Truth in Pictures

The above picture is from our Christmas cards this year. For me, this is the epitome of Home and Garden magazine perfect. What our photographer captured is everything I have ever dreamed my life to be...husband, dog, kid, nice house, beautiful Christmas decor, etc... I find myself working more and more everyday toward this type of perfect. The unattainable perfect. While there is definitely some truth in pictures...in our house it would look more like: Mommy - sweatpants, no make up (ummm, yikes), hair (unwashed) up in a clip and probably food and/or snot on my shirt. Daddy - Duck Dynasty shirt (wears everyday, regardless), sweat shorts and bed head. Ashley - onesie, pants, one sock on and one sock off, hair EVERYWHERE, banana in her hair and food on and in her shirt. Now, lucky for our friends and family that picture didn't grace our cards. But that picture is the truth. That is our life...for real. But everyday, I strive for perfection. The unattainable type.
This week we had some daycare drama.  Drama that has us considering a daycare change. That said, I've never felt the type of indecisive, gut checking feelings that this situation has faced us with. In truth, day care is a choice. If we had to or chose to we could live off one income. Our daycare is a choice, we could pull Ashley out and place her at a new facility. So in light of these choices, I feel guilt. Are we doing the right thing? are we being selfish? Now, by drama I am not talking our kid got beat up, abused, harmed, etc... Our expectations are not being met in her current class room; not in the educational or nurturing sense. Our director has expressed that their expectations are the same as ours and they will work on her classroom. Only time will tell. It's a horrible feeling thinking you are gambling on the welfare of your child. But are we really? are we being over zealous? WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL US PARENTING WAS SO HARD!? parenting pushes and pulls your heart and mind in ways they have never been pushed.
Perfection. It is the master to which we work everyday. Make more money, buy more cool things, do more in life. Money = better life. Daycare, the entity we pay to help us work harder for more money. Daycare, this place we expect to be equal to us day in and day out with 10x more kids. Daycare, our co-parent; the crutch that we lean on to help us to perfection. The unattainable kind.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses. So that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong"
Our pastor said today "Shape your lens with truth or your circumstances will shape them for you" Isn't that the freaking truth. The more I seek perfection, the more I come up empty. I will never get there. Isn't that disappointing? or is it?  It has been in that disappointment; in that black hole of chasing that I found God. Because of course, a piece of the puzzle of this image is you go to Church like a good person. I am trusting God to lead us through this daycare dilemma. I am not trying not to let the insecurities of my weaknesses get the best of me. Ashley is an amazing kid and gift to us. I'm trying to let the perfect go so I don't bestow this lovely gift upon her.
Below is a picture of what really happened when we got our pictures taken...the ones that were (of course) not chosen to reflect our Home and Garden family....they are hilarious and I should have used them. Next year. There's always grace in the future. 

Ashley ran around like a crazy kid...well, she is one and a half. Maybe she is the one who will teach us grace. After all, she is the answer to so many prayers already.

We are F-A-M-I-L-Y!

As I was drying my hair this morning I actually took a look at myself; a good long look in my eyes. I saw the traits of my family. A melting pot of resemblances. It is the holidays. A time to reflect and give thanks. The truth is, I think about my family and judge, judge, judge. I think of hurts, words that should have gone unsaid and open wounds. I think of the saying "you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family" it occurred to me today...that is by design. We are placed into our family dynamic (dysfunctional as it may be) for a reason. These people are there to shape and mold our being. They are the fiber of our make up. From grandparents, aunts, cousins, uncles, moms and dads. It's easy to look on the outside and see the similarities...but if I take a hard look at the inside the resemblances are there too. From simple things like my laugh to the heavy heartedness of a life lead astray. 

The holiday season usually jogs my memory bank of times tucked way back in the recesses of my mind. Memories of family Thanksgivings at my Grandparent's, Christmas Dinners, and the excitement of stockings and presents. Today, my family is spread all over the US from AZ to VA from MI to FL. The holidays are not what they used to be. They don't bring that tingle in my soul or the excitement of things to come. We moved to Florida almost 10 years ago. At the time it was the right thing to do. John and I needed a chance to make our own way. Where I come from people generally don't move too far away from their family. To my point, both sets of my grandparents lived in the same town I grew up in and the rest of the fam was not but an hour away. It was refreshing to have a new life in Florida. When the holidays came around those first few years I would cry but in a way I was relieved. Now I have my own daughter and the longing of the past is creeping up more and more. I'm sad she will not know holidays as I did. I am sad she will not know her family like I did. But Florida is a choice. We have made our way and we have made so many amazing friends who have become our family. While we do not look the same, our hearts are the same. That's the holiday's Ashley will know.

This holiday season is starting to feel differently. There is a recurrence of the feeling; the word: grace. Both sides of my immediate family are splintered. Both for different reasons. The heartache for me is the same. For years these feuds or sicknesses have prevailed. No solution, no one working on a solution. No grace for anyone. No peace. While we all continue on with our day to day lives I imagine the sadness lingers. The loss of family whether we all care to admit it or not is an open wound. Given the chance I think we would all do something different. But the past is what it is....the future however has the opportunity for a chance; a change. The saying is right you can't pick your family. Knowing what I know today, taking away the judgement, taking away the pain, I wouldn't pick anyone differently. I am who I am today, my laugh, my personality, my nose, my confidence, my insecurities, the entire package, because of each of them. They are the ones who I need in my life. Good or bad (depending on how you look at it) God put them in my path as MY family, blood, for a reason. The same blood that courses through their veins is my blood. You can pick your friends and that is an amazing opportunity. 

As you sit around your holiday tables this season...try not to roll your eyes. Try not to judge. Try to look at each person around you as God's divine choosing for YOU and YOU for them. 

God Bless you this Christmas Season. Best of luck to make your way through this crazy time of year. Maybe, just maybe, this is the season for change. But, maybe the change is within you.

Missed Opportunity

I missed it. I knew I missed it while I was missing it. Ashley and I spent last Saturday wandering around Walmart. As I pulled in the parking lot I looked around not to park next to a hoopdy mobile, I didn't want my precious car to get a door ding or broken into *JUDGEMENT*. We walked in and I held my purse close and my daughter in my sights and close at hand. I stood in the customer service line internally rolling my eyes at the employees who didn't speak much English; "if they are going to work here; they need to speak English..." *JUDGEMENT* I eyed up the other shoppers in front of me and walking through the door. "nice outfit, cheap purse, could have brushed your hair...and teeth, must have to shop here...." *JUDGEMENT* all little things running through my mind as I waited. I returned my item and we wandered the store to pass the time. We perused the clearance merchandise only to find "toilet skins" like a skin for your cell phone but for your toilet seat. "OMG seriously who buys this shit!" I thought to my self. *JUDGEMENT* I ruffled my brow, rolled my eyes. "Ugh, I hate this store." But we wandered anyway. We picked up a pair of shoes for Halloween, a few outfits for Ashley, Christmas pj's, hair bows and rubber bands. None of which we needed but wanted, I guess. Then we took our selves over to the toys. "Let's just check out what they have here" I told Ashley. She did not need ONE MORE THING. Not an outfit, a toy, a book. NOTHING. We passed by an aisle where I noticed a lady pulling change out of her pockets and making piles on an empty shelf. I paused. I knew what was going on....she had a basket full of things and she was trying to see how much money she had to pay for said items. Stunned, I made a loop and went down the other side to see this again. I froze. I stared. Thank God she didn't see me. *JUDGEMENT* OH HOW SAD. I kept moving. Mind shift..."is there anything else we need sweetheart?" I say to my daughter. We head out another $50 spent, er wasted. I got home and didn't give the lady counting change another thought.

Sunday at Church the service went something like this.... "Terminate prejudices in your life", "be an instrument, not a barrier of the Good News", "Don't allow comfort to limit God's plan". My head ached and my stomach churned. My eyes burned with tears. I had failed. I had missed an opportunity. In all my greed and selfishness I only worry/worried about myself. God stired my soul. I thought to myself "why didn't you go put back all the shit in your cart you have no business buying and absolutely NO need for....why didn't you get this girl a gift card or cash. SHOW her God's grace and LOVE." I have more than I need, never enough that I greed. I prayed in this moment for God to stop me. Please don't let me miss another opportunity in my life. Our pastor said...."we are not responsible for everyone, just the people that God puts in our path" He was right. She was put in my path to help. I could have been an instrument to God's Good News; to God's love. I have prayed for this girl everyday since then. I think I will pray for her and others like her everyday forever. I feel my shortcomings. I feel all the weaknesses. I spend so much time convincing myself what a great person, how giving and kind I am. Maybe I am, when it's convenient. God has a way of opening our eyes with the sights and sounds of what shakes us to the core. He has a way of speaking to us as we need it. Thank God. 

The Big Mud Run

Ashley just turned a year old in August.  So prior to that, I was preggers and sick, sick, sick through out my pregnancy. Needless to say my body, as far as exercise is concerned, is starving. In a moment of sheer weakness, I agreed to participate in the Keel and Curley Winery Blue Berry Stomp mud run on a team of four. That being said, a mud run or something like that has been on my bucket list for a while now but there has always been a good reason not to participate. This time, no good reason. I decided I'm just going to do it. When I signed up I had 56 days till the big run. PLENTY of time, I told myself, to prepare physically. I would get up in the mornings a few days a week and run. I could get my work out video's out (dust them off) and do those. I will walk nightly with my husband and kid. NONE of which happened. Well, if you count walking strolling down the street around the cul-de-sac and back home...approximately .0026 miles, then in that case I worked it out HARD! Or not. Once I got close to the big day I decided I better not train because I am always a bullet out of the gun the first time I run/work out or like Toby Keith said..."I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was!

The big day was upon me. I jumped out of bed at 6am, made my coffee and breakfast and I was out the door. Jamming out all the way to Colleen's (BTW she is the culprit for signing me up). When I got there we were all smiles. We stood around for a bit talking up the anticipation and excitement. Then we were off. The winery was crazy packed but the buzz of excitement was all around. We were out with the 9am group. WOW. Now, I realize this run in terms of mud runs (at a mere 2.5 miles) is probably considered "easy"....it was not. Literal mud, ravines of mud, mounds of mud, hay stacks to climb, barrels to bear crawl over, planks to walk, etc. and just the freaking running in between. Oh. My. Word. I am out of shape. When I crossed the finish line I was pleasantly surprised. I did it! I completed my first "run". Part of the allure of signing up was you got a free wine glass and two free drink tickets for afterwards...score! So we drank and ate. Just all of us girls. And it was SO NICE. It felt good to be there. Good to be me. Good to be out of the bubble of my normal life. Good to be with other women and moms. Good to be a muddy, sweaty, buzzed mess.

When I woke up the next morning EVERYTHING hurt. WOW. I am not 20 anymore and I cannnnnnot just physically jump into something like this. Two days later I'm still sore BUT I smile because its an "I'm still alive" sore. I can still do anything I want in this life. I just have to decide. Or Colleen will just sign me up...haha! This will not be my last run; however I will "train" for the next one. The truth isn't 100% of what Toby Keith said..."I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was!" My body just isn't the same...but my heart is. 

Oh and what a party it was!

Sooooooo.....For Ashley's first birthday I went a little Pearl Hamilton. For those of you who thought I was going to say Martha...think again. Growing up, I was friends with a girl who had the most extravagant and creative parties E.V.E.R. I'm talking fondue, candy bars with her name on them, DJ's, etc... The parties were always fun and over the top. I didn't go to her wedding but the pictures were amazing and again over the top cool. As I started putting Ashley's hungry caterpillar party together I imagined this was how Pearl must have felt planing Lindsey's parties. Thanks to Facebook I see the tradition continues; Lindsey's daughter had a 2nd birthday that was just sticky sweet pink and princessy. I was in love. I would say I "came out of the closet" in a way as I heard from several people "I had no idea you were this creative!" Yes folks I have always obsessed about doing these types of things. Now please understand, in my eyes, Pearl is a legend when it comes to party planning. So Pearl, if you read this...I am clearly after your title of best party planner ever!!! Thanks to my BFF Colleen; Ash even had a HC dress!!! Ahhh the glory of it all!
So just a few quick items we did in case you are interested:

1. HC Lanterns: I purchased red and green lanterns from party city and decorated the face and used pipe cleaners for the antennas. They came with fishing line of sorts for hanging...super easy!
2. HC colored prints: Found images on line and printed them in color. I taped some up around the house and some I taped to skewers and stuck in the food on the table.I used a hole punch to give the appearance the caterpillar had eaten a bite out of the pictures.
3. Snacks: Sausage and swiss cheese and crackers. We took a pastry piping tip and cut little holes out of the sausage and swiss. Caprese kabobs with a piece of basil, cherry tomato and mozzarella...drizzled with balsamic and olive oil.
4. Party Favors: I used teal Christmas bulbs (shatterproof), dipped the bottoms in tacky glue and sand, painted palm trees and the kids names and the date BEFORE THE PARTY (a huge shout out to my girl April for painting all the palm trees and writing the names!!!) At the party, the kids who attended dipped their little fingers in red and green paint to make a caterpillar then right before they left we used a marker to put eyes, feet and the antenna's on...ADORABLE! "Caterpillar goes to Florida"
5. Gift bags: Bags from JoAnn's, made the tags my self from construction paper and hand stamped the "thank you" and the butterfly. Stamps were .99 at Walmart. I did put shreads in the bottom to give the ornaments something to sit on.
6. HC Watermelon bowls: bought three, used one as the head and carved out the other two for fruit bowls at the party.
7. The branches and twigs: found them outside and dragged them home...much to my husbands dismay! then glued little sparkly pom pom's to them so there were little caterpillar's "crawling" all over them.
8. 12 Months of Ashley: I color printed 12 pic's from birth to 1 year and glued them to construction paper to make each individual "hump" to the caterpillar. It was crazy to see how she evolved over the 1st year!!!! 

Oh it was so much fun!!!! The party was fun, the guests were a blast, Ash was friendly and made her way through the guests with out getting too overwhelmed, the food was great, all in all, job well done. I did mention something along the lines of..."I think I have a party plan for next year" and I was quickly ix-nayed by the husband. Eh' in a few hundread days he'll forget and maybe just maybe I will be Pearl again next year ;)
Thank you to all who attended. To our friends and family thank you for making this the best year of our lives. We are forever grateful.
Till next year...I hear 2nd birthdays are more fun...ha ha ha!

The Inevidable Good-Bye

I could see the airport in the distance. The rain was pounding my windshield. Ashley was screaming in the backseat. My poor Mom sitting beside her trying to eek out just a few more seconds of time in front of her. My eye's welled with tears. It was the inevitable time for my Mom and and I to part ways; she would head back to Michigan this morning and I would head back home to resume my Motherly duties with out my faithful backup.  There is such an emptiness when she leaves. The time truly does fly by with out a care in the world that it will be months before we will see each other again. This was a fun trip. Ashley's birthday party was Saturday and the weekend was a whirlwind of planning, shopping, and last minute preparations. We'd been talking about it for months. Trading pictures and ideas. The party flew by and sweet relief rushed over me when it was over. Mostly because Ashley had been great. Then life resumed and I returned to work. Grandma took care of Ashley all week..walks, swimming, reading and playing. What a great week for Ash! As always our time together draws to a close too soon. There is definitely an itch for both to get back to "normal" life but we both know the ache of being so far apart. That morning we wrapped up loose ends, got her all packed up and headed out the door. Uncharacteristically, Ashley just screamed the whole way to the airport. I told my mom this was Ashley's way of making it easier to go home. We both snickered a bit knowing there was no easy way to say good bye. I quickly pulled in to departures and we unpacked her bags and I pulled a teary Ash out of her car seat. Mom and I hugged and cried. Thanked each other for "everything" said our "I love you's" and that was that. She headed in and I packed Ashley back up. We both cried the whole way home. The rain poured down. It was fitting for our mood. 

When I lived in Michigan seeing my Mom was such a "to do" list item. It was only when I moved that I realized how hard it was to not have her around. We can rationalize that the time we spend together now is "quality" time; but that doesn't make it any easier. It's hard to grow up and be an adult. It's hard to be a wife and a mom. When my Mom is here the burden is lifted. Laundry is done, dinner gets made, stains find there way out of clothes, buttons and holes in shirts get sewn up, silverware drawers get cleaned out, and I get to watch my little girl enjoy my Mom the way I do. She is such a lucky little girl to have my Mom as her  Grandma. I am such a lucky girl to have my Mom. 

For all you lucky gal's who's Mommy's live near by...count your blessings. Even if she gets on your nerves...and let's be honest it happens. Enjoy that you get to spend that mundane day to day together.

Till next time.....Thanks Mom, for EVERYTHING!

One Year.

It's looming. I am reminded almost daily. I can see it in so many ways. In 26 days my baby will be one year old. I snuggled her as she napped today instead of putting her in her crib to "get things done". I sat in the quiet peacefulness of her room. I smelled her hair. I felt her skin. I listened to her breath. I giggled as she snored. My precious little one. My mind rolled through the last year. At this time last year I was at the end of my pregnancy begging for it to be over. It's summer time in Florida and being pregnant is probably the worst thing next to not having air conditioning. I remembered the anxiousness and the fear. I smiled at the planning and the expectations.  I considered the person I was just one year ago. It is a gross understatement to say "so much has changed" but verbally that is the only way to really capture this year. My eyes teared up as I remembered rocking my little newborn and praying God would force me to slow down and relish these moments. Wishing I could capture time in a bottle. I think back to the first time she rolled over, sat up and ate food. The pain of going back to work still stings some times. This week was especially a painful reminder. The director stopped me on my way out one morning to "discuss transitioning Ashley to the 1 year old room" and all the changes that go along with it. She has to start wearing shoes to school, eat food on their meal plan and conform to their schedule...lunch at 11am and naps at 12pm. I suppose if it were left to me she might eat baby food and use a bottle until she was 5. *sigh* but I am a working mom and these are the rules of the game at day care. Uncomfortably pushed to the next step...in some ways thankful and in some ways resentful. 

Never has a year meant so much to me. Never have I been made to feel so much raw emotion. 

This was the year my Grandpa passed away. I was finally able to take the ashes I have (8 months later) and transfer them to their resting place in my house. My heart ached. My stomach churned. His rocking chair is carefully positioned in Ashley's play room so that I can rock her there and sit and watch her play as I imagine he would have done. He would have really adored this little girl.

We are on the tail end of our move. We have lived in the same house since moving to Florida 9 years ago so as you can imagine moving was huge ordeal. Packing up years of acquired crap and memories. We swore we would "go through everything"...sheesh, we're lucky all our stuff made it over here let alone go through it! eh' always good to have goals. This too was emotional. So many memories in that home. The most impactful, the decision to have a family. Thus moving into a bigger home as our family grows. The new house is amazing and I truly look forward to making more memories in this home.

I would call it shock and awe as I look back on these last 12 months. Amazing what I have been through as a new mom. Many of my relationships have been strengthened; bound by the roller coaster ride we call motherhood. To those amazing women, I say THANK YOU. Thank you for the advise, support, love and just being my friend. Thank you to my Mom for so many things but most of all just being the best Mom anyone could ask for. I could not do this with out you. Thank you to my husband...wouldn't be here without out *snicker, snicker* Thank you for being my partner in all this mess we call life. Thank you for holding my hand through it all.

As I get closer to the big day...26 days away...who's counting; I'm sure I will be emotional. I'm sure it will be fun. I'm sure I will have the love and support of those who know what it feels like to cross this threshold. I'm sure I will look into the eyes of my little girl and know it's been the best year of our lives.