The Christmas holiday is in full swing and to be honest this year has been a raw season in my life. At Thanksgiving I chalked this fuzzy feeling in my gut up to the timing so close to my Grandfathers passing. As we near Christmas the fuzzy feeling became more clear. The holidays remind me of expectations, ones met and ones that go unmet. Let me be clear what I mean by expectations....
Expectations of my family...our parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings; the whole messed up lot of them. Let's face it, I don't know anyone's family to look like the Cleaver's. Sadly. Nothing made the unmet expectations in my life more clear than having a daughter. It is hard to face unmet expectations of your own but when it effects your child it is entirely different.
I realized there are many people in my life that I have expectations of. None of which I have ever sat down and said "here are my expectations of you". But many have failed my expectations. We are talking the basics here. We can use my Dad as one example. He is an alcoholic. He lies, manipulates, and is completely unreliable. He wasn't always like this. He is the most extreme case of unmet expectations. My expectations of him are that he maintains a home and a job, plans for his retirement, pays his bills, is there for me when I need him and acts like he wants to be a part of my life. He has failed on all accounts. Christmas is a reminder he is not who he used to be. My life and what I knew of as "family" is not what it "used" to be. When I think about what I want for my daughter, I want what I had growing up. From a kids perspective it was great. However, as I became an adult I started to see my family for the people they are.
Last night I helped deliver Christmas presents to a foster home with my office. This was the first time in my life I got to see the face of someone receiving the gift I was giving. These kids ranged in age from 7-17. They have been in and out of foster care, 1 of 23 kids were up for adoption as the majority's parents have not terminated their parental rights. Most of them will live there until they graduate from high school. Some will return to parents or another family member and some will transition to another foster care facility. 50% of me was horrified at the harsh reality of their situation and 50% was amazed and grateful a facility like this one exists to help support these lost babies (I realize they are not "technically" babies but they are). They were amazing, bright, loving and kind children. They thanked us over and over and over. They asked for hugs over and over and over. They loved everything they got from socks and underwear to the footballs and easy bake ovens. One of the older boys opened his brand new package of sock and smelled them. He said "wow, these smell so clean". Breaks your heart doesn't it?
I've never worn a dirty pair of socks. I've never been without. It was easy to forget where I really was until I walked to my car to drive home. I was going home to my safe, clean and comfortable home. Everything was just where I left it...all my precious "stuff". The coveted bracelet I "had" to have for Christmas. The brand new lazy boy my husband "had" to have for Christmas. The one item every kid was amazed and excited about was the candy. To them this is a luxury item...YES in AMERICA a Milky Way is still a luxury item to some people. What was even more amazing was they would share this coveted candy with each other. To be honest, these kids don't even know where they will be next Christmas but they lived in this moment and shared their few prized possessions.
This "little office project" moved something in me. These kids had have expectations of their parents. Their parents have failed them in the most epic way possible. These precious kiddos don't have a say or a choice. We've all been broken somehow along the way; none of that means you must repeat the cycle.
The greatest thing about my Grandpa was his character. He met my expectations, always. He was the adult he was supposed to be. He played his role. He stepped up when he needed to and stepped down when it was time for me to rise. As a parent, that is my job. As a wife, daughter, aunt, cousin, niece and granddaughter, I OWE it to the people in my life to live my BEST life so that I can be what I need to be for them. We all have roles like the ones I listed above. Have you fulfilled those for the people who are counting on you? Are you living your best life? We all owe it to ourselves and to our families. Families are supposed to be about unconditional love, acceptance, forgiveness and security....THAT is what provides children the stability they need to grow into their potential. THAT is what allows them to reach their potential and be GOOD people in society. THAT is our responsibility as a human family. Merry Christmas! May this holiday season move you to make the changes you need to life your BEST life. God Bless!
