One Year.

It's looming. I am reminded almost daily. I can see it in so many ways. In 26 days my baby will be one year old. I snuggled her as she napped today instead of putting her in her crib to "get things done". I sat in the quiet peacefulness of her room. I smelled her hair. I felt her skin. I listened to her breath. I giggled as she snored. My precious little one. My mind rolled through the last year. At this time last year I was at the end of my pregnancy begging for it to be over. It's summer time in Florida and being pregnant is probably the worst thing next to not having air conditioning. I remembered the anxiousness and the fear. I smiled at the planning and the expectations.  I considered the person I was just one year ago. It is a gross understatement to say "so much has changed" but verbally that is the only way to really capture this year. My eyes teared up as I remembered rocking my little newborn and praying God would force me to slow down and relish these moments. Wishing I could capture time in a bottle. I think back to the first time she rolled over, sat up and ate food. The pain of going back to work still stings some times. This week was especially a painful reminder. The director stopped me on my way out one morning to "discuss transitioning Ashley to the 1 year old room" and all the changes that go along with it. She has to start wearing shoes to school, eat food on their meal plan and conform to their schedule...lunch at 11am and naps at 12pm. I suppose if it were left to me she might eat baby food and use a bottle until she was 5. *sigh* but I am a working mom and these are the rules of the game at day care. Uncomfortably pushed to the next step...in some ways thankful and in some ways resentful. 

Never has a year meant so much to me. Never have I been made to feel so much raw emotion. 

This was the year my Grandpa passed away. I was finally able to take the ashes I have (8 months later) and transfer them to their resting place in my house. My heart ached. My stomach churned. His rocking chair is carefully positioned in Ashley's play room so that I can rock her there and sit and watch her play as I imagine he would have done. He would have really adored this little girl.

We are on the tail end of our move. We have lived in the same house since moving to Florida 9 years ago so as you can imagine moving was huge ordeal. Packing up years of acquired crap and memories. We swore we would "go through everything"...sheesh, we're lucky all our stuff made it over here let alone go through it! eh' always good to have goals. This too was emotional. So many memories in that home. The most impactful, the decision to have a family. Thus moving into a bigger home as our family grows. The new house is amazing and I truly look forward to making more memories in this home.

I would call it shock and awe as I look back on these last 12 months. Amazing what I have been through as a new mom. Many of my relationships have been strengthened; bound by the roller coaster ride we call motherhood. To those amazing women, I say THANK YOU. Thank you for the advise, support, love and just being my friend. Thank you to my Mom for so many things but most of all just being the best Mom anyone could ask for. I could not do this with out you. Thank you to my husband...wouldn't be here without out *snicker, snicker* Thank you for being my partner in all this mess we call life. Thank you for holding my hand through it all.

As I get closer to the big day...26 days away...who's counting; I'm sure I will be emotional. I'm sure it will be fun. I'm sure I will have the love and support of those who know what it feels like to cross this threshold. I'm sure I will look into the eyes of my little girl and know it's been the best year of our lives.

The only constant in life is change

It's 9:05pm and I am exhausted. My shoulders hurt. My eyes are weary. The tail end of another long day come to and end so quickly. Days have been going by so quickly. What I didn't mention in my last blog was we are moving. *Insert added stress here* We signed the contract today for the sale of our home. This all should be very exciting but I feel sad about it too. We are moving into a slightly larger home with all the things we have been dreaming about. The house we plan on living in "forever". I can't help but wander around our house some times since this process has started. Trying to sear every nook and cranny of this home in my brain in hopes that I never forget this stage of our life. This house holds so many memories. I moved to Florida from Michigan. I had never lived any place else. I moved away from all my family and friends. My brand new husband of two months and I decided to run like our hair was on fire out of the mid west. We wanted change. We wanted something new. As the stars aligned, we ended up in Tampa, Florida. I had never even been here! In a few short months we were married, packed up and moved to Florida. It was a whirl wind of a time. This is the first home I've ever owned. I have spent hours planning and scheming to get this house decorated just the way I want it. I learned how to paint in this house. We didn't have the money to hire someone so I did it myself. We allocated $50/month for me to "do stuff around the house". We've had some great times with family and friends. I would say we have spent more quality time with our family since moving down here. We have had some come to Jesus meetings within these walls. A lot of coming together and falling apart. So much good news and bad news has made its way around this house. We got our first puppy. Our baby came home to this house. I feel so connected to this house because we've made it our home. It's our first "home". So while a new house is exciting and fresh and new...my heart aches a little each time I realize we are really moving. We have not packed one single box. Maybe I'm procrastinating. But we are really moving. Contracts are signed, plans have been made for fences, painters and movers. I worry Ashley will not settle in well; that she will be anxious. I think the reality is...I worry I will not settle in well and I will be anxious. I am so adverse to change. I am such a creature of habit...I mean we are literally moving a mile down the street from where we currently live. Seriously. We will get settled in. We will paint and reorganize and make the new house our new home. We will make new memories. We will meet new neighbors. We are moving on to a new chapter of our lives. That is exciting. I am looking forward to "getting to know" the new house. I look forward to our family growing. I look forward to the changes this new house has on the horizon for us. God has brought us along this far. I will continue to trust in him as we make this leap of faith. I will keep updating as we make our big move...excitement and change is in the air folks!

A good old fashion melt down....

I woke up this morning to a screaming 10 month old. Lord knows how long she had been howling because someone...me...turned the volume down too low on the monitor. Yea me. By the time I got a look at my self it was apparent I was a hot mess; red puffy eyes, black makeup under my eyes and one seriously ratty pony tail. But I had broken the seal...I had a mommy melt down last night. My husband and I were sitting out back on a Friday night just talking. Some how he wound up asking me..."what makes you happy..." I stared blankly ahead and answered quietly "I don't know." Then the tears came and didn't stop. It was like someone uncorked the well. I never dreamed being a working mom would be this hard. I have managed many difficult trials in my life but none of them compare to this. It has been a slippery slope; one I can't seem to smile and laugh my way out of this time. The unrest is a bit of a three part series....

My job is to manage three offices for a fortune 500 builder's title company. I manage a staff of full time employees and temp employees. My job is like a wagon that always has a loose wheel. Just when you think its fixed; the damn wheel falls off again. I am constantly putting a band aid on something that needs healing but I cannot seem to get there. I keep thinking once this or that happens we will be a fully operating and well oiled machine. At the end of the day; I feel like a failure. The exact thing I work so hard to make sure my employees don't feel. I go in every day, keep my head above water and do just what I need to do to get through the day.

I am a wife to my husband of almost 10 years. I come home and immediately do something; drop my purse and start dinner, make bottles, change diapers etc. For months I have not had a dinner "plan". We scrounge around for whatever...ends up being left overs I froze or cereal. I feel like a failure. Most of the time I don't even think to kiss my husband; I just start in on the things I need to do to get through the night. 

I am a mother to a 10 month old beautiful daughter. When I get home from work she lights up and rushes over to me with her little baby crawl. I scoop her up and try and give her everything I've got. I eat dinner in 10 minutes so that I can tend to her. I get her fed. I sit on the floor and play with her. I feel like a failure because I am too tired to read to her, practice counting or colors. I do just what I need to do to make sure she knows I am paying attention and that I love her. 

I am a woman. When I wake up in the morning I do just what I need to get through the day. When (ha ha...if) I go to the mall I feel awkward. I am not familiar with the new fashions. I have not flipped through a magazine in months. I no longer buy designer make up because it costs to much. I refuse to buy new clothes because I don't want to admit my size. I just know I will lose the weight I want to in order to fit into my pre-baby clothes. I spend my weekends running errands, taking care of my kid, hiding the guilt I feel because these are the only two days a week I get the privilege of seeing her all day, laundry, cleaning and if I am lucky, a play date to breakfast or Target with one my Mommy friends. I feel like a failure because I swore this week would be different and I would do something out of routine, I would do something for just me. Instead, I fall into bed and do it all again the next day.

I'm not writing this to sing the "my life is so difficult" blues. I am blessed beyond words. I'm writing this because I finally said all these things out loud. My fears and failures were out on the table and I didn't have to hide them anymore. I am writing this because I know as a woman, wife, mother and employee; I AM NOT ALONE. I know there are others of you out there that feel these same feelings. I know in my mind I am not a failure at all these important jobs; but I am struggling telling my heart. I want to give all things 100% and I can't. I am the one left holding the bag. I am the one at the end of the list. I keep thinking; I keep praying that after this or that something will change. I can't wait until the next "thing". "Start small" my friend told me "you don't have to make these drastic changes; just something to change up your routine".  She was right. That was how this all happened to begin with...my husband and I never sit out back and talk but we changed things up and this is what came of it; a release, a start of something new. I have his support and his love. I have some great suggestions. I should have told him a long time ago but I thought I could just manage it. Sometimes we need the support of a spouse, friend or a loved one to be that crutch during our weak times. I am so thankful we "started small"....a solution? I don't have one yet. Just saying these things out loud was a good first step. I'm not sure what my next "small step" will be; but I am certain it will make a difference.

Vacation. Yeah, that's right!

Well it's official; our 1st vacation...alone...is in the books. Care of my company, we were sent on a 5 day 4 night cruise out of Port Canaveral. If it was not a mandatory vaca we probably would not have gone; but we packed our bags and forced some thick skin and headed out. The mini was being watched by a harem of family...my Mom, Grandma and Aunt all drove down from MI to help us out. Well...and let's be honest, a sweet Florida vacation! As expected I cried all the way out of the neighborhood...then something strange happened; I GOT EXCITED! We had not been on a vacation since well before Ash was born. Pre pregnancy we were travelers for business and pleasure. It felt great to pack our bags and have something to look forward too. Admittedly I felt awkward. Since Ash was born, I am a party of two. The attention she commands everywhere she goes, the amount of effort needed just to get out the door, having her on my hip, the conversation piece she has become...I was alone for the 1st time in 8  months. I was just a girl; a wife. When people saw me they had no idea I had a baby; I was just Allison. I didn't have to talk about her or babies. Again, awkward. Without realizing, she has become all consuming. No kidding right?! It was nice to ease back into just being me. No bottles to wash, no diaper bag to pack for day care, no fussing, no "NO don't put that in your mouth!"...but no snuggling, no giggles, no sweet smiles. My husband and I talked about many things. We did not talk about Ash....well not really. It was a relief with out a cell phone, computer, or I-something. It was a relief to just be a wife and friend to my husband. It was nice to laugh with him and be adults. We had a great time with my co-workers. I could feel the tension melt in my shoulders. Being that Ash was with three adult women I did not find my self nervous about her well being just missed little ole her. By the last day of the trip, we were ready to swim to shore and run to her. While it was nice to escape the monotony I found myself getting itchy for the routine. I found myself wanting aching for my baby and the cozy feeling of my family of three. I can only imagine how "some day" it will feel to not come home to her. When she moves away and we don't know where she is all day. What I've learned on a VERY limited scale, God will prepare me for each of her next steps. I've thought many times, "what happens when...?" or "what will we do when she..?' and each time she is ready and so are we. That said, I now understand the ache my own Mom must feel living in Michigan and me 1800 miles away in Florida. As a daughter it's hard to live so far away from my Mom but AS the Mom...#&$*#*%(*@)!!!! But, we made it through and it was fun. We are already plotting our next adult adventure. I am excited for the possibility to enter the world of being just a girl again; with the comfort of knowing I will return to my sweet little angel and be better for it. Thank you to my family for letting us spread our wings. Thank you to my husband. We both did it. We both made the effort to reconnect. I am glad to be home. I am glad to be a Mommy....and I am really glad she is sleeping right now so I can write this!!!! 

Love at it finest...sick wife, sick baby!

OMG. That is really the only thing I can say. I have just experienced my first go around with both Ashley and I being sick..at.the.same.time. She started it; germ carrier! I took her to the doctors on Saturday (God bless my doc having Saturday hours!) he diagnosed her with the "common cold". No antibiotics. By Sunday night I could feel it coming, the nasty wave of SICK. My husband was already slated to stay home Monday to give the mini one more day home. I woke up Monday like I had been hit by a mack truck. Not to mention the puking in the middle of the night. I called the doctor first thing and wouldn't you know...2:15pm was the earliest appointment. Excellent. I just laid in bed and cried. I could hear Ashley coughing in the other room and really, I could not go to her. I felt awful. I drifted in and out of sleep until my doctors appointment. All the while my amazing husband was tending, ever so gently, to our sick little one. I could hear him playing with her, talking to her and comforting her.  When I finally peeled myself out of bed, got dressed in my loveliest attire...wrinkled sweats and a t-shirt from the floor...brushed my teeth (ack!) and headed out; my car wouldn't start!!!!! really?! I ran back in grabbed my husbands keys and off I ran in his car. All I could think of is ****...he is supposed to go out of town tomorrow, I'm sick, baby's sick, my car is dead...insert more tears here. After a 2 hour ordeal at the doc's got home and off he went to get the car fixed. Crisis averted, dead battery. He kept me updated on his timing knowing I was laying on the floor like a lump watching Ashley just enough so she didn't get hurt. I needed to go back to sllllleeeeepppp. Arg. 4am rolled around and Ash was up with a coughing fit. Dad to the rescue!!! He jumped out of bed and took care of her. He had to be up at 5am so getting up even that one hour earlier SUCKS!!!!  That let me get more, much needed, sleep. I knew I would be on my own today; but thanks to modern medicine I am on the mend. Not great but I'm going to live.
Rewind to a few weeks ago when both my husband and I were both sick (thank you again to our germ incubating child)...that could possibly be hell on earth. Let's just say my husband and I didn't do so well working out who was pulling what duty.
This time was different. My husband did what every wife hopes and prays her husband does in a situation like this...acted like a wife! LOL! Ashley was fed, changed, bathed, and happy, dishes were done, house was clean, dog taken out, cat box cleaned, etc... It was amazing. I could just be sick and rest. I am so very thankful.
Sometimes in our marriage I don't always feel like our responsibilities are divided up equally. Being a full time working mom, every second of my day is accounted for. I saw a hilarious Swiffer commercial about how Swiffer makes cleaning faster and after cleaning the mom picks up a book dusts it off and says "I'm going to read one of this!!!" I laugh every time I see it because, THAT'S ME! Reading...last.on.the.list. Just like everything else that has to do with ME.

We've been married almost 10 years. What I know about marriage is that it is easy to let the little things slide even when they mean so much. Some times the tenderness and patience wanes. Sometimes you feel like roommates. Marriage take work; effort. I am certain I will continue to feel there are days we pull different shares of the household and baby duties. I will continue to feel the strain of working, taking care of my child, the house and my husband. I will always pray for more time. But what I am most certain of is that my husband will be there to pick up that last dish, scoop the cat box just one more time, and rock our sniffly, coughing baby to sleep at 4am and to love and care for me when I need it most. Thank you for being an amazing father and husband. Thank you for being everything I ever hoped for. Thank you for loving me even when it's hard. I love you.

Confessions of a bully...and the bullied

In elementary school I was the catalyst for my group of friends to turn on one of the group. This girl spent one whole summer with out friends. Her mom must have hated me. At the time I remember my Mom asking me what happened and if I had done anything to cause this. I was indignant and blew her off the only way a 5th grader knows how. I remember thinking, she was right, but I didn't know how to unwind what I had done. At the end of the summer one girl decided to re-friend this girl and all of us followed suit.

In junior high, I got mine. My group of friends; my BFF's decided they didn't like me anymore. It was explained to me "you've changed". I wasn't invited anywhere any more. I was devastated. My life was O-V-E-R. 

Recently, my niece experienced her first go around with "mean girls"...she was un-friended on Face Book by one of her BFF's. She was a wreck. Hearing this made me want to kick this little bitches ass. I've been there, I could feel the sting of the rejection as if it had just happened to me. 

At the risk of sounding like my mother or grandmother, things just aren't the same for tweens and teens as they were when I was that age. Information is always moving, so for us, when we went home from school the only communication was the land line phone that your mom picked up and said hello 16 times. Now, with FB, Twitter, internet, texting, cell phones, etc...it seems like the bullying can go on 24/7. Lovely.

I hope the girl that I bullied reads this and knows I have felt the sting of guilt each and every time I hear her name, think of elementary school, hear of mean girls, and think of the same thing happening to my daughter. I hope she knows how sorry I am. I can only imagine the anguish her mom must have gone through watching her little girl alone all summer long. Stab.to.the.heart. 

Becoming an adult heals a lot of those childhood hurts. I grew up, matured, gained confidence, found my strength in God and make an effort to be a NICE person. I hope that through my experience as a bully and as the bullied I can better teach my daughter to not be the "mean girl". I hope that I am never that mom that says "oh, Ashley would never do that..." OF COURSE SHE WOULD...she has a little kid brain. I recently read an article in Parents magazine (I attached the link below) that gave me hope that if when my kid is bullied there is a reasonable parent on the other end that will partner with me to make our kids better people. Nicer people. 

http://www.parents.com/kids/problems/bullying/mean-kids/

Life is like a trip to NYC

Life is like a trip to New York City; there is not enough time nor money to do everything you want to do. I discovered this as my husband and I began to plan a trip...Initially, I said "we are going for at least a week". We are going to dig into the city; go and do everything and anything we want. Fast forward to today, post tax filing and realizing hotel rooms are $800 a night...we are staying three nights, four days. ****. Well, in that case we revamp the plan and squeeze in just the necessities; statue of liberty, Ellis Island, 9/11 Memorial, Top of the Rock, Broadway, and then don't forget Central Park, a NYC bagel shop, food from a street vendor, I've got to see where GMA is filmed, FAO Schwartz, a cupcake shop I saw on Food Network, a late night comedian show....Ok, so, as you can see, we just cannot sleep. We'll have to power through to check all these things off our list. Impossible if we really want to enjoy savor each activity AND our time together.
This is the same way my life works. Only I'm not sure the end date of this vacation. We never have enough time or money to do all the things we want. Don't get me wrong, I have checked some amazing things off the bucket list (note to self: add watch the movie "The Bucket List" to my bucket list...) but yet the list is ever growing. I always feel like I have plenty of time and when I make more money, when Ashley is older, when this or that happens I'll do that next "thing".
I woke up late this morning, muttered a profane word to the alarm clock and my husband for not "waking me up" despite the TV blaring, bathroom light on, and my alarm clock going off...naturally it is his fault I overslept. I rolled over and stared at the ceiling..."Ashley will be 6 months old in T-minus 6 days and counting". WWWWHHHHAAATTTT?! That thought hit me like a ton of bricks....I have a 6 month old kid. Holy shit. Where the "F" did the last 6 months go?! Well, I'll tell you...giving birth, feeding, up all night, making bottles, crying fits, death of my GP, back to work, daycare, family visits....and here we are days before my B-A-B-Y is 6 months old. The mystery of it all is where did the time go? Will I wake up tomorrow and she's 6, then 16 then, then, then?! And in the midst of all of this, who am I? what am I doing? what are my husband and I doing?
I have to stop. I have to breath. If I am not careful, I'm going to wake up and be 60 and still have the same Bucket List as I have today. I have to slow it down but I have to get things done. What are my goals? What are MY DREAMS? I get anxious thinking about this because I'm not sure I have any. I feel stagnant and I hate that. In the same breath, I am content. I love my life. But I must have dreams...goals....wants...right? So much of my existence of recent has been about getting pregnant, staying pregnant, birth, and thus raising this little person. I've definitely got hopes and dreams FOR HER but how will she ever have hopes and dreams for herself if she doesn't see me actively pursuing what makes me happy? WHAM &#&*#*(#* hello gut check, nice to see you...I'm in the place I always hoped I would be; married, house, car, job & insert baby and la de da...the perfect existence.  Annnnnd yet, there is still this stirring in my soul. I need goals and dreams that are M-I-N-E. *heavy sigh*
Note to self: Add make list of goals and dreams to "to do" list right in between grocery shopping and cleaning the house.
That's how the goals and dreams disappear.
I'm going to change that this year. My only New Year's resolution was to floss daily. Pretty awesome right? *insert eye roll here* So far, I'm batting about 60% success. BUT that is 60% better than last year...ah, improvement. Seriously, I've got to stop. I've got to LIVE. I've got to learn to breath. I've got to relax.
I'll put that on my list...starting tomorrow ;) for real this time. By this time next year, if I'm batting 60% that's still 60% better than last year. Ah, improvement!