The great divide

I can seen now how easy it is for husbands and wives to lose each other once they have children. Ashley is only 11 weeks old and I can feel the "great divide".  Before she was born (she is our first) we talked a lot about how it was going to be, how we were going to be stronger, better, "different" than other parents. We heard the warnings of friends. When a baby comes; everything changes. Women and men have no way of knowing how this little teensy being will change their hearts and souls.

At the beginning, our lives were merely survival. Keeping Ashley alive, eating, maybe sleeping, and marveling at this little life. We were fortunate enough to have my mom help us out for a couple of weeks to get us on our feet. Once she left, I immediately felt the gravity of being "alone".  My husband was at work all day and I was "alone". Ashley was still so small I could not leave the house. Best I could do for my own sanity was take her for walks in the neighborhood. There is something no one tells you about motherhood....you feel alone a lot. Even when you are physically not alone. I quickly found, since I was not working, Ashley became my "job". Understandably so. AND I LOVE IT! I love everything about her and being with her. But there is also some unfamiliar territory....

When my husband gets home from work he is tired and wants to relax...this is the first time I am seeing another human being ALL day. I want to talk and tell him all about her last poop!! Understandably he gets that glazed over look and I am deflated. I retreat. He is listening, but he's not.  The best I have to contribute to our conversation is about Ashley, our friends babies, what I read online today about babies, and the neighborhood gossip...most likely about their babies.  This all leaves me feeling a little lost. I was out in the "real world" but now I live in this bubble. I love it here but I am in here alone...well with my mommy friends too. I miss my husband. He has a life outside the bubble. He goes to work, goes out to lunch, gets his hair cut, plays golf, has business dinners, travels for work etc... In my frustration I wonder why he doesn't want to live in the bubble too. I get angry. I can't do it all! I tell myself...some of this is self inflicted because I like to be in charge of Ashley. But I still get angry that I can't just go get my hair cut. It's a big ordeal planning around when my husband will be home and available. I make sure Ashley is fed and hopefully sleeping to ensure his time alone with her is not too difficult. I try and shield him from the "hard" times so that he doesn't get frustrated or disinterested.

I don't give my husband enough credit. He can and he is willing to do more. In an effort to "protect" him I also alienate him. Sometimes I don't give him a shot to be successful. I just do everything and become more and more resentful. That's not fair. As a wife I am part of a team. A team that has chosen this life....that includes this little bebe we are responsible for. Our responsibilities for her will not always be 50/50. I get that. I just don't want to feel alone. I don't want to cry out of frustration. I'm not sure what the answer is for us. I'm sure its different for everyone. Date nights, bible studies, couples vacations, etc... I know this is just a phase of MANY we will go through with a family. I know I need to do a better job at communicating my needs, giving up some of the control to allow my husband to have experiences with Ashley and I know I need to find "me" again. I am a different woman today than I was before she was born. I am a different wife. This new me is uncomfortable...like the pre-preggo jeans I still cannot fit into. *big sigh* I can do it. For our kids sake, we can fight for our own identity women. We can fight for our marriages to be strong, solid foundations as an example for our children and grandchildren. My daughter deserves at least that. Does yours?