent your Dad home to be there for your sister when she woke up. You and I slept alone in the hospital.
Every thing is faster in your life. As you sit there wide eyed in your bouncy seat I am in awe of you. You take it all in stride. That's all you know I guess. You watch Ashley and smile...my heart melts. You stare up at me with all the confidence in the world...and my heart aches a little for you. You sweet, patient baby. This is your station in life, your birth order.
This quiet Sunday morning as your Dad and Ashley are off at Church...you sleep quietly in your swing content until your next feeding. I've put you on a schedule now to get you sleeping through the night. A sign the time is coming that we will be apart during our days. I've been more ambitious while we've been together; cleaning out cabinets, closets, and my head. Trying to find myself, my new self. The past months have been mentally grueling for me. I like to do everything, stay organized, be social and have been forced to put all my "self imposed musts" aside and sleep or rest or throw up. I'm not just a working wife any more, I'm not just a working mother of one who seemingly has everything balanced....I am a mom of two. Wow...that just sounds like a lot.
My little partner and my last born. You are the finale to pregnancy in my life. You will always be my baby. Ashley will rein as the only daughter and first born. But you, you complete us. As your sister has taught us so much...there is so much more to learn. I see that now.
During these last days we have together in sweatpants taking naps....I will hold you and be so thankful for everything at you are; everything you will be. Welcome to the Irwin circle; it won't always be easy but know that every step we will take will be together.
I love you sweet boy,
Your tearful Mommy
PS...for what it's worth, I am the oldest...big sisters can be a real pain. All I can say about that is good luck. You guys are stuck with each other....but I hope that's a gift your Dad and I have given to you both.
Life is different for you. You are not our "first" for many things when it comes to parenting. Your Dad and I left the hospital a day earlier than we did with your sister. We were confident and certain this time. I haven't cried during this maternity leave with the worry about day care. The first day of drop is inevitable and I guess I'll be ready. My heart will ache but I feel you and I are tougher already. You take naps with the TV blaring Mickey Mouse club and your sister screaming about something. You get rushed through your bath so I can get your sister to bed. Your feedings are hurried because something else needs to be tended to. You've been taken to Target, Publix, church and held by anyone who wants to hold you and you are only 8 weeks old. There won't be 1,000,362 pictures of just you. My sweet little second....you spend more time in the bouncy seat and the baby swing than you sister ever did. Even my time with you on maternity leave is shorter.
You and I didn't have the best start. My pregnancy was difficult. I spent two spells in the hospital due to dehydration and sickness. I took a leave of absence from work. I cried on the cold bathroom floor praying to God to make the sickness stop. I quietly cried in bed because I couldn't help with the house, dinner or spend time with your sister. When you were born it was quick and uneventful. Thank God. I sent your Dad home to be there for your sister when she woke up. You and I slept alone in the hospital.
Every thing is faster in your life. As you sit there wide eyed in your bouncy seat I am in awe of you. You take it all in stride. That's all you know I guess. You watch Ashley and smile...my heart melts. You stare up at me with all the confidence in the world...and my heart aches a little for you. You sweet, patient baby. This is your station in life, your birth order.
This quiet Sunday morning as your Dad and Ashley are off at Church...you sleep quietly in your swing content until your next feeding. I've put you on a schedule now to get you sleeping through the night. A sign the time is coming that we will be apart during our days. I've been more ambitious while we've been together; cleaning out cabinets, closets, and my head. Trying to find myself, my new self. The past months have been mentally grueling for me. I like to do everything, stay organized, be social and have been forced to put all my "self imposed musts" aside and sleep or rest or throw up. I'm not just a working wife any more, I'm not just a working mother of one who seemingly has everything balanced....I am a mom of two. Wow...that just sounds like a lot.
My little partner and my last born. You are the finale to pregnancy in my life. You will always be my baby. Ashley will rein as the only daughter and first born. But you, you complete us. As your sister has taught us so much...there is so much more to learn. I see that now.
During these last days we have together in sweatpants taking naps....I will hold you and be so thankful for everything at you are; everything you will be. Welcome to the Irwin circle; it won't always be easy but know that every step we will take will be together.
I love you sweet boy,
Your tearful Mommy
PS...for what it's worth, I am the oldest...big sisters can be a real pain. All I can say about that is good luck. You guys are stuck with each other....but I hope that's a gift your Dad and I have given to you both.
Friday, August 8, 2014
A whole lot'a shaking going on!
So, some of you that read this have been down this road before. Some of you might be considering taking the plunge. What I am referring to is a second child. We really thought we had it all figured out. We had a great first kid and thought one good turn deserves another...and so we opted to try again to get pregnant. It all worked out and after a very difficult pregnancy, our little Jake was born. NO ONE could have prepared us for this transition. I had heard it was hard but surely that was just "them". We could do it different and it wouldn't be so hard. HA. HA. HA. Although not so funny. This has been harder on so many levels...mostly humbling. Very humbling.
For starters....toddlers waiting at home for the new baby are like ticking time bombs. God should have placed a warning label on their foreheads when your bring your tiny bundle home. Our daughter, the apple of our eye, our world, our precious little pea....turned into a gremlin. No joke. A tantrum throwing, whiney, needy gremlin. Her little world was turned upside down and our parenting skills were getting a good thorough kick in the nuts. Everything we thought was right was suddenly not working and wrong. Awesome.
Secondly...sleep. I need it. Even a little bit of it. At night, when the baby cries, the toddler cries. Just when I think I will snuggle in for a little nap or a stretch of sleep...someone wakes up. WHY? WHY GOD WHY? I dream of renting a hotel room and just sleeping. My word has the bar been lowered for "dreams"!
Third...time. I have none. I mean for me that is. With one child there is a finish line. Nap time or bed time you know that time is now yours. Not any more. The other night, the baby was asleep, the toddler was off to bed...she inquired what I would be doing once she went to bed (like it's something exciting) I told her I would be showering and going to bed (lie). I stole away to my bathroom, shut the door with my phone and a piece of dark chocolate and played words with friends...GLORIOUS.
Finding a new normal:
A trip to the mall today quickly reminded me how out of mainstream I have become. After 9 months of maternity wear (which I will be burning very soon - buh bye!!!!!) and current sweatpants and t-shirt wardrobe...I have NO idea what is "in" right now. Let me just say I was very out of touch while underwear shopping today...it's been a while...and it was humbling. I am clearly getting old. Is it too much to ask for just cotton?! Enough about that... my point is, I am a new person. We are a new family and this is our new normal. The little gremlin is getting better. She's learning to share Mommy and taking turns. My husband and I are a stronger team. This is survival man and a good team mate and partner is crucial. This is a season of my life I will never forget and possibly long for when the kids are grown...ok maybe not this particular stage but you know what I mean.
It's quite hilarious how much I thought I knew vs. reality. My body is different. My mind is different (well, mostly gone). My heart is different. In the quiet moments of the late nights while I watch my precious baby, I'm amazed. With all the chaos, the pregnancy sickness, the tantrums, he is perfect. I glance around at the baby swing, the stuffed animals left after a session of "school", burp cloths and crayons and realize these moments are precious and perfect. Our little family of three has become a complete family of four and that couldn't be more precious and perfect.
For starters....toddlers waiting at home for the new baby are like ticking time bombs. God should have placed a warning label on their foreheads when your bring your tiny bundle home. Our daughter, the apple of our eye, our world, our precious little pea....turned into a gremlin. No joke. A tantrum throwing, whiney, needy gremlin. Her little world was turned upside down and our parenting skills were getting a good thorough kick in the nuts. Everything we thought was right was suddenly not working and wrong. Awesome.
Secondly...sleep. I need it. Even a little bit of it. At night, when the baby cries, the toddler cries. Just when I think I will snuggle in for a little nap or a stretch of sleep...someone wakes up. WHY? WHY GOD WHY? I dream of renting a hotel room and just sleeping. My word has the bar been lowered for "dreams"!
Third...time. I have none. I mean for me that is. With one child there is a finish line. Nap time or bed time you know that time is now yours. Not any more. The other night, the baby was asleep, the toddler was off to bed...she inquired what I would be doing once she went to bed (like it's something exciting) I told her I would be showering and going to bed (lie). I stole away to my bathroom, shut the door with my phone and a piece of dark chocolate and played words with friends...GLORIOUS.
Finding a new normal:
A trip to the mall today quickly reminded me how out of mainstream I have become. After 9 months of maternity wear (which I will be burning very soon - buh bye!!!!!) and current sweatpants and t-shirt wardrobe...I have NO idea what is "in" right now. Let me just say I was very out of touch while underwear shopping today...it's been a while...and it was humbling. I am clearly getting old. Is it too much to ask for just cotton?! Enough about that... my point is, I am a new person. We are a new family and this is our new normal. The little gremlin is getting better. She's learning to share Mommy and taking turns. My husband and I are a stronger team. This is survival man and a good team mate and partner is crucial. This is a season of my life I will never forget and possibly long for when the kids are grown...ok maybe not this particular stage but you know what I mean.
It's quite hilarious how much I thought I knew vs. reality. My body is different. My mind is different (well, mostly gone). My heart is different. In the quiet moments of the late nights while I watch my precious baby, I'm amazed. With all the chaos, the pregnancy sickness, the tantrums, he is perfect. I glance around at the baby swing, the stuffed animals left after a session of "school", burp cloths and crayons and realize these moments are precious and perfect. Our little family of three has become a complete family of four and that couldn't be more precious and perfect.
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