To my sweet second child

To my sweet second born,
Life is different for you. You are not our "first" for many things when it comes to parenting. Your Dad and I left the hospital a day earlier than we did with your sister. We were confident and certain this time. I haven't cried during this maternity leave with the worry about day care. The first day of drop is inevitable and I guess I'll be ready. My heart will ache but I feel you and I are tougher already. You take naps with the TV blaring Mickey Mouse club and your sister screaming about something. You get rushed through your bath so I can get your sister to bed. Your feedings are hurried because something else needs to be tended to. You've been taken to Target, Publix, church and held by anyone who wants to hold you and you are only 8 weeks old. There won't be 1,000,362 pictures of just you. My sweet little second....you spend more time in the bouncy seat and the baby swing than you sister ever did. Even my time with you on maternity leave is shorter.
You and I didn't have the best start. My pregnancy was difficult. I spent two spells in the hospital due to dehydration and sickness. I took a leave of absence from work. I cried on the cold bathroom floor praying to God to make the sickness stop. I quietly cried in bed because I couldn't help with the house, dinner or spend time with your sister. When you were born it was quick and uneventful. Thank God. I sent your Dad home to be there for your sister when she woke up. You and I slept alone in the hospital.
Every thing is faster in your life. As you sit there wide eyed in your bouncy seat I am in awe of you. You take it all in stride. That's all you know I guess. You watch Ashley and smile...my heart melts. You stare up at me with all the confidence in the world...and my heart aches a little for you. You sweet, patient baby. This is your station in life, your birth order.
This quiet Sunday morning as your Dad and Ashley are off at Church...you sleep quietly in your swing content until your next feeding. I've put you on a schedule now to get you sleeping through the night. A sign the time is coming that we will be apart during our days. I've been more ambitious while we've been together; cleaning out cabinets, closets, and my head. Trying to find myself, my new self. The past months have been mentally grueling for me. I like to do everything, stay organized, be social and have been forced to put all my "self imposed musts" aside and sleep or rest or throw up. I'm not just a working wife any more, I'm not just a working mother of one who seemingly has everything balanced....I am a mom of two. Wow...that just sounds like a lot.
My little partner and my last born. You are the finale to pregnancy in my life. You will always be my baby. Ashley will rein as the only daughter and first born. But you, you complete us. As your sister has taught us so much...there is so much more to learn. I see that now.
During these last days we have together in sweatpants taking naps....I will hold you and be so thankful for everything at you are; everything you will be. Welcome to the Irwin circle; it won't always be easy but know that every step we will take will be together.
I love you sweet boy,
Your tearful Mommy

PS...for what it's worth, I am the oldest...big sisters can be a real pain. All I can say about that is good luck. You guys are stuck with each other....but I hope that's a gift your Dad and I have given to you both.

A whole lot'a shaking going on!

So, some of you that read this have been down this road before. Some of you might be considering taking the plunge. What I am referring to is a second child. We really thought we had it all figured out. We had a great first kid and thought one good turn deserves another...and so we opted to try again to get pregnant. It all worked out and after a very difficult pregnancy, our little Jake was born. NO ONE could have prepared us for this transition. I had heard it was hard but surely that was just "them". We could do it different and it wouldn't be so hard. HA. HA. HA. Although not so funny. This has been harder on so many levels...mostly humbling. Very humbling.
For starters....toddlers waiting at home for the new baby are like ticking time bombs. God should have placed a warning label on their foreheads when your bring your tiny bundle home. Our daughter, the apple of our eye, our world, our precious little pea....turned into a gremlin. No joke. A tantrum throwing, whiney, needy gremlin. Her little world was turned upside down and our parenting skills were getting a good thorough kick in the nuts. Everything we thought was right was suddenly not working and wrong. Awesome.
Secondly...sleep. I need it. Even a little bit of it. At night, when the baby cries, the toddler cries. Just when I think I will snuggle in for a little nap or a stretch of sleep...someone wakes up. WHY? WHY GOD WHY? I dream of renting a hotel room and just sleeping. My word has the bar been lowered for "dreams"!
Third...time. I have none. I mean for me that is. With one child there is a finish line. Nap time or bed time you know that time is now yours. Not any more. The other night, the baby was asleep, the toddler was off to bed...she inquired what I would be doing once she went to bed (like it's something exciting) I told her I would be showering and going to bed (lie). I stole away to my bathroom, shut the door with my phone and a piece of dark chocolate and played words with friends...GLORIOUS.
Finding a new normal:
A trip to the mall today quickly reminded me how out of mainstream I have become. After 9 months of maternity wear (which I will be burning very soon - buh bye!!!!!) and current sweatpants and t-shirt wardrobe...I have NO idea what is "in" right now. Let me just say I was very out of touch while underwear shopping today...it's been a while...and it was humbling. I am clearly getting old. Is it too much to ask for just cotton?! Enough about that... my point is, I am a new person. We are a new family and this is our new normal. The little gremlin is getting better. She's learning to share Mommy and taking turns. My husband and I are a stronger team. This is survival man and a good team mate and partner is crucial. This is a season of my life I will never forget and possibly long for when the kids are grown...ok maybe not this particular stage but you know what I mean.
It's quite hilarious how much I thought I knew vs. reality. My body is different. My mind is different (well, mostly gone). My heart is different. In the quiet moments of the late nights while I watch my precious baby, I'm amazed. With all the chaos, the pregnancy sickness, the tantrums, he is perfect. I glance around at the baby swing, the stuffed animals left after a session of "school", burp cloths and crayons and realize these moments are precious and perfect. Our little family of three has become a complete family of four and that couldn't be more precious and perfect.

My Letter Writing Campaign

I recently visited a friend whom I had not seen in a long time. With a little one and pregnant, I don't travel as much as I used to. The trip felt hurried and overly busy with all my commitments. Both the mini and I were sick and inevitably we were kind enough to share with our hosts. When it was time to leave, we were rushed by time, exhaustion and kid logistics. I spent some time on the plane thinking about all the things I didn't tell her. As mom's, we are all hurried, in "survival" mode and usually feeling a mix between exhaustion/frustration/confusion but mostly in desperate need of kind words from the heart. We would love to say our husbands fill that void all the time but the reality is when these types of words and feelings come from our girlfriends...fellow mom warriors...they can fill our souls to fight another day. 
When I got back I dutifully got my box of notecards out to pen a thank you card to my lovely hosts. I noted how great it was to see her and her family, we had a good time, etc...I also noted that I wished we had a chance at some quiet time together. Maybe then my mind would have cleared to give her the compliments I thought only in my head. This is the season of our lives. Young kids, hurried schedules, and overbooked days. Only then did it occur to me to send out a couple other quick notes. For me, there is nothing cooler than opening the mail box and finding something for me from someone I love. The general goods in the box are magazines, credit card ads and bills...bummer. However, when I run across a card, thank you note or an invite my little heart does a dance. So the same day I sent my thank you note, I sent two other cards out. I filled them with thank you's, I love you's and miss you's. It felt nice. 
In the evenings I scroll through FaceBook or Instagram and I feel "connected". Sadly, by "liking" someones status I check the box..."Oh look, I saw your cool event and was happy for you".  Ok yeah, that is NOT connecting. I wonder why at times I am left feeling empty, left out or jealous. Well it's because, I haven't actually talked to 95% of those people on the phone, met for coffee or saw in person, potentially, in years. Those social media sights leave room for judgement, the media savvy of a politician to position your life to look picture perfect and sadly the junior high feeling of "why wasn't I invited to that?!" Don't get me wrong, they do indeed keep us "connected". I wanted more. So, I've committed to a letter writing campaign. Sending out quick notes to people IN THE MAIL. Not a Face Book message or comment on a picture. 
I have cards from friends and family that go back YEARS. My aunt gave me a card probably 15 years ago; after that we were estranged for many years, but I held onto that card. Every once and a while I would run across it while cleaning and read it. It made me smile every time despite the circumstance. The written word holds weight. It can hold hope, love, or memories. 
I encourage you to try this campaign....hey, maybe we can save the USPS! I bet if you sat down you could think of someone who could use a little love in the mail today. A little surprise to make their heart dance. Maybe they will save it for years. Maybe it will be the kind words that make their day. In the end, it really makes YOUR heart do a little dance because you know in a few days they will open their mail box expecting the same old stuff and see a handwritten note from you. Yea! 

Pregnancy...round two...

We knew we wanted a second baby. After my first pregnancy I knew I was not the baby carrying kind. I was, what I considered "super" sick the first go round. I anticipated being sick again but nothing could prepare me for super storm mini that was about to ensue. It started on time at the 6 week mark. Like clock work the throwing up and nausea started. I could not keep anything down. I ended up going to the ER because I was sure I had the flu; this could not all be pregnancy related. They checked for many things...including multiples. I asked "multiple what?" was the doctor serious?!....ultimately there was only one baby taking up residence in my belly. Two days later I was readmitted to the hospital under my OB's care. That when I started hearing the term Hyperemisis. In layman's terms, you throw up a lot. And that I was. I felt like I'd been hit with a mack truck and then backed over with the same truck. Never, never would or could have imagined I would feel so awful. My sweet little mini would stand by my side while I hugged the toilet with her hand on my shoulder sucking her thumb. I would beg her between hurls to go play. But she just stayed on. Then tell me "mama gross". Yes, my sweet child, it is gross.
Fast forward to today, week 16. I've made great progress. I can eat and drink some. Weird craving of the day...Grapefruit juice. I stopped at two places this morning to get my hands on this liquid gold. Who knows what tomorrow brings. My belly is growing much faster than #1. That has left its own marks of cynicism; my maternity clothes didn't really start until later so I'm desperately digging around my closet for the "largest" fat clothes I have to accommodate my ever growing belly.
What am I getting at here? pregnancy is not fun. I know for some women it's a ball of sunshine and happiness. For me, it's 10 months of throwing up, nausea, clothes that don't fit right, too many bathroom breaks to count, narcoleptic exhaustion and no glass of wine to take the edge off. I have felt lonely and miserable. Laying on the cold bathroom floor praying to God to make it stop. Alone in a hospital room looking at the IV (and the two other bandaids where the veins collapsed) and cried. Felt the sting of guilt when Daddy takes the mini to do something "so cool" and I can't go. My friends call; I don't want to talk. I am invited but don't want to go. Some understand. Mostly, it's just me putting the guilt and frustration on myself. A lesson I'm learning.
But....it's worth it. In the small moments I am finding the greatest strength. When the mini and I talk about "the baby" and she looks up at me with her big blue eyes and boundless red hair and yells "mama's silly!" The quiet moments when I tuck her into bed and we sing...or she yells the song "Jesus loves me" and I laugh. She quietly says "love you" as I walk out her door. My sweet, smart, sassy little girl. You are the reason I do this again. You are the reason your Daddy holds me when I sob because I can't do the dishes or wash the floors. He quietly tells me "I can't carry a baby but I can do these things". You are the reason we are fighting through this. We laugh when you are naughty and say "and we wanted two?!" Both knowing we would want 100 of you.

Yellow Shirt Day

Today was yellow shirt day at the mini's school. She wore a pink shirt today. I somehow missed that today the kids were supposed to wear yellow. Moments like these make me feel like having a mini melt down. My kid is two...I don't think she really knows or cares she is wearing pink and all the other kids are in yellow but I know and I care. Why? because I missed something for my kid. I failed.

My aunt who I have not seen in 10+ years recently came for a visit. This is a LONG dramatic story that I will not go into...but to say that her coming back into my life is a miracle is putting it lightly. As families go, mine had a melt down..not a mini...but a Chernobyl type melt down years ago. The hope of finding anybody alive in the wreckage was slim and those you might find were badly disfigured. Yes I know...dramatic...but true. Fast forward to today and somehow by the grace of God we are all different people in different places in our lives. Her coming to visit was very anxiety filled. To do list: house must be cleaned to perfection, all to do projects done, fridge stocked, everyone in matching cardigans and big, beautiful smiles on our faces damn it! because we are a nice, normal freaking family! As I paced the airport waiting area I'm thinking...I look tired, my jeans are too long, why didn't I lose 10 lbs?...UGH. As soon as she got off the plane my anxiety faded. It was just like old times. My mom was here while she visited as well and the two of them took care of us like you wouldn't believe. Made frozen dinners for our crazy weeknight meals, fresh baked cookie bars, laundry done, house clean, etc....They were amazing.

I had prayed for years for this moment. I had ached for my family to come back together.  Maybe healing comes in cookies. Maybe healing comes in watching my aunt hold my baby girl. Maybe healing comes in little moments. I have carried this heavy cloak of hurt, bitterness and anger for all these years. It has become part of who I am. I am anxious now to let it go. God has given us mercy; let me not waste it being angry.

Many days I operate on the verge of a mini melt down. My past, my daily stress, my anxiety all push me to the edge. When I miss yellow shirt day at daycare I feel like I've failed. God works in mysterious ways they say. I disagree...his ways are not mysterious. They are perfect. They meet us where we are; when we are ready. I am ready to close that chapter of my life. I am open to healing. That way when I miss show and tell or red shirt day I won't feel like I failed but just accept that I am a busy mom/wife/employee/daughter/niece AND THAT'S OKAY.

I'll leave you with this...Laura Story's song lyrics to "Blessings"
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Transitions

In 6 days Ashley will turn two. She really doesn't know it. I think she just knows there is a lot of hustle and bustle around the house to get ready for her party. I'm frantic trying to get last minute details ready, last minute Etsy orders in, goody bags made and food ordered. My back aches as I rewrap water bottles with duct tape to match the theme of her party and painstakingly make each thank you note I will write afterwards. I'm in a panic because I will be out of town for three days before her party. My life is busy. The constant struggle and balance of work, family, fitting in dates with my husband, dates with my friends, play dates, grocery store trips...seriously, who needs sleep!? Sometimes I find myself thinking about how chaotic my life is. How "someday" things will slow down; secretly wishing for quiet. 

My mom is visiting her sister and her family this week. This is monumental as we all have not seen each other in several years. Ash and I have been skype'ing with them. To see their faces; hear their voices brings back a flood of good memories. The kind that warm your soul and make you smile. My aunt's son, my sweet little cousin, leaves for college in two weeks. I think about the kind of quiet his absence will bring to their house and lives. How over the last 18 years he has filled a spot in their home and hearts. I think of how chaotic life has been for them these last 18 years. How as a woman she has balanced being a stay at home mom, a working mom, two kids, family, a household and last but not least herself. 

I chatted away with my aunt about Ashley's party, showed them the goody bags and rambled about all my plans. In the quiet, still of the night; I cried. I thought about her heart. How it must be breaking to send her baby; her first born off to college. I thought about my own Mom. How her heart must have broken as I left for college and then moved 1800 miles away. I remember saying "Oh Mom, its just a plane ride away". 

You really don't know squat until you are a parent. How it feels to cut grapes in half, be puked on, 1st days of school, bullies, drama, proms, college, weddings....and saying good bye as they fly out of the nest you have so carefully built for them. Painstakingly sacrificed for them. Wore your heart on your sleeve for them. They go. I wondered if she wished for her baby to be two again and plan his birthday party. I wonder if she will tell me someday how "fast" it all goes by. I closed my eyes in the quiet of the night; the peace knowing Ashley is right down the hall, and I cried. 

Time really does go by so fast. Too fast. Life is busy and chaotic. For now, I'm going to enjoy the noise and the busy, because I know all too soon I will have quiet. I will long for these days of being a young mom back. I will wish for these precious moments when my beautiful little girl tells me "Oh Mom, it's only a plane ride away". 

Home Sick...or Home Sick

Home sick can mean one of two things. One, you are actually at your house sick or two, you are missing your "home". In any event, I have been both in the last two weeks. 

The mini and I took at trip back to my home town of Trenton, Michigan. It was truly exhausting. It was a soul filling seven days that I so desperately needed. We saw family and friends, did all kinds of cool adventures but the best part was I got to spend one solid week with my daughter. I work full time and so my time with Ashley is limited. Any extra time with her is such a blessing. It's been hard to "break-up" with her since being home but we've managed. 

I've been home for a week and Sunday I knew I was getting sick. Monday I woke up and felt like a mack truck had run over me in my bed while I simultaneously swallowed barbed wire. AWFUL. I got the mini up and to day care, on this day a huge blessing, and headed to the doc. Only to joyously find out I had strep throat...what adult gets strep throat!? I only remember having this as a kid. Ugh! I got my antibiotics and headed home. As I drifted off to sleep I was thinking about dropping my kiddo off at daycare that morning; I actually shed tears because she wouldn't get in her car seat. I felt so awful that I cried like a baby and begged her to please just do as I asked. That night, I laid on the couch half asleep. I didn't give her a bath, read to her or tuck her in. Luckily, her Daddy took over these duties. This experience made me think of all the healthy days I have that I take for granted. For just a minute, I thought about what it would be like to be a parent with cancer or Parkinson's or MS. To have to sit on the side lines and watch your child. To not feel up to or being able to participate in their day to day lives. There would be no trips to Michigan under those circumstances, no Busch Gardens, no swimming in the pool, none of that would happen. I don't get sick too often, but this time, it made me think....Take advantage of being healthy. Take advantage of all the things you are lucky enough to do everyday. Try not to judge yourself so harshly for working full time or folding laundry as Ashley reads a book. I always thought "old people" like my Grandparents said things like "your lucky to have your health". Honestly, they're right. 

Thank your lucky stars today if you are healthy. Pray for those who aren't. Take advantage of every opportunity and take care of yourself. You owe it to yourself and those amazing kids you're raising!