Truth in Pictures

The above picture is from our Christmas cards this year. For me, this is the epitome of Home and Garden magazine perfect. What our photographer captured is everything I have ever dreamed my life to be...husband, dog, kid, nice house, beautiful Christmas decor, etc... I find myself working more and more everyday toward this type of perfect. The unattainable perfect. While there is definitely some truth in pictures...in our house it would look more like: Mommy - sweatpants, no make up (ummm, yikes), hair (unwashed) up in a clip and probably food and/or snot on my shirt. Daddy - Duck Dynasty shirt (wears everyday, regardless), sweat shorts and bed head. Ashley - onesie, pants, one sock on and one sock off, hair EVERYWHERE, banana in her hair and food on and in her shirt. Now, lucky for our friends and family that picture didn't grace our cards. But that picture is the truth. That is our life...for real. But everyday, I strive for perfection. The unattainable type.
This week we had some daycare drama.  Drama that has us considering a daycare change. That said, I've never felt the type of indecisive, gut checking feelings that this situation has faced us with. In truth, day care is a choice. If we had to or chose to we could live off one income. Our daycare is a choice, we could pull Ashley out and place her at a new facility. So in light of these choices, I feel guilt. Are we doing the right thing? are we being selfish? Now, by drama I am not talking our kid got beat up, abused, harmed, etc... Our expectations are not being met in her current class room; not in the educational or nurturing sense. Our director has expressed that their expectations are the same as ours and they will work on her classroom. Only time will tell. It's a horrible feeling thinking you are gambling on the welfare of your child. But are we really? are we being over zealous? WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL US PARENTING WAS SO HARD!? parenting pushes and pulls your heart and mind in ways they have never been pushed.
Perfection. It is the master to which we work everyday. Make more money, buy more cool things, do more in life. Money = better life. Daycare, the entity we pay to help us work harder for more money. Daycare, this place we expect to be equal to us day in and day out with 10x more kids. Daycare, our co-parent; the crutch that we lean on to help us to perfection. The unattainable kind.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses. So that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong"
Our pastor said today "Shape your lens with truth or your circumstances will shape them for you" Isn't that the freaking truth. The more I seek perfection, the more I come up empty. I will never get there. Isn't that disappointing? or is it?  It has been in that disappointment; in that black hole of chasing that I found God. Because of course, a piece of the puzzle of this image is you go to Church like a good person. I am trusting God to lead us through this daycare dilemma. I am not trying not to let the insecurities of my weaknesses get the best of me. Ashley is an amazing kid and gift to us. I'm trying to let the perfect go so I don't bestow this lovely gift upon her.
Below is a picture of what really happened when we got our pictures taken...the ones that were (of course) not chosen to reflect our Home and Garden family....they are hilarious and I should have used them. Next year. There's always grace in the future. 

Ashley ran around like a crazy kid...well, she is one and a half. Maybe she is the one who will teach us grace. After all, she is the answer to so many prayers already.

We are F-A-M-I-L-Y!

As I was drying my hair this morning I actually took a look at myself; a good long look in my eyes. I saw the traits of my family. A melting pot of resemblances. It is the holidays. A time to reflect and give thanks. The truth is, I think about my family and judge, judge, judge. I think of hurts, words that should have gone unsaid and open wounds. I think of the saying "you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family" it occurred to me today...that is by design. We are placed into our family dynamic (dysfunctional as it may be) for a reason. These people are there to shape and mold our being. They are the fiber of our make up. From grandparents, aunts, cousins, uncles, moms and dads. It's easy to look on the outside and see the similarities...but if I take a hard look at the inside the resemblances are there too. From simple things like my laugh to the heavy heartedness of a life lead astray. 

The holiday season usually jogs my memory bank of times tucked way back in the recesses of my mind. Memories of family Thanksgivings at my Grandparent's, Christmas Dinners, and the excitement of stockings and presents. Today, my family is spread all over the US from AZ to VA from MI to FL. The holidays are not what they used to be. They don't bring that tingle in my soul or the excitement of things to come. We moved to Florida almost 10 years ago. At the time it was the right thing to do. John and I needed a chance to make our own way. Where I come from people generally don't move too far away from their family. To my point, both sets of my grandparents lived in the same town I grew up in and the rest of the fam was not but an hour away. It was refreshing to have a new life in Florida. When the holidays came around those first few years I would cry but in a way I was relieved. Now I have my own daughter and the longing of the past is creeping up more and more. I'm sad she will not know holidays as I did. I am sad she will not know her family like I did. But Florida is a choice. We have made our way and we have made so many amazing friends who have become our family. While we do not look the same, our hearts are the same. That's the holiday's Ashley will know.

This holiday season is starting to feel differently. There is a recurrence of the feeling; the word: grace. Both sides of my immediate family are splintered. Both for different reasons. The heartache for me is the same. For years these feuds or sicknesses have prevailed. No solution, no one working on a solution. No grace for anyone. No peace. While we all continue on with our day to day lives I imagine the sadness lingers. The loss of family whether we all care to admit it or not is an open wound. Given the chance I think we would all do something different. But the past is what it is....the future however has the opportunity for a chance; a change. The saying is right you can't pick your family. Knowing what I know today, taking away the judgement, taking away the pain, I wouldn't pick anyone differently. I am who I am today, my laugh, my personality, my nose, my confidence, my insecurities, the entire package, because of each of them. They are the ones who I need in my life. Good or bad (depending on how you look at it) God put them in my path as MY family, blood, for a reason. The same blood that courses through their veins is my blood. You can pick your friends and that is an amazing opportunity. 

As you sit around your holiday tables this season...try not to roll your eyes. Try not to judge. Try to look at each person around you as God's divine choosing for YOU and YOU for them. 

God Bless you this Christmas Season. Best of luck to make your way through this crazy time of year. Maybe, just maybe, this is the season for change. But, maybe the change is within you.

Missed Opportunity

I missed it. I knew I missed it while I was missing it. Ashley and I spent last Saturday wandering around Walmart. As I pulled in the parking lot I looked around not to park next to a hoopdy mobile, I didn't want my precious car to get a door ding or broken into *JUDGEMENT*. We walked in and I held my purse close and my daughter in my sights and close at hand. I stood in the customer service line internally rolling my eyes at the employees who didn't speak much English; "if they are going to work here; they need to speak English..." *JUDGEMENT* I eyed up the other shoppers in front of me and walking through the door. "nice outfit, cheap purse, could have brushed your hair...and teeth, must have to shop here...." *JUDGEMENT* all little things running through my mind as I waited. I returned my item and we wandered the store to pass the time. We perused the clearance merchandise only to find "toilet skins" like a skin for your cell phone but for your toilet seat. "OMG seriously who buys this shit!" I thought to my self. *JUDGEMENT* I ruffled my brow, rolled my eyes. "Ugh, I hate this store." But we wandered anyway. We picked up a pair of shoes for Halloween, a few outfits for Ashley, Christmas pj's, hair bows and rubber bands. None of which we needed but wanted, I guess. Then we took our selves over to the toys. "Let's just check out what they have here" I told Ashley. She did not need ONE MORE THING. Not an outfit, a toy, a book. NOTHING. We passed by an aisle where I noticed a lady pulling change out of her pockets and making piles on an empty shelf. I paused. I knew what was going on....she had a basket full of things and she was trying to see how much money she had to pay for said items. Stunned, I made a loop and went down the other side to see this again. I froze. I stared. Thank God she didn't see me. *JUDGEMENT* OH HOW SAD. I kept moving. Mind shift..."is there anything else we need sweetheart?" I say to my daughter. We head out another $50 spent, er wasted. I got home and didn't give the lady counting change another thought.

Sunday at Church the service went something like this.... "Terminate prejudices in your life", "be an instrument, not a barrier of the Good News", "Don't allow comfort to limit God's plan". My head ached and my stomach churned. My eyes burned with tears. I had failed. I had missed an opportunity. In all my greed and selfishness I only worry/worried about myself. God stired my soul. I thought to myself "why didn't you go put back all the shit in your cart you have no business buying and absolutely NO need for....why didn't you get this girl a gift card or cash. SHOW her God's grace and LOVE." I have more than I need, never enough that I greed. I prayed in this moment for God to stop me. Please don't let me miss another opportunity in my life. Our pastor said...."we are not responsible for everyone, just the people that God puts in our path" He was right. She was put in my path to help. I could have been an instrument to God's Good News; to God's love. I have prayed for this girl everyday since then. I think I will pray for her and others like her everyday forever. I feel my shortcomings. I feel all the weaknesses. I spend so much time convincing myself what a great person, how giving and kind I am. Maybe I am, when it's convenient. God has a way of opening our eyes with the sights and sounds of what shakes us to the core. He has a way of speaking to us as we need it. Thank God. 

The Big Mud Run

Ashley just turned a year old in August.  So prior to that, I was preggers and sick, sick, sick through out my pregnancy. Needless to say my body, as far as exercise is concerned, is starving. In a moment of sheer weakness, I agreed to participate in the Keel and Curley Winery Blue Berry Stomp mud run on a team of four. That being said, a mud run or something like that has been on my bucket list for a while now but there has always been a good reason not to participate. This time, no good reason. I decided I'm just going to do it. When I signed up I had 56 days till the big run. PLENTY of time, I told myself, to prepare physically. I would get up in the mornings a few days a week and run. I could get my work out video's out (dust them off) and do those. I will walk nightly with my husband and kid. NONE of which happened. Well, if you count walking strolling down the street around the cul-de-sac and back home...approximately .0026 miles, then in that case I worked it out HARD! Or not. Once I got close to the big day I decided I better not train because I am always a bullet out of the gun the first time I run/work out or like Toby Keith said..."I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was!

The big day was upon me. I jumped out of bed at 6am, made my coffee and breakfast and I was out the door. Jamming out all the way to Colleen's (BTW she is the culprit for signing me up). When I got there we were all smiles. We stood around for a bit talking up the anticipation and excitement. Then we were off. The winery was crazy packed but the buzz of excitement was all around. We were out with the 9am group. WOW. Now, I realize this run in terms of mud runs (at a mere 2.5 miles) is probably considered "easy"....it was not. Literal mud, ravines of mud, mounds of mud, hay stacks to climb, barrels to bear crawl over, planks to walk, etc. and just the freaking running in between. Oh. My. Word. I am out of shape. When I crossed the finish line I was pleasantly surprised. I did it! I completed my first "run". Part of the allure of signing up was you got a free wine glass and two free drink tickets for afterwards...score! So we drank and ate. Just all of us girls. And it was SO NICE. It felt good to be there. Good to be me. Good to be out of the bubble of my normal life. Good to be with other women and moms. Good to be a muddy, sweaty, buzzed mess.

When I woke up the next morning EVERYTHING hurt. WOW. I am not 20 anymore and I cannnnnnot just physically jump into something like this. Two days later I'm still sore BUT I smile because its an "I'm still alive" sore. I can still do anything I want in this life. I just have to decide. Or Colleen will just sign me up...haha! This will not be my last run; however I will "train" for the next one. The truth isn't 100% of what Toby Keith said..."I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was!" My body just isn't the same...but my heart is. 

Oh and what a party it was!

Sooooooo.....For Ashley's first birthday I went a little Pearl Hamilton. For those of you who thought I was going to say Martha...think again. Growing up, I was friends with a girl who had the most extravagant and creative parties E.V.E.R. I'm talking fondue, candy bars with her name on them, DJ's, etc... The parties were always fun and over the top. I didn't go to her wedding but the pictures were amazing and again over the top cool. As I started putting Ashley's hungry caterpillar party together I imagined this was how Pearl must have felt planing Lindsey's parties. Thanks to Facebook I see the tradition continues; Lindsey's daughter had a 2nd birthday that was just sticky sweet pink and princessy. I was in love. I would say I "came out of the closet" in a way as I heard from several people "I had no idea you were this creative!" Yes folks I have always obsessed about doing these types of things. Now please understand, in my eyes, Pearl is a legend when it comes to party planning. So Pearl, if you read this...I am clearly after your title of best party planner ever!!! Thanks to my BFF Colleen; Ash even had a HC dress!!! Ahhh the glory of it all!
So just a few quick items we did in case you are interested:

1. HC Lanterns: I purchased red and green lanterns from party city and decorated the face and used pipe cleaners for the antennas. They came with fishing line of sorts for hanging...super easy!
2. HC colored prints: Found images on line and printed them in color. I taped some up around the house and some I taped to skewers and stuck in the food on the table.I used a hole punch to give the appearance the caterpillar had eaten a bite out of the pictures.
3. Snacks: Sausage and swiss cheese and crackers. We took a pastry piping tip and cut little holes out of the sausage and swiss. Caprese kabobs with a piece of basil, cherry tomato and mozzarella...drizzled with balsamic and olive oil.
4. Party Favors: I used teal Christmas bulbs (shatterproof), dipped the bottoms in tacky glue and sand, painted palm trees and the kids names and the date BEFORE THE PARTY (a huge shout out to my girl April for painting all the palm trees and writing the names!!!) At the party, the kids who attended dipped their little fingers in red and green paint to make a caterpillar then right before they left we used a marker to put eyes, feet and the antenna's on...ADORABLE! "Caterpillar goes to Florida"
5. Gift bags: Bags from JoAnn's, made the tags my self from construction paper and hand stamped the "thank you" and the butterfly. Stamps were .99 at Walmart. I did put shreads in the bottom to give the ornaments something to sit on.
6. HC Watermelon bowls: bought three, used one as the head and carved out the other two for fruit bowls at the party.
7. The branches and twigs: found them outside and dragged them home...much to my husbands dismay! then glued little sparkly pom pom's to them so there were little caterpillar's "crawling" all over them.
8. 12 Months of Ashley: I color printed 12 pic's from birth to 1 year and glued them to construction paper to make each individual "hump" to the caterpillar. It was crazy to see how she evolved over the 1st year!!!! 

Oh it was so much fun!!!! The party was fun, the guests were a blast, Ash was friendly and made her way through the guests with out getting too overwhelmed, the food was great, all in all, job well done. I did mention something along the lines of..."I think I have a party plan for next year" and I was quickly ix-nayed by the husband. Eh' in a few hundread days he'll forget and maybe just maybe I will be Pearl again next year ;)
Thank you to all who attended. To our friends and family thank you for making this the best year of our lives. We are forever grateful.
Till next year...I hear 2nd birthdays are more fun...ha ha ha!

The Inevidable Good-Bye

I could see the airport in the distance. The rain was pounding my windshield. Ashley was screaming in the backseat. My poor Mom sitting beside her trying to eek out just a few more seconds of time in front of her. My eye's welled with tears. It was the inevitable time for my Mom and and I to part ways; she would head back to Michigan this morning and I would head back home to resume my Motherly duties with out my faithful backup.  There is such an emptiness when she leaves. The time truly does fly by with out a care in the world that it will be months before we will see each other again. This was a fun trip. Ashley's birthday party was Saturday and the weekend was a whirlwind of planning, shopping, and last minute preparations. We'd been talking about it for months. Trading pictures and ideas. The party flew by and sweet relief rushed over me when it was over. Mostly because Ashley had been great. Then life resumed and I returned to work. Grandma took care of Ashley all week..walks, swimming, reading and playing. What a great week for Ash! As always our time together draws to a close too soon. There is definitely an itch for both to get back to "normal" life but we both know the ache of being so far apart. That morning we wrapped up loose ends, got her all packed up and headed out the door. Uncharacteristically, Ashley just screamed the whole way to the airport. I told my mom this was Ashley's way of making it easier to go home. We both snickered a bit knowing there was no easy way to say good bye. I quickly pulled in to departures and we unpacked her bags and I pulled a teary Ash out of her car seat. Mom and I hugged and cried. Thanked each other for "everything" said our "I love you's" and that was that. She headed in and I packed Ashley back up. We both cried the whole way home. The rain poured down. It was fitting for our mood. 

When I lived in Michigan seeing my Mom was such a "to do" list item. It was only when I moved that I realized how hard it was to not have her around. We can rationalize that the time we spend together now is "quality" time; but that doesn't make it any easier. It's hard to grow up and be an adult. It's hard to be a wife and a mom. When my Mom is here the burden is lifted. Laundry is done, dinner gets made, stains find there way out of clothes, buttons and holes in shirts get sewn up, silverware drawers get cleaned out, and I get to watch my little girl enjoy my Mom the way I do. She is such a lucky little girl to have my Mom as her  Grandma. I am such a lucky girl to have my Mom. 

For all you lucky gal's who's Mommy's live near by...count your blessings. Even if she gets on your nerves...and let's be honest it happens. Enjoy that you get to spend that mundane day to day together.

Till next time.....Thanks Mom, for EVERYTHING!

One Year.

It's looming. I am reminded almost daily. I can see it in so many ways. In 26 days my baby will be one year old. I snuggled her as she napped today instead of putting her in her crib to "get things done". I sat in the quiet peacefulness of her room. I smelled her hair. I felt her skin. I listened to her breath. I giggled as she snored. My precious little one. My mind rolled through the last year. At this time last year I was at the end of my pregnancy begging for it to be over. It's summer time in Florida and being pregnant is probably the worst thing next to not having air conditioning. I remembered the anxiousness and the fear. I smiled at the planning and the expectations.  I considered the person I was just one year ago. It is a gross understatement to say "so much has changed" but verbally that is the only way to really capture this year. My eyes teared up as I remembered rocking my little newborn and praying God would force me to slow down and relish these moments. Wishing I could capture time in a bottle. I think back to the first time she rolled over, sat up and ate food. The pain of going back to work still stings some times. This week was especially a painful reminder. The director stopped me on my way out one morning to "discuss transitioning Ashley to the 1 year old room" and all the changes that go along with it. She has to start wearing shoes to school, eat food on their meal plan and conform to their schedule...lunch at 11am and naps at 12pm. I suppose if it were left to me she might eat baby food and use a bottle until she was 5. *sigh* but I am a working mom and these are the rules of the game at day care. Uncomfortably pushed to the next step...in some ways thankful and in some ways resentful. 

Never has a year meant so much to me. Never have I been made to feel so much raw emotion. 

This was the year my Grandpa passed away. I was finally able to take the ashes I have (8 months later) and transfer them to their resting place in my house. My heart ached. My stomach churned. His rocking chair is carefully positioned in Ashley's play room so that I can rock her there and sit and watch her play as I imagine he would have done. He would have really adored this little girl.

We are on the tail end of our move. We have lived in the same house since moving to Florida 9 years ago so as you can imagine moving was huge ordeal. Packing up years of acquired crap and memories. We swore we would "go through everything"...sheesh, we're lucky all our stuff made it over here let alone go through it! eh' always good to have goals. This too was emotional. So many memories in that home. The most impactful, the decision to have a family. Thus moving into a bigger home as our family grows. The new house is amazing and I truly look forward to making more memories in this home.

I would call it shock and awe as I look back on these last 12 months. Amazing what I have been through as a new mom. Many of my relationships have been strengthened; bound by the roller coaster ride we call motherhood. To those amazing women, I say THANK YOU. Thank you for the advise, support, love and just being my friend. Thank you to my Mom for so many things but most of all just being the best Mom anyone could ask for. I could not do this with out you. Thank you to my husband...wouldn't be here without out *snicker, snicker* Thank you for being my partner in all this mess we call life. Thank you for holding my hand through it all.

As I get closer to the big day...26 days away...who's counting; I'm sure I will be emotional. I'm sure it will be fun. I'm sure I will have the love and support of those who know what it feels like to cross this threshold. I'm sure I will look into the eyes of my little girl and know it's been the best year of our lives.

The only constant in life is change

It's 9:05pm and I am exhausted. My shoulders hurt. My eyes are weary. The tail end of another long day come to and end so quickly. Days have been going by so quickly. What I didn't mention in my last blog was we are moving. *Insert added stress here* We signed the contract today for the sale of our home. This all should be very exciting but I feel sad about it too. We are moving into a slightly larger home with all the things we have been dreaming about. The house we plan on living in "forever". I can't help but wander around our house some times since this process has started. Trying to sear every nook and cranny of this home in my brain in hopes that I never forget this stage of our life. This house holds so many memories. I moved to Florida from Michigan. I had never lived any place else. I moved away from all my family and friends. My brand new husband of two months and I decided to run like our hair was on fire out of the mid west. We wanted change. We wanted something new. As the stars aligned, we ended up in Tampa, Florida. I had never even been here! In a few short months we were married, packed up and moved to Florida. It was a whirl wind of a time. This is the first home I've ever owned. I have spent hours planning and scheming to get this house decorated just the way I want it. I learned how to paint in this house. We didn't have the money to hire someone so I did it myself. We allocated $50/month for me to "do stuff around the house". We've had some great times with family and friends. I would say we have spent more quality time with our family since moving down here. We have had some come to Jesus meetings within these walls. A lot of coming together and falling apart. So much good news and bad news has made its way around this house. We got our first puppy. Our baby came home to this house. I feel so connected to this house because we've made it our home. It's our first "home". So while a new house is exciting and fresh and new...my heart aches a little each time I realize we are really moving. We have not packed one single box. Maybe I'm procrastinating. But we are really moving. Contracts are signed, plans have been made for fences, painters and movers. I worry Ashley will not settle in well; that she will be anxious. I think the reality is...I worry I will not settle in well and I will be anxious. I am so adverse to change. I am such a creature of habit...I mean we are literally moving a mile down the street from where we currently live. Seriously. We will get settled in. We will paint and reorganize and make the new house our new home. We will make new memories. We will meet new neighbors. We are moving on to a new chapter of our lives. That is exciting. I am looking forward to "getting to know" the new house. I look forward to our family growing. I look forward to the changes this new house has on the horizon for us. God has brought us along this far. I will continue to trust in him as we make this leap of faith. I will keep updating as we make our big move...excitement and change is in the air folks!

A good old fashion melt down....

I woke up this morning to a screaming 10 month old. Lord knows how long she had been howling because someone...me...turned the volume down too low on the monitor. Yea me. By the time I got a look at my self it was apparent I was a hot mess; red puffy eyes, black makeup under my eyes and one seriously ratty pony tail. But I had broken the seal...I had a mommy melt down last night. My husband and I were sitting out back on a Friday night just talking. Some how he wound up asking me..."what makes you happy..." I stared blankly ahead and answered quietly "I don't know." Then the tears came and didn't stop. It was like someone uncorked the well. I never dreamed being a working mom would be this hard. I have managed many difficult trials in my life but none of them compare to this. It has been a slippery slope; one I can't seem to smile and laugh my way out of this time. The unrest is a bit of a three part series....

My job is to manage three offices for a fortune 500 builder's title company. I manage a staff of full time employees and temp employees. My job is like a wagon that always has a loose wheel. Just when you think its fixed; the damn wheel falls off again. I am constantly putting a band aid on something that needs healing but I cannot seem to get there. I keep thinking once this or that happens we will be a fully operating and well oiled machine. At the end of the day; I feel like a failure. The exact thing I work so hard to make sure my employees don't feel. I go in every day, keep my head above water and do just what I need to do to get through the day.

I am a wife to my husband of almost 10 years. I come home and immediately do something; drop my purse and start dinner, make bottles, change diapers etc. For months I have not had a dinner "plan". We scrounge around for whatever...ends up being left overs I froze or cereal. I feel like a failure. Most of the time I don't even think to kiss my husband; I just start in on the things I need to do to get through the night. 

I am a mother to a 10 month old beautiful daughter. When I get home from work she lights up and rushes over to me with her little baby crawl. I scoop her up and try and give her everything I've got. I eat dinner in 10 minutes so that I can tend to her. I get her fed. I sit on the floor and play with her. I feel like a failure because I am too tired to read to her, practice counting or colors. I do just what I need to do to make sure she knows I am paying attention and that I love her. 

I am a woman. When I wake up in the morning I do just what I need to get through the day. When (ha ha...if) I go to the mall I feel awkward. I am not familiar with the new fashions. I have not flipped through a magazine in months. I no longer buy designer make up because it costs to much. I refuse to buy new clothes because I don't want to admit my size. I just know I will lose the weight I want to in order to fit into my pre-baby clothes. I spend my weekends running errands, taking care of my kid, hiding the guilt I feel because these are the only two days a week I get the privilege of seeing her all day, laundry, cleaning and if I am lucky, a play date to breakfast or Target with one my Mommy friends. I feel like a failure because I swore this week would be different and I would do something out of routine, I would do something for just me. Instead, I fall into bed and do it all again the next day.

I'm not writing this to sing the "my life is so difficult" blues. I am blessed beyond words. I'm writing this because I finally said all these things out loud. My fears and failures were out on the table and I didn't have to hide them anymore. I am writing this because I know as a woman, wife, mother and employee; I AM NOT ALONE. I know there are others of you out there that feel these same feelings. I know in my mind I am not a failure at all these important jobs; but I am struggling telling my heart. I want to give all things 100% and I can't. I am the one left holding the bag. I am the one at the end of the list. I keep thinking; I keep praying that after this or that something will change. I can't wait until the next "thing". "Start small" my friend told me "you don't have to make these drastic changes; just something to change up your routine".  She was right. That was how this all happened to begin with...my husband and I never sit out back and talk but we changed things up and this is what came of it; a release, a start of something new. I have his support and his love. I have some great suggestions. I should have told him a long time ago but I thought I could just manage it. Sometimes we need the support of a spouse, friend or a loved one to be that crutch during our weak times. I am so thankful we "started small"....a solution? I don't have one yet. Just saying these things out loud was a good first step. I'm not sure what my next "small step" will be; but I am certain it will make a difference.

Vacation. Yeah, that's right!

Well it's official; our 1st vacation...alone...is in the books. Care of my company, we were sent on a 5 day 4 night cruise out of Port Canaveral. If it was not a mandatory vaca we probably would not have gone; but we packed our bags and forced some thick skin and headed out. The mini was being watched by a harem of family...my Mom, Grandma and Aunt all drove down from MI to help us out. Well...and let's be honest, a sweet Florida vacation! As expected I cried all the way out of the neighborhood...then something strange happened; I GOT EXCITED! We had not been on a vacation since well before Ash was born. Pre pregnancy we were travelers for business and pleasure. It felt great to pack our bags and have something to look forward too. Admittedly I felt awkward. Since Ash was born, I am a party of two. The attention she commands everywhere she goes, the amount of effort needed just to get out the door, having her on my hip, the conversation piece she has become...I was alone for the 1st time in 8  months. I was just a girl; a wife. When people saw me they had no idea I had a baby; I was just Allison. I didn't have to talk about her or babies. Again, awkward. Without realizing, she has become all consuming. No kidding right?! It was nice to ease back into just being me. No bottles to wash, no diaper bag to pack for day care, no fussing, no "NO don't put that in your mouth!"...but no snuggling, no giggles, no sweet smiles. My husband and I talked about many things. We did not talk about Ash....well not really. It was a relief with out a cell phone, computer, or I-something. It was a relief to just be a wife and friend to my husband. It was nice to laugh with him and be adults. We had a great time with my co-workers. I could feel the tension melt in my shoulders. Being that Ash was with three adult women I did not find my self nervous about her well being just missed little ole her. By the last day of the trip, we were ready to swim to shore and run to her. While it was nice to escape the monotony I found myself getting itchy for the routine. I found myself wanting aching for my baby and the cozy feeling of my family of three. I can only imagine how "some day" it will feel to not come home to her. When she moves away and we don't know where she is all day. What I've learned on a VERY limited scale, God will prepare me for each of her next steps. I've thought many times, "what happens when...?" or "what will we do when she..?' and each time she is ready and so are we. That said, I now understand the ache my own Mom must feel living in Michigan and me 1800 miles away in Florida. As a daughter it's hard to live so far away from my Mom but AS the Mom...#&$*#*%(*@)!!!! But, we made it through and it was fun. We are already plotting our next adult adventure. I am excited for the possibility to enter the world of being just a girl again; with the comfort of knowing I will return to my sweet little angel and be better for it. Thank you to my family for letting us spread our wings. Thank you to my husband. We both did it. We both made the effort to reconnect. I am glad to be home. I am glad to be a Mommy....and I am really glad she is sleeping right now so I can write this!!!! 

Love at it finest...sick wife, sick baby!

OMG. That is really the only thing I can say. I have just experienced my first go around with both Ashley and I being sick..at.the.same.time. She started it; germ carrier! I took her to the doctors on Saturday (God bless my doc having Saturday hours!) he diagnosed her with the "common cold". No antibiotics. By Sunday night I could feel it coming, the nasty wave of SICK. My husband was already slated to stay home Monday to give the mini one more day home. I woke up Monday like I had been hit by a mack truck. Not to mention the puking in the middle of the night. I called the doctor first thing and wouldn't you know...2:15pm was the earliest appointment. Excellent. I just laid in bed and cried. I could hear Ashley coughing in the other room and really, I could not go to her. I felt awful. I drifted in and out of sleep until my doctors appointment. All the while my amazing husband was tending, ever so gently, to our sick little one. I could hear him playing with her, talking to her and comforting her.  When I finally peeled myself out of bed, got dressed in my loveliest attire...wrinkled sweats and a t-shirt from the floor...brushed my teeth (ack!) and headed out; my car wouldn't start!!!!! really?! I ran back in grabbed my husbands keys and off I ran in his car. All I could think of is ****...he is supposed to go out of town tomorrow, I'm sick, baby's sick, my car is dead...insert more tears here. After a 2 hour ordeal at the doc's got home and off he went to get the car fixed. Crisis averted, dead battery. He kept me updated on his timing knowing I was laying on the floor like a lump watching Ashley just enough so she didn't get hurt. I needed to go back to sllllleeeeepppp. Arg. 4am rolled around and Ash was up with a coughing fit. Dad to the rescue!!! He jumped out of bed and took care of her. He had to be up at 5am so getting up even that one hour earlier SUCKS!!!!  That let me get more, much needed, sleep. I knew I would be on my own today; but thanks to modern medicine I am on the mend. Not great but I'm going to live.
Rewind to a few weeks ago when both my husband and I were both sick (thank you again to our germ incubating child)...that could possibly be hell on earth. Let's just say my husband and I didn't do so well working out who was pulling what duty.
This time was different. My husband did what every wife hopes and prays her husband does in a situation like this...acted like a wife! LOL! Ashley was fed, changed, bathed, and happy, dishes were done, house was clean, dog taken out, cat box cleaned, etc... It was amazing. I could just be sick and rest. I am so very thankful.
Sometimes in our marriage I don't always feel like our responsibilities are divided up equally. Being a full time working mom, every second of my day is accounted for. I saw a hilarious Swiffer commercial about how Swiffer makes cleaning faster and after cleaning the mom picks up a book dusts it off and says "I'm going to read one of this!!!" I laugh every time I see it because, THAT'S ME! Reading...last.on.the.list. Just like everything else that has to do with ME.

We've been married almost 10 years. What I know about marriage is that it is easy to let the little things slide even when they mean so much. Some times the tenderness and patience wanes. Sometimes you feel like roommates. Marriage take work; effort. I am certain I will continue to feel there are days we pull different shares of the household and baby duties. I will continue to feel the strain of working, taking care of my child, the house and my husband. I will always pray for more time. But what I am most certain of is that my husband will be there to pick up that last dish, scoop the cat box just one more time, and rock our sniffly, coughing baby to sleep at 4am and to love and care for me when I need it most. Thank you for being an amazing father and husband. Thank you for being everything I ever hoped for. Thank you for loving me even when it's hard. I love you.

Confessions of a bully...and the bullied

In elementary school I was the catalyst for my group of friends to turn on one of the group. This girl spent one whole summer with out friends. Her mom must have hated me. At the time I remember my Mom asking me what happened and if I had done anything to cause this. I was indignant and blew her off the only way a 5th grader knows how. I remember thinking, she was right, but I didn't know how to unwind what I had done. At the end of the summer one girl decided to re-friend this girl and all of us followed suit.

In junior high, I got mine. My group of friends; my BFF's decided they didn't like me anymore. It was explained to me "you've changed". I wasn't invited anywhere any more. I was devastated. My life was O-V-E-R. 

Recently, my niece experienced her first go around with "mean girls"...she was un-friended on Face Book by one of her BFF's. She was a wreck. Hearing this made me want to kick this little bitches ass. I've been there, I could feel the sting of the rejection as if it had just happened to me. 

At the risk of sounding like my mother or grandmother, things just aren't the same for tweens and teens as they were when I was that age. Information is always moving, so for us, when we went home from school the only communication was the land line phone that your mom picked up and said hello 16 times. Now, with FB, Twitter, internet, texting, cell phones, etc...it seems like the bullying can go on 24/7. Lovely.

I hope the girl that I bullied reads this and knows I have felt the sting of guilt each and every time I hear her name, think of elementary school, hear of mean girls, and think of the same thing happening to my daughter. I hope she knows how sorry I am. I can only imagine the anguish her mom must have gone through watching her little girl alone all summer long. Stab.to.the.heart. 

Becoming an adult heals a lot of those childhood hurts. I grew up, matured, gained confidence, found my strength in God and make an effort to be a NICE person. I hope that through my experience as a bully and as the bullied I can better teach my daughter to not be the "mean girl". I hope that I am never that mom that says "oh, Ashley would never do that..." OF COURSE SHE WOULD...she has a little kid brain. I recently read an article in Parents magazine (I attached the link below) that gave me hope that if when my kid is bullied there is a reasonable parent on the other end that will partner with me to make our kids better people. Nicer people. 

http://www.parents.com/kids/problems/bullying/mean-kids/

Life is like a trip to NYC

Life is like a trip to New York City; there is not enough time nor money to do everything you want to do. I discovered this as my husband and I began to plan a trip...Initially, I said "we are going for at least a week". We are going to dig into the city; go and do everything and anything we want. Fast forward to today, post tax filing and realizing hotel rooms are $800 a night...we are staying three nights, four days. ****. Well, in that case we revamp the plan and squeeze in just the necessities; statue of liberty, Ellis Island, 9/11 Memorial, Top of the Rock, Broadway, and then don't forget Central Park, a NYC bagel shop, food from a street vendor, I've got to see where GMA is filmed, FAO Schwartz, a cupcake shop I saw on Food Network, a late night comedian show....Ok, so, as you can see, we just cannot sleep. We'll have to power through to check all these things off our list. Impossible if we really want to enjoy savor each activity AND our time together.
This is the same way my life works. Only I'm not sure the end date of this vacation. We never have enough time or money to do all the things we want. Don't get me wrong, I have checked some amazing things off the bucket list (note to self: add watch the movie "The Bucket List" to my bucket list...) but yet the list is ever growing. I always feel like I have plenty of time and when I make more money, when Ashley is older, when this or that happens I'll do that next "thing".
I woke up late this morning, muttered a profane word to the alarm clock and my husband for not "waking me up" despite the TV blaring, bathroom light on, and my alarm clock going off...naturally it is his fault I overslept. I rolled over and stared at the ceiling..."Ashley will be 6 months old in T-minus 6 days and counting". WWWWHHHHAAATTTT?! That thought hit me like a ton of bricks....I have a 6 month old kid. Holy shit. Where the "F" did the last 6 months go?! Well, I'll tell you...giving birth, feeding, up all night, making bottles, crying fits, death of my GP, back to work, daycare, family visits....and here we are days before my B-A-B-Y is 6 months old. The mystery of it all is where did the time go? Will I wake up tomorrow and she's 6, then 16 then, then, then?! And in the midst of all of this, who am I? what am I doing? what are my husband and I doing?
I have to stop. I have to breath. If I am not careful, I'm going to wake up and be 60 and still have the same Bucket List as I have today. I have to slow it down but I have to get things done. What are my goals? What are MY DREAMS? I get anxious thinking about this because I'm not sure I have any. I feel stagnant and I hate that. In the same breath, I am content. I love my life. But I must have dreams...goals....wants...right? So much of my existence of recent has been about getting pregnant, staying pregnant, birth, and thus raising this little person. I've definitely got hopes and dreams FOR HER but how will she ever have hopes and dreams for herself if she doesn't see me actively pursuing what makes me happy? WHAM &#&*#*(#* hello gut check, nice to see you...I'm in the place I always hoped I would be; married, house, car, job & insert baby and la de da...the perfect existence.  Annnnnd yet, there is still this stirring in my soul. I need goals and dreams that are M-I-N-E. *heavy sigh*
Note to self: Add make list of goals and dreams to "to do" list right in between grocery shopping and cleaning the house.
That's how the goals and dreams disappear.
I'm going to change that this year. My only New Year's resolution was to floss daily. Pretty awesome right? *insert eye roll here* So far, I'm batting about 60% success. BUT that is 60% better than last year...ah, improvement. Seriously, I've got to stop. I've got to LIVE. I've got to learn to breath. I've got to relax.
I'll put that on my list...starting tomorrow ;) for real this time. By this time next year, if I'm batting 60% that's still 60% better than last year. Ah, improvement!

My husband....the blogger?

 

One night last week I was home late after work. This meant Dad was on the hook for Ashley's 6:30pm rice cereal feeding. When I walked in, I was greeted with the hysterical sight of my husband, bedraggled looking and out of patience. Now, anyone who has ever tried to feed a baby knows it's not always easy. Being that this was his first time, she was giving him a run for his money. The excerpt below is what he e-mailed the next day to family and friends....Enjoy :)

"So we started with Rice cereal over the holidays…. Well to date I have not had to feed her because Mom just loves doing it...Well, that's what I tell myself. I learned that those funny noises and faces mom makes are rather necessary. I always thought they were just foolish. SOO here I go. I put her in the highchair that is a little big for her. She was like a bobble head on a stick. Later I learned that you shove a small blanket down there to offer additional support. Do these things come with owner’s manuals?? So I have my Spackle mixed up to a perfect temperature and consistency. I try to get her to open her mouth and let the war begin...I thought by putting a little on her lips she would taste it and be ready to “NOM NOM” the whole thing down. Well not really. Left hand swipes a gob on her chin and right hand thumb goes in for GOOD. Perplexed, I pause….( this is like mistake 12 for Dad) then her left hand goes into her hair and she starts to laugh at me. SERIOUSLY?!?!? I try to sing “Red Solo Cup” to myself to remain composed. I run for the wash cloth that I always wondered why mom had at feeding time. While there I grabbed a HAT. This way I was not stuck giving her a bath, we simply did not have time for that. So, here is a some shot of my first feeding endeavor. Thankfully, mom arrived shortly after to help clean me, Ashley, the kitchen, her toys, the floor, and her over sized highchair. I will be requesting that she not be required to work late anymore until Ashley eats chicken nuggets."

Hysterical!!...maybe a Daddy survival blog in his future. Till then, I'm stealing his material :)