Today was yellow shirt day at the mini's school. She wore a pink shirt today. I somehow missed that today the kids were supposed to wear yellow. Moments like these make me feel like having a mini melt down. My kid is two...I don't think she really knows or cares she is wearing pink and all the other kids are in yellow but I know and I care. Why? because I missed something for my kid. I failed.
My aunt who I have not seen in 10+ years recently came for a visit. This is a LONG dramatic story that I will not go into...but to say that her coming back into my life is a miracle is putting it lightly. As families go, mine had a melt down..not a mini...but a Chernobyl type melt down years ago. The hope of finding anybody alive in the wreckage was slim and those you might find were badly disfigured. Yes I know...dramatic...but true. Fast forward to today and somehow by the grace of God we are all different people in different places in our lives. Her coming to visit was very anxiety filled. To do list: house must be cleaned to perfection, all to do projects done, fridge stocked, everyone in matching cardigans and big, beautiful smiles on our faces damn it! because we are a nice, normal freaking family! As I paced the airport waiting area I'm thinking...I look tired, my jeans are too long, why didn't I lose 10 lbs?...UGH. As soon as she got off the plane my anxiety faded. It was just like old times. My mom was here while she visited as well and the two of them took care of us like you wouldn't believe. Made frozen dinners for our crazy weeknight meals, fresh baked cookie bars, laundry done, house clean, etc....They were amazing.
I had prayed for years for this moment. I had ached for my family to come back together. Maybe healing comes in cookies. Maybe healing comes in watching my aunt hold my baby girl. Maybe healing comes in little moments. I have carried this heavy cloak of hurt, bitterness and anger for all these years. It has become part of who I am. I am anxious now to let it go. God has given us mercy; let me not waste it being angry.
Many days I operate on the verge of a mini melt down. My past, my daily stress, my anxiety all push me to the edge. When I miss yellow shirt day at daycare I feel like I've failed. God works in mysterious ways they say. I disagree...his ways are not mysterious. They are perfect. They meet us where we are; when we are ready. I am ready to close that chapter of my life. I am open to healing. That way when I miss show and tell or red shirt day I won't feel like I failed but just accept that I am a busy mom/wife/employee/daughter/niece AND THAT'S OKAY.
I'll leave you with this...Laura Story's song lyrics to "Blessings"
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
