Pregnancy...round two...

We knew we wanted a second baby. After my first pregnancy I knew I was not the baby carrying kind. I was, what I considered "super" sick the first go round. I anticipated being sick again but nothing could prepare me for super storm mini that was about to ensue. It started on time at the 6 week mark. Like clock work the throwing up and nausea started. I could not keep anything down. I ended up going to the ER because I was sure I had the flu; this could not all be pregnancy related. They checked for many things...including multiples. I asked "multiple what?" was the doctor serious?!....ultimately there was only one baby taking up residence in my belly. Two days later I was readmitted to the hospital under my OB's care. That when I started hearing the term Hyperemisis. In layman's terms, you throw up a lot. And that I was. I felt like I'd been hit with a mack truck and then backed over with the same truck. Never, never would or could have imagined I would feel so awful. My sweet little mini would stand by my side while I hugged the toilet with her hand on my shoulder sucking her thumb. I would beg her between hurls to go play. But she just stayed on. Then tell me "mama gross". Yes, my sweet child, it is gross.
Fast forward to today, week 16. I've made great progress. I can eat and drink some. Weird craving of the day...Grapefruit juice. I stopped at two places this morning to get my hands on this liquid gold. Who knows what tomorrow brings. My belly is growing much faster than #1. That has left its own marks of cynicism; my maternity clothes didn't really start until later so I'm desperately digging around my closet for the "largest" fat clothes I have to accommodate my ever growing belly.
What am I getting at here? pregnancy is not fun. I know for some women it's a ball of sunshine and happiness. For me, it's 10 months of throwing up, nausea, clothes that don't fit right, too many bathroom breaks to count, narcoleptic exhaustion and no glass of wine to take the edge off. I have felt lonely and miserable. Laying on the cold bathroom floor praying to God to make it stop. Alone in a hospital room looking at the IV (and the two other bandaids where the veins collapsed) and cried. Felt the sting of guilt when Daddy takes the mini to do something "so cool" and I can't go. My friends call; I don't want to talk. I am invited but don't want to go. Some understand. Mostly, it's just me putting the guilt and frustration on myself. A lesson I'm learning.
But....it's worth it. In the small moments I am finding the greatest strength. When the mini and I talk about "the baby" and she looks up at me with her big blue eyes and boundless red hair and yells "mama's silly!" The quiet moments when I tuck her into bed and we sing...or she yells the song "Jesus loves me" and I laugh. She quietly says "love you" as I walk out her door. My sweet, smart, sassy little girl. You are the reason I do this again. You are the reason your Daddy holds me when I sob because I can't do the dishes or wash the floors. He quietly tells me "I can't carry a baby but I can do these things". You are the reason we are fighting through this. We laugh when you are naughty and say "and we wanted two?!" Both knowing we would want 100 of you.

Yellow Shirt Day

Today was yellow shirt day at the mini's school. She wore a pink shirt today. I somehow missed that today the kids were supposed to wear yellow. Moments like these make me feel like having a mini melt down. My kid is two...I don't think she really knows or cares she is wearing pink and all the other kids are in yellow but I know and I care. Why? because I missed something for my kid. I failed.

My aunt who I have not seen in 10+ years recently came for a visit. This is a LONG dramatic story that I will not go into...but to say that her coming back into my life is a miracle is putting it lightly. As families go, mine had a melt down..not a mini...but a Chernobyl type melt down years ago. The hope of finding anybody alive in the wreckage was slim and those you might find were badly disfigured. Yes I know...dramatic...but true. Fast forward to today and somehow by the grace of God we are all different people in different places in our lives. Her coming to visit was very anxiety filled. To do list: house must be cleaned to perfection, all to do projects done, fridge stocked, everyone in matching cardigans and big, beautiful smiles on our faces damn it! because we are a nice, normal freaking family! As I paced the airport waiting area I'm thinking...I look tired, my jeans are too long, why didn't I lose 10 lbs?...UGH. As soon as she got off the plane my anxiety faded. It was just like old times. My mom was here while she visited as well and the two of them took care of us like you wouldn't believe. Made frozen dinners for our crazy weeknight meals, fresh baked cookie bars, laundry done, house clean, etc....They were amazing.

I had prayed for years for this moment. I had ached for my family to come back together.  Maybe healing comes in cookies. Maybe healing comes in watching my aunt hold my baby girl. Maybe healing comes in little moments. I have carried this heavy cloak of hurt, bitterness and anger for all these years. It has become part of who I am. I am anxious now to let it go. God has given us mercy; let me not waste it being angry.

Many days I operate on the verge of a mini melt down. My past, my daily stress, my anxiety all push me to the edge. When I miss yellow shirt day at daycare I feel like I've failed. God works in mysterious ways they say. I disagree...his ways are not mysterious. They are perfect. They meet us where we are; when we are ready. I am ready to close that chapter of my life. I am open to healing. That way when I miss show and tell or red shirt day I won't feel like I failed but just accept that I am a busy mom/wife/employee/daughter/niece AND THAT'S OKAY.

I'll leave you with this...Laura Story's song lyrics to "Blessings"
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Transitions

In 6 days Ashley will turn two. She really doesn't know it. I think she just knows there is a lot of hustle and bustle around the house to get ready for her party. I'm frantic trying to get last minute details ready, last minute Etsy orders in, goody bags made and food ordered. My back aches as I rewrap water bottles with duct tape to match the theme of her party and painstakingly make each thank you note I will write afterwards. I'm in a panic because I will be out of town for three days before her party. My life is busy. The constant struggle and balance of work, family, fitting in dates with my husband, dates with my friends, play dates, grocery store trips...seriously, who needs sleep!? Sometimes I find myself thinking about how chaotic my life is. How "someday" things will slow down; secretly wishing for quiet. 

My mom is visiting her sister and her family this week. This is monumental as we all have not seen each other in several years. Ash and I have been skype'ing with them. To see their faces; hear their voices brings back a flood of good memories. The kind that warm your soul and make you smile. My aunt's son, my sweet little cousin, leaves for college in two weeks. I think about the kind of quiet his absence will bring to their house and lives. How over the last 18 years he has filled a spot in their home and hearts. I think of how chaotic life has been for them these last 18 years. How as a woman she has balanced being a stay at home mom, a working mom, two kids, family, a household and last but not least herself. 

I chatted away with my aunt about Ashley's party, showed them the goody bags and rambled about all my plans. In the quiet, still of the night; I cried. I thought about her heart. How it must be breaking to send her baby; her first born off to college. I thought about my own Mom. How her heart must have broken as I left for college and then moved 1800 miles away. I remember saying "Oh Mom, its just a plane ride away". 

You really don't know squat until you are a parent. How it feels to cut grapes in half, be puked on, 1st days of school, bullies, drama, proms, college, weddings....and saying good bye as they fly out of the nest you have so carefully built for them. Painstakingly sacrificed for them. Wore your heart on your sleeve for them. They go. I wondered if she wished for her baby to be two again and plan his birthday party. I wonder if she will tell me someday how "fast" it all goes by. I closed my eyes in the quiet of the night; the peace knowing Ashley is right down the hall, and I cried. 

Time really does go by so fast. Too fast. Life is busy and chaotic. For now, I'm going to enjoy the noise and the busy, because I know all too soon I will have quiet. I will long for these days of being a young mom back. I will wish for these precious moments when my beautiful little girl tells me "Oh Mom, it's only a plane ride away". 

Home Sick...or Home Sick

Home sick can mean one of two things. One, you are actually at your house sick or two, you are missing your "home". In any event, I have been both in the last two weeks. 

The mini and I took at trip back to my home town of Trenton, Michigan. It was truly exhausting. It was a soul filling seven days that I so desperately needed. We saw family and friends, did all kinds of cool adventures but the best part was I got to spend one solid week with my daughter. I work full time and so my time with Ashley is limited. Any extra time with her is such a blessing. It's been hard to "break-up" with her since being home but we've managed. 

I've been home for a week and Sunday I knew I was getting sick. Monday I woke up and felt like a mack truck had run over me in my bed while I simultaneously swallowed barbed wire. AWFUL. I got the mini up and to day care, on this day a huge blessing, and headed to the doc. Only to joyously find out I had strep throat...what adult gets strep throat!? I only remember having this as a kid. Ugh! I got my antibiotics and headed home. As I drifted off to sleep I was thinking about dropping my kiddo off at daycare that morning; I actually shed tears because she wouldn't get in her car seat. I felt so awful that I cried like a baby and begged her to please just do as I asked. That night, I laid on the couch half asleep. I didn't give her a bath, read to her or tuck her in. Luckily, her Daddy took over these duties. This experience made me think of all the healthy days I have that I take for granted. For just a minute, I thought about what it would be like to be a parent with cancer or Parkinson's or MS. To have to sit on the side lines and watch your child. To not feel up to or being able to participate in their day to day lives. There would be no trips to Michigan under those circumstances, no Busch Gardens, no swimming in the pool, none of that would happen. I don't get sick too often, but this time, it made me think....Take advantage of being healthy. Take advantage of all the things you are lucky enough to do everyday. Try not to judge yourself so harshly for working full time or folding laundry as Ashley reads a book. I always thought "old people" like my Grandparents said things like "your lucky to have your health". Honestly, they're right. 

Thank your lucky stars today if you are healthy. Pray for those who aren't. Take advantage of every opportunity and take care of yourself. You owe it to yourself and those amazing kids you're raising!

I Read a Book!!!!

For some of you this may not be a huge feat but for me...amazing. I don't choose to make time to sit and read. I work outside the home, I work when I get home and quite frankly, when the mini goes to bed...I zone out. I get my I-pad out and hide out in the internet...words with friends, zulily, Pinterest, etc...until my eye lids tell me it's time for bed. I do it all again the next day. I have a pile of about 10 books sitting next to my bed; these are the "must read soon" books. That does not count the bookshelf in the office filled with books I "must have" that I have yet to read. What can I say, I'm "ambitious" haha.
When getting ready for vacation I forced myself to chose "only" four books that I could plough through poolside. I was so excited to knock some of these off my list. One book I picked up was "Unglued" by Lysa TerKeurst. The front cover says "making wise choices in the midst of raw emotions". Huh, that might do me some good.
My state of mind prior to vacation I would describe as tired, frustrated, angry, and over everything and everybody. Clearly, I was in desperate need of a vacation. Work had been very stressful. I was run down with the monotony of my everyday routine. I was sick of diapers, tantrums and teeth brushing that resulted in me looking like a drowned rat after wrestle mania with my two year old. I was over the questions about what money I had spent where, feeling under appreciated and unattractive. Clearly, I was in desperate need of a vacation.
Vacation did not turn out like I had envisioned. Once my husband and I were stripped of our jobs, routine, kid and home; there was no place to hide. Face to face for the first time in what felt like eternity, we fell apart. Some dirt long buried, some hurts left unattended, some needs left unmet rose to the surface. The glass half full approach tells me to look at this like a much needed alert for us to tend to these things. The pouty two year old inside me said "this sucks". Clearly, WE needed a vacation.
All the while I was reading this book, Unglued. That is precisely where my mind and heart stood. Making decisions daily in the midst of raw emotions. Lysa takes a grace filled approach to caring for our heart and soul while dealing with the daily assault we all take. Wether it be co-workers, family, kids, spouse, or the girl at the check out line, we all take some crap. Daily.
One of the most revealing chapters is "What kind of Unglued Am I?" The way Lysa explains it is "Emotions don't sit still. They are active - and they travel. I need to know where mine are taking me so I could understand why I sometimes came unglued." She created four categories that we can fall into:

1. The Exploder who Shames Herself
2. The Exploder who Blames Others
3. The Stuffer who Builds Barriers
4. The Stuffer who Collects Retaliation Rocks

Thankfully, Lysa explained she is all of the above...Bless her heart, that's how I felt when reading each category. She pushes her readers to start making "imperfect progress". For me, I try to be perfect all the time. Since we all know that is impossible, I often feel like a failure. I relished the idea of imperfect progress. One of the most important pieces in the solution is finding the quiet. For several reasons:

1. In the quiet, we feel safe enough to humble ourselves
2. God lifts us up to a more rational place
3. Anxiety gives way to progress
4. We acknowledge that our real enemy is not the other person
5. I can rest assured God will use this conflict for good - no matter how it turns out

Mission understood, before I freak out find a quiet space...bathroom stall acceptable....where ever! Collect my thoughts as to not blow up or stuff. 

Truly the explanation above is merely scratching the surface of what this book contains. I have highlighted and flagged the crap out of this book. Let's be very honest with ourselves, we all need work. Sometimes it's dig in deep and see where it takes us. Other times it's a tweak here and there. Regardless, of where you are at in life, I would say this book can speak to your heart. It will give you peace you are not alone or crazy. It will give you tools to manage your life. 

This is the only book I read on vacation. The only one I needed to. Mission understood God. Thank you for finding me in my mess. Thank you for guiding me to the tools necessary. Thank you for whatever lies ahead. I have a feeling it's imperfect progress. 

Link for the book below:

http://www.amazon.com/Unglued-Making-Choices-Midst-Emotions/dp/0310332796/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370110947&sr=8-1&keywords=unglued

Cards

I bought some cards today to send to my dearest BFF's from high school. I thought on the way home, I would include a picture from our past; that will be fun! Tonight as I undid the child safety lock a wave of memories washed over me. It was like unlocking a time capsule. I have not looked at those pictures in ages. Time just keeps moving and so do our busy lives. I had a date with my husband and hot tub that I didn't want to miss so I promised myself I would just look for the two pictures I needed and wrap it up. I'm not one to move swiftly like this...opening up the memory bank sometime lasts HOURS. I did not remember which albums were from when so I just picked some up and flipped through. Tears sprang to my eyes. The memories are vivid. So incredibly precious. Proms, Homecomings, Senior Year at Trenton High School, trips up-north, and so many more. Our eyes so filled with promise and hope. We've been out of high school for 15 year now although feels like only yesterday. We have husbands, mortgages, jobs...real jobs, kids, and responsibility. Not sure we are all where we'd hoped, but we are here none the less. We are spread from the west coast to the east coast. Hours and plane rides away. Life gets heavy these days. I remember so clearly wanting to move the hands of time for the "next" thing...college, marriage, kids, a "real" job with my own "real" money....I would give anything to go back for ONE day and realize the freedom and promise of those days. My Grandpa told me when I graduated high school "time moves so fast now" I had NOOOO idea what he was talking about until now. 
As I sit here I am a wife, mother, manager, so many things to so many people. I cannot believe I will be 33 this year and I have an almost 2 year old asleep in the other room. I cannot believe I had to fire someone last Friday or that I sat and talked with the president of my company over wine two weeks ago. I have adult decisions to make and adult responsibilities. But the memories of days gone by are as fresh in my mind as the warm summer breeze that whips through my car on the way home from work. I have daily disappointments. I worry more than I should...I have no earthly idea what I "worried" about back then. To be honest, in 15 years I won't remember what I worried about today.
These girls both carry their own adult burdens. When we talk we roll over our life's current story; sometimes we are in hysterics about our husbands shenanigans or babies barfing at the worst times then sometimes we are in tears over lost loved ones, bad days at work or the guilt that plagues us. We talk about our moms and siblings; catch up on our jobs and co-workers. We are all walking the same tightrope. But no matter what, we have each other. We have the memories locked safely in our minds. We have the tightly woven bond of time. Time lived. Time spent together. I love you girls. Thanks for the memories....and the ones yet to come.

Slowing it down, Progressive Insurance style

My husband thought it would be a great idea to install Progressive Insurance "trackers" in our cars. He had high hopes of getting cheaper car insurance once the reports came back and Progressive saw what stellar drivers we were. I told him before he even ordered them it was a bad idea.  I'm not a horrible driver, never been in an accident, maybe a speeding ticket, but nothing serious. Buuuut, I know I have a lead foot and do too much while driving. I knew the report would not lie and he and Progressive would see the truth about my driving skills. In the first week I got 23+ hard stops...Please note the tracker beeps every time you make a hard stop...so I am fully aware how many times a day it goes off. My husband...zero. This went on for several weeks. Finally one Sunday morning we were discussing this tracker and I kept telling him "it's a bad idea, our insurance is going to go up!" his response "why don't you just drive better?" Ummmmmmm....what?! I nearly spit my coffee out. I howled with laughter. It sounded so simple but I had been fighting the dang tracker since before it arrived. I never even thought about changing my driving habits. I just thought about how I was going to get "caught" driving badly. I had just accepted it.
That following Monday as I got in the car, I thought, let me just "try" to drive better. Let's see what happens. I put my phone away. In my purse. Out of reach. I gave the mini everything she could possibly need on our way to school and off we went. The result, no beeps. Well, well! I thought. He might be onto something. As the week went by almost no beeps. I begged my husband; look at my report card! It's so much better! I was amazed at what a defensive and poor driver I was! I had my phone in hand most of the time, drinking coffee, changing the radio, talking on the phone, etc... I stopped. I slowed down. I stopped tailgating other drivers. I stopped being that jerk that could cause a serious accident. I never thought of myself that way.
My driving time is much nicer. I still get there in the same amount of time. I am calmer. I started to wonder where else in my life I was defensive...aggressive...overstimulated...over extended?
JUST. ABOUT. EVERYWHERE. 
Constantly, I criticize my self for not doing the things I "put my mind to". I bought a book that was recommended called "Love is a Choice" (EXCELLENT book, so far...) 1/4 of the way in, it referenced  a couple other books to read, I bought all of them. A friend recommended a parenting book, I bought it. I am only 1/2 though the first book and have amassed a pile of books staring at me. Reminding me I don't have time haven't made time to read them. But I had to have them.
My body. I went to my annual physical; all my counts, levels, tests were excellent. Well under where they should be. My weight, 10lbs over where I need to be. If we are honest, 20 lbs over where I should be. I went to Checkers for lunch that day. I don't have haven't made the time to eat well. But I had to stop there. Had to eat the junk I was just told not to.
Parenting. I am not consistent. I brag about what a great routine the mini is on. I started reading another book I bought and sure enough, when I really took a look at our routine....not exactly as "great" as I thought it was.  Could account for the awesome tantrums the mini has been throwing and some of her defiance. Tonight, tried a new way, and I think it just might work. Success.
As I sit here writing this to all the women and mom's out there feeling defensive, aggressive, overstimulated and over extended; relish the little victories. Tonight, I am a better driver. Tonight, I think I am on to something for a new routine. I did not have to wrestle my alligator of a child into bed. Success. In between the mundane routine...work, daycare, dinner, clean up, shower, exhale, bed, do it all again days...find moments of enlightenment and success. My successes no longer comes in the form of a degree, new job, new boyfriend, a marriage proposal, new city, new house, or a promotion...they come when I decide to drive better. They come when I get a massage or a pedicure. They come when I step out with my girlfriends for a night out. They come when I read a book I've put off. That is my life right now.
Thank you husband of mine for being cheap and trying this Progressive tracker to save a buck. You just might have saved my sanity...for now :)
Glass of wine in hand....I'm off to finish my parenting book. Success!