Besties

Me & "the golds" on girls weekend

My STL Bestie! MISS YOU!

 A true "silver"

I had coffee at my house with a BFF of mine today. I have done this often with some of my best mommy friends while on maternity leave.  It has been amazing to connect with these women. We talked about several things over coffee. Had some giggles and some conversations from the heart. After she hurried out, late to pick up her darling son, I was left to digest our conversation. It got me thinking of all the girls in my life. My BFF's. The girls I turn to when all else has failed or I need to hear someone tell me what I already know in my heart but can't accept. I love that I can say girls (note the plural) and not the girl. That tells me I have cultivated some very special friends over my life time. These girls are PRICELESS. They don't care how much money I make, what kind of car I drive or if I am donning the latest fashion. They do however know the whispers of my heart, my past and hopeful future.

Sing along with me girls..."make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold" yes folks a little jingle from girl scouts. It did not make much sense to me then since the "oldest" friend I had was from preschool and the worst thing that happened in our lives was not getting the Barbie we wanted for Christmas. Please note this same friend got gloves, underwear and bathrobes for Christmas year after year...it was truly the worst! As I think back on this song now, it makes an entirely new kind of sense. I am still friends with the little girl I met in preschool with the same name; along with a few others from high school. They are the "gold" they are the girls who know my movements, my smell, my past and who I was before I was anyone. They might not know what I did for lunch today or what my week looks like. But you can be sure they know my Grandpa is dying and my kid goes to her first day of day care next Tuesday.  They know and will feel my heart break that day. They were the ones who sent Sheri's Berries with an I love you card after I miscarried my first pregnancy. Their hearts cried too.

But then there are the "silvers" the spunky, crazy, fun, loving darlings I have picked up along the road of life since leaving that comfy home town. It's taken some time to find these "silvers". I do not open my heart to just anyone. They didn't know me. They didn't know my favorite color or my favorite Starbucks blend...but they dug. Theses girls have dug into my heart and soul to the meat and potatoes of my being. I can spot one a mile away. I know the girls I love to be friends with. It's almost like dating, see them across the room, try and strike up a conversation and then BAM!! set a "girl date". Weird, but this is what you do when you move away from home. I don't have the luxury of having the SAME group of friends I had in high school. Although that "luxury" does not open the door for new beginnings. The "silvers" I have met along the way have pushed me to open my heart and try new things. Shown me different ways of living this life. They are geniuses; filled with creativity and love.

As I sit here today and reflect upon each and everyone of these besties in my life. I smile. I tear up because I miss the far away ones so much. I look forward to my next lunch/coffee date. I giggle as I "remember that time when we...". I try to cut off the ankle bracelet the police have given me after a night out on the town with one of them...KIDDING!...seriously JUST kidding! The honest truth is we girls cannot get by with out a little help from our friends. They are the life blood that we rely on for that deep seeded desire for connection and comfort. They are the ones who bring you food and diapers when your new baby arrives, send you Sherri's berries when your heart is broken, send you that text to say "I'm thinking about you today...hope you have a great day!". I love these women. These "golds" and "silvers" God has put in my life. I am SO lucky. I hope that when my besties sit back and think of me, they feel the glow in their soul I feel for them. Thank you for being my "golds" and "silvers". Thank you for loving me, sticking with me over the years, taking a chance on being my friend, listening, crying, laughing, but mostly just being you with me.

Death be not proud

GP in Perdido Key, FL

Enjoying wine we brought back from Italy

D-E-A-T-H. It is such a sobering word. One that echos pain, emptiness and hopelessness. This word pulls at your heart strings and makes your soul feel pale. When you hear this word, you secretly thank God its not you or your family. Death is making a cameo appearance in my life right now. It is lingering and haunting my family. My Grandpa has cancer. He had prostate cancer twice before, but now he is 80+ years old and his body is not working like it used to. This time it's Leukemia. He has exhausted all his medical options. Currently he is enrolled in a pilot program of which he has only been able to receive one treatment. His doctors love him. The nurses this he is cute and funny...He is. 

He is at a stage now where he cannot do much for himself. I can only imagine the mental anguish this brings to a man, a Marine and middle school principal. A man who's mere presence commands attention. His booming voice lingering in the room at Christmas for everyone to hear. A man who makes a mean Italian salad and loves his Chianti. A gentleman who loves his family fiercely and believes in the power and strength of the institution of a family. This man who can no longer feed himself. He sits in chair day in and day out in the hospital just breathing. I hear he occasionally mentions the Lion's game or comments on the score of the Green Bay game. He cannot hold a conversation. No one really knows what he can hear so they don't say much. This man is 1800 miles away from me. I cannot see the graveness of this situation.  I only hear it in the voices over the telephone. I am certain he would not want me there to watch this slow demise. He is too proud. 

My heart hurts for him. He is and has been on many accounts one of my very best friends. He has told me on many occasions he has lived a good life, he has no regrets.  I want to run to him. These are the times that the distance from family is extremely regrettable.  I want to scream out to God to fix him; to make it better. God has already given me everything I need from him. You see, God gave me my Grandpa when I needed a Dad, a friend, a confidant, a teacher and a leader. God gave my Grandpa words to heal my heart, mend the scars and empower me to go on. I will desperately miss my Grandpa but I know it is time to stop asking God for more. God has answered each and every time I asked and even when I didn't know what to ask for.  The lessons I have learned from him are many but the greatest of these is love. Honest, unconditional love. I will carry that with me always. Thank you Grandpa for everything. Thank you God for my Grandpa.

The great divide

I can seen now how easy it is for husbands and wives to lose each other once they have children. Ashley is only 11 weeks old and I can feel the "great divide".  Before she was born (she is our first) we talked a lot about how it was going to be, how we were going to be stronger, better, "different" than other parents. We heard the warnings of friends. When a baby comes; everything changes. Women and men have no way of knowing how this little teensy being will change their hearts and souls.

At the beginning, our lives were merely survival. Keeping Ashley alive, eating, maybe sleeping, and marveling at this little life. We were fortunate enough to have my mom help us out for a couple of weeks to get us on our feet. Once she left, I immediately felt the gravity of being "alone".  My husband was at work all day and I was "alone". Ashley was still so small I could not leave the house. Best I could do for my own sanity was take her for walks in the neighborhood. There is something no one tells you about motherhood....you feel alone a lot. Even when you are physically not alone. I quickly found, since I was not working, Ashley became my "job". Understandably so. AND I LOVE IT! I love everything about her and being with her. But there is also some unfamiliar territory....

When my husband gets home from work he is tired and wants to relax...this is the first time I am seeing another human being ALL day. I want to talk and tell him all about her last poop!! Understandably he gets that glazed over look and I am deflated. I retreat. He is listening, but he's not.  The best I have to contribute to our conversation is about Ashley, our friends babies, what I read online today about babies, and the neighborhood gossip...most likely about their babies.  This all leaves me feeling a little lost. I was out in the "real world" but now I live in this bubble. I love it here but I am in here alone...well with my mommy friends too. I miss my husband. He has a life outside the bubble. He goes to work, goes out to lunch, gets his hair cut, plays golf, has business dinners, travels for work etc... In my frustration I wonder why he doesn't want to live in the bubble too. I get angry. I can't do it all! I tell myself...some of this is self inflicted because I like to be in charge of Ashley. But I still get angry that I can't just go get my hair cut. It's a big ordeal planning around when my husband will be home and available. I make sure Ashley is fed and hopefully sleeping to ensure his time alone with her is not too difficult. I try and shield him from the "hard" times so that he doesn't get frustrated or disinterested.

I don't give my husband enough credit. He can and he is willing to do more. In an effort to "protect" him I also alienate him. Sometimes I don't give him a shot to be successful. I just do everything and become more and more resentful. That's not fair. As a wife I am part of a team. A team that has chosen this life....that includes this little bebe we are responsible for. Our responsibilities for her will not always be 50/50. I get that. I just don't want to feel alone. I don't want to cry out of frustration. I'm not sure what the answer is for us. I'm sure its different for everyone. Date nights, bible studies, couples vacations, etc... I know this is just a phase of MANY we will go through with a family. I know I need to do a better job at communicating my needs, giving up some of the control to allow my husband to have experiences with Ashley and I know I need to find "me" again. I am a different woman today than I was before she was born. I am a different wife. This new me is uncomfortable...like the pre-preggo jeans I still cannot fit into. *big sigh* I can do it. For our kids sake, we can fight for our own identity women. We can fight for our marriages to be strong, solid foundations as an example for our children and grandchildren. My daughter deserves at least that. Does yours?

Mommy must have websites!

Hi Friends!

Here are a list of websites I have found fun and helpful...please comment if you have any additional to share! Enjoy!

www.publix.com

- they have a great baby club. When you sign up you get a wonderful resource book along with pages of coupons..that are actually useful!

www.zulily.com

- Great site with unique boys and girls clothing, toys, and items for Mommy :)

www.pinterest.com

-A-mazing website loaded with anything and everything from decor ideas, recipes, party ideas, etc...you will become ADDICTED! I've been stalking the Christmas picture ideas...so ridiculously fantastic!

www.myperfectsale.com

- super cool site that you can customize for your favorite brands and you are alerted when they are on mega sale

www.kidecals.com

- custom decals for your kids (or your own!) stuff...I am using these for Ashley's bottles and formula containers at daycare. They can withstand the dishwasher. Very cute!

....oye! crying baby...gotta run. Will post more as I find them. I look forward to hearing back on what websites you "must have" in your life!

A step back into my "old" life...

Last night we went to bible study...something we did BA (Before Ashley). A very different experience than I remember. We brought the little A with us who slept through about 30-40 minutes. Let me preface this with this bible study is with a new group. And let me just add, for the first time in my life I felt socially inept. My mind was 100% on my little one sleeping in the other room. I guess I am also feeling out of practice with "making conversation". Ashley doesn't really talk back....yet ;) Anyhow, once she started fussing I bounced her around a bit behind the scenes and then attempted to feed her. Note the word "attempt". My diaper bag could sustain life for a family of 4 through a hurricane....but I had only packed 2 - 4oz travel bottles. 4oz per feeding that's what she eats. As I am sitting alone in the other room, listening to the bible study progress, I start feeding my screaming little one. Frazzled myself, I screw the cap on and begin to feed her. One suck on the nipple and the entire 2oz bottle gushes all over Ashley and I....seriously?! ****!!!! I had put her in a super cute outfit to go too!!! Luckily she did not cry any harder. I scooped her up and cleaned her up, changed her clothes and proceeded to feed her the other 2oz soaking wet with formula and stinky. 

Alone in the other room. I am not good at this yet. I am not used to this life yet. My eyes lined with tears glance down on Ashley and I smile. She is perfect. She doesn't know I stink or that I feel like running for the hills. She doesn't know I feel inept tonight. She just knows I have met her needs and hopefully in that little mind that I love her more than she will ever know. John patiently gets up after all this fun is over and exits graciously from bible study. He, who has been in main stream society, kindly asks me if I need anything and makes small talk with me in the car. He loves us, stinky and all. Bless his heart.

I am a Mom.

I don't remember when I washed my hair last. I had coffee and a rice krispy treat for breakfast. To save money, I am creating a photo studio in my house to take Ashley's Christmas pictures. I think most of what is on TV should not be watched by kids. I pray each night for God to watch over my family. I have a will. I think about life insurance.
I am a Mom.
I dragged my husband, baby and Mom to a farm 40 minutes away for my 2 month old to have the pumpkin patch "experience" (or for really cute pictures). I cry in the shower, alone, because of all my fears. I don't like the mattress at day care because it's not comfortable enough for my child.
I am a Mom.
I don't worry about my next new purse. I don't think about my next new outfit. I want to be a hip, cute mom, but I want my kid to be hipper and cuter. I want my kid to go to college, get a good job, have babies and be happy. I worry about my daughter getting hurt, attacked, molested, mistreated, misunderstood, ridiculed, not liked. I want the world to love her as much as her Daddy and I do.
I am a Mom.
She is perfect. She is special. She is amazing. She is a miracle. She is a blessing. She is smart. She is talented (well, I am sure she will be).
I am a Mom.
She is stressful. She is fussy. She does not sleep through the night. She does not always cooperate. She will fail at some things. She needs us to support her. She needs us to tell her she is good enough. She needs us to protect her. She will not agree with us. She will not like us. We love her madly, fiercely, passionately, unreasonably.
I am a Mom.
My baby has an amazing Dad.
We are parents....and the journey has just begun.