I hung up the phone and tears filled my eyes. It was 10:00am, I was at work, hair washed, a "good" outfit on and Ashley's school called. "Your daughter threw up and you need to come get her" they said.
In a rush to get everyone out the door "on time" I had pushed her through breakfast. Even after her repeated attempts to tell me her tummy hurt and she wasn't hungry. Like a good soldier she forced down four strawberries, half a breakfast bar and milk. I told her no "special treat" after dinner; if you don't eat a good breakfast you can't have treats. She just nodded and asked "are you happy Mommy?" "Yes" I said sternly with teeth clenched, Jake hanging off my hip. " I just want you to eat...I don't want you to get hungry and grumpy later" I replied as sweetly as I could. I dropped her off, warned the teacher she "wasn't quite herself" and I was off. I dropped Jake at his school and then my turn to get to work. I fly like a bat out of hell and roll in 30 min late...as usual. Humf.
When I got the call, I could feel the tension rising. My husband is out of town again, it's end of month at work, I don't have time for any hiccups. That's when the tears came. My co-worker and friend came in and I just looked up, tears streaming. "I can't do this" I whispered. My mind was racing. I don't give work 100%, I don't give my kids 100% frankly my marriage, myself, family, friends...HA! they get almost nothing. Mom guilt is a terrible thing...If I wasn't racing 100 miles an hour every second of everyday, I wouldn't have missed her being sick. I would have known last night when she didn't eat dinner, something was up. When she asked me to lay with her at bed time; why didn't I? She seemed fine and honestly, I was spent. Just like every other day and night. I often feel like a rubber band about to snap. That if one more single thing happens I will surly break. My co-worker had some heavy, kind words. "Family first. You do give us (work) enough; more than enough..." Still, if I'm being honest, it's not enough. As a working mom, I will never be able to give either my children or my job what they REALLY need. Great. Then what? I guess Taylor Swift might be onto something....I guess we "Shake it off". Go at it again another day. Walk the tight rope. Dance the very intricate dance; all while hoping and praying we're not screwing up.
I dried my eyes, packed my lap top up and headed out. The little one was laying on a mat in the directors office with a bucket next to her. "I suck" I thought. Kids are filled with grace. She doesn't quite know how awful I feel. She just knows I'm here now. She is asleep on the couch for the second time today. We've had a good day. Watched one too many Mickey's for my taste...but it's not about me. If the "hot dog dance" makes her smile today...then me too. I can only pray I'm hitting 100% some of the time. The important times. Pray.
