As I shimmed into my maternity jeans thinking damn, I left these in the dryer too long, the pit in my stomach grew. Today was the day I had been dreading for 90 days, since the minute she was born. I was going back to work. It seemed like ages since I had been there. I tried on about 4 shirts and after leaving a heap on the floor decided on a t-shirt and cardigan. At least my arms didn't look too fat. arg. Sweatpants and sweatshirts didn't scream baby weight but my old pre-preggo clothes did. The anticipation mounted. How would I feel, would I still have "it", could I still do my job and be a mommy, wife, friend, daughter, blogger I loved being....I had gotten so comfortable in those roles. But it had to be done, rip the band aid off.
As I drove away from day care, crying, I knew she would be okay. I knew the girls would take care of her. But I looked back at the empty hole where the car seat was and just sighed. I am paying someone to spend the best part of the day with my baby. Awesome. This is how it works for so many mommy's. AND IT SUCKS. There is no nice way to put it. I live in this toilet swirl of doubt, guilt, sadness. Doubting we were making the right decision, guilty that I was excited to get back to the land of the working girl, sad because I already missed her like crazy. Why does this have to be so hard???
Women worked tirelessly so that girls like me could GO to work and hold a position better than "secretary"(although still a very honorable job). Why then do I wish we still lived in a society where women stayed home and that was acceptable? Why am I bitter that "the Jones" came along and lured us into more and more things we had to have? Why as I drive to my beautiful office, sit proudly as the office manager of three offices for a fortune 500 company do I wish I did not have this opportunity in the first place? THEN also wish for that regional manager position, wish I was on a book tour or a host on DWTS...then it would be okay that I worked because the money would be better, could have a traveling nanny and so on. Sigh...I guess what I am getting at is, why, why is it that women are tormented with these irrational and emotional thoughts as mommy's? I want to be with my kid all day, know exactly what she does. I want to be at my office solving problems and feeling the rush of the corporate grind. Is that too much to ask?!
The first day back to work was great. My baby did great. She probably really liked it at day care. When I got home I was so excited to see her. I felt so lucky to hold her and rock her to sleep. She is sleeping in her own bed, a product of me going back to work. The empty pack and play I see when I go to sleep tonight is a painful reminder of how quickly it feels like time is slipping away. What is next graduation, college, marriage, babies...ahhhhhhh!
I am sitting here at 10:00pm at night (I should totally be asleep), watching the baby monitor, listening to my husband snore and loving my life. This parent trap is hard. It's hard on a woman, a marriage and your soul. Oddly, I feel a rush of being alive; having a purpose. I will get out of those dang maternity jeans, my arms won't feel so fat and my sweet daughter will still appreciate my love whether I work our side of the home or not. I don't know what the future holds for me as a working girl, as a mom, or a woman. I do know, I found my self again during that 90 days. Maybe that's what its all about, digging deep and looking at life as LIVING not just being. My job now is to produce a good human being. What I do for a living just pays for it.
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