A good old fashion melt down....

I woke up this morning to a screaming 10 month old. Lord knows how long she had been howling because someone...me...turned the volume down too low on the monitor. Yea me. By the time I got a look at my self it was apparent I was a hot mess; red puffy eyes, black makeup under my eyes and one seriously ratty pony tail. But I had broken the seal...I had a mommy melt down last night. My husband and I were sitting out back on a Friday night just talking. Some how he wound up asking me..."what makes you happy..." I stared blankly ahead and answered quietly "I don't know." Then the tears came and didn't stop. It was like someone uncorked the well. I never dreamed being a working mom would be this hard. I have managed many difficult trials in my life but none of them compare to this. It has been a slippery slope; one I can't seem to smile and laugh my way out of this time. The unrest is a bit of a three part series....

My job is to manage three offices for a fortune 500 builder's title company. I manage a staff of full time employees and temp employees. My job is like a wagon that always has a loose wheel. Just when you think its fixed; the damn wheel falls off again. I am constantly putting a band aid on something that needs healing but I cannot seem to get there. I keep thinking once this or that happens we will be a fully operating and well oiled machine. At the end of the day; I feel like a failure. The exact thing I work so hard to make sure my employees don't feel. I go in every day, keep my head above water and do just what I need to do to get through the day.

I am a wife to my husband of almost 10 years. I come home and immediately do something; drop my purse and start dinner, make bottles, change diapers etc. For months I have not had a dinner "plan". We scrounge around for whatever...ends up being left overs I froze or cereal. I feel like a failure. Most of the time I don't even think to kiss my husband; I just start in on the things I need to do to get through the night. 

I am a mother to a 10 month old beautiful daughter. When I get home from work she lights up and rushes over to me with her little baby crawl. I scoop her up and try and give her everything I've got. I eat dinner in 10 minutes so that I can tend to her. I get her fed. I sit on the floor and play with her. I feel like a failure because I am too tired to read to her, practice counting or colors. I do just what I need to do to make sure she knows I am paying attention and that I love her. 

I am a woman. When I wake up in the morning I do just what I need to get through the day. When (ha ha...if) I go to the mall I feel awkward. I am not familiar with the new fashions. I have not flipped through a magazine in months. I no longer buy designer make up because it costs to much. I refuse to buy new clothes because I don't want to admit my size. I just know I will lose the weight I want to in order to fit into my pre-baby clothes. I spend my weekends running errands, taking care of my kid, hiding the guilt I feel because these are the only two days a week I get the privilege of seeing her all day, laundry, cleaning and if I am lucky, a play date to breakfast or Target with one my Mommy friends. I feel like a failure because I swore this week would be different and I would do something out of routine, I would do something for just me. Instead, I fall into bed and do it all again the next day.

I'm not writing this to sing the "my life is so difficult" blues. I am blessed beyond words. I'm writing this because I finally said all these things out loud. My fears and failures were out on the table and I didn't have to hide them anymore. I am writing this because I know as a woman, wife, mother and employee; I AM NOT ALONE. I know there are others of you out there that feel these same feelings. I know in my mind I am not a failure at all these important jobs; but I am struggling telling my heart. I want to give all things 100% and I can't. I am the one left holding the bag. I am the one at the end of the list. I keep thinking; I keep praying that after this or that something will change. I can't wait until the next "thing". "Start small" my friend told me "you don't have to make these drastic changes; just something to change up your routine".  She was right. That was how this all happened to begin with...my husband and I never sit out back and talk but we changed things up and this is what came of it; a release, a start of something new. I have his support and his love. I have some great suggestions. I should have told him a long time ago but I thought I could just manage it. Sometimes we need the support of a spouse, friend or a loved one to be that crutch during our weak times. I am so thankful we "started small"....a solution? I don't have one yet. Just saying these things out loud was a good first step. I'm not sure what my next "small step" will be; but I am certain it will make a difference.