Dirty Feet and a Peaceful Heart

I'm getting ready to take a quick trip to see a cousin I have not seen in about 15 years. He was 6ish and I was 20ish the last time we saw each other. A lot has changed since then....he's now 20 and well, I guess that makes me 35.  While telling my aunt a story about my work tonight she mentioned that would be a great story to tell this young cousin of mine and his darling girlfriend. Twenty somethings, dreamy and starry eyed about their future. They will graduate from a top notch university and be kicked out into the world all too fast. I spent sometime tonight thinking about what I should tell them, what do they want to know, will they even care? am I "too old" to offer advice? 

I was quickly jolted out of my dreamy "what would I tell the 20 year old me" as I pulled into daycare number one and rushed into get the mini mister. Ten minutes before daycare number two closes so we had to hustle. Jake is thrilled to see me and runs to me smiling ready to go. His hands are blue and he has blue paint on his face...no doubt a sign of a well lived day at school. We scurry out...he wants to walk...we have to hurry....no time for his pace today. After we alligator wrestle into his car seat we fly to Ashley's school just in the nick of time before she the last kid standing at 6:00pm when school closes. We sing songs the whole way home to keep Jake from crying. ABC's, Twinkle, Twinkle, Jingle Bells, Frosty, etc.... It's dark out tonight; a product of day light savings. Makes me feel like we are getting home at 9pm. I am single-momming it again tonight. I've put in a full day at work. I manage an office of 12 women. My day consisted of meetings, a counseling session, end of month reporting, lots of laughs, and some tears. Yep. That's just the day time. Now it's just me and the mini's as my husband attends night classes to finish up an unfinished Bachelors Degree. I whip out a frozen bag meal and cringe...shake off the guilt as I look at the ticking clock. 6:15pm better hurry, they are hungry and tired. Change clothes, I think I went to the bathroom, "Jake get out of dog food bowls!" "Ashley! where are you??" Unpack a lunch box only to refill with a lunchable, fruit and milk...best I can do tonight. The phone dings - husband wants to face time on a break. As we scarf down our dinner care of birds eye frozen meals; the kids squeal as their Daddy appears. Quick; gotta run, it's time for bath. We keep moving like one swift freight train. For a few moments the kids play in the bath dumping water on their heads and giggling. Dry off, jammies on, a few books....Jake's headed to bed. *SIGH* Good night my little love. Ashley's time....We build our "thankful tree" tonight out of old shopping bags and tape it carefully to our bay window. Tonight she is thankful for her friend Emma. She carefully asks me what I am most thankful for "our whole family?" she inquires. I nod..."well then write that" she encourages in her wee little voice. We tape our first leaf up....OK kid, your turn. After a little tantrum she turns in and she is off to sleep. Ahhhhh, the house falls silent. 

All evening I think about my season of life. At every little turn tonight I smile and snicker. Smile because this is such a cool time in my life. I snicker because this is nothing like what I expected. I'm 15 years into my post - awesome - college life. I've been working a "real" job for 15 years. I'm on my third adult job. I've been married for 13 years, apartments, first home, second home, new car, used car, VAN! wait what???? when did that end up in my garage? Kids, flat shoes, grannie panties, old college pajama pants coming a part at the seams and crows feet.....that's my life today. All the things I said I would never do when I was an adult, when I was married, when I had kids, when I had my own house....OUT THE WINDOW. I read 1/2 of a book and am certain I will finish it later. I have shit stuffed in drawers I totttttally intend to clean out. My towels are all folded different ways. While cleaning the dished I could not figure out what stunk; the sponge. GROSS. Toss it back in the sink and move on. My feet are covered in God knows what from the floor....in addition to a cinderella sticker I somehow picked up. 

I never anticipated being where I am in my career. I never agreed or decided to manage people. In fact, if you asked me, I would tell you I don't like it. The truth is, I am secretly thankful for this job, this responsibility. It's a hard job, if you do it right. The tears, the tough conversations, the firings, corporate crap....but God gave me each person I manage. Every time I get a new one; I wonder if they are here for me or for them. Every time, a lesson is learned. 

I never really planned on being a mom. I had no idea what I was doing with my life. I got a job, then a better one, then a better one. In between I got married. Life was good, tough, tougher, good, BABY ONE, tough, good, BABY TWO, HOLY SHIT, good....and here we are. As I sit here with dirty feet, two sleeping babies, a dog that is probably peeing on my rug (I chose to write instead of take her out), I would simply tell them to enjoy this season of their lives. Don't rush. Don't worry.  These college days are not the best days of your life...they are simply a season of your life. Don't miss this getting to your adult life. Life is hard. The older I get the harder it seems to get for so many reasons. There are moments of great, moments of crap, and moments that just are. I rushed my whole life to grow up...now that I'm here, I desperately try to slow down the clock. The babies grow, birthday fly by, holidays come and go....I realize now how fast life really goes. My Grandpa told me when I graduated high school "your life will go so fast now"...I laughed thinking that's what old people say. He was so right. I have a feeling when I offer something to these two adorable 20 somethings I will say "your life will go so fast now..." they will laugh and think...That's what old people say....

Random Boxes and Miscellaneous Love

We got another box today. It's filled with random toys, snacks, comics he cut out, little miscellaneous notes and cards. These boxes arrive at holidays, birthdays or just whenever he gets a wild hair. He's my Dad. He's also an alcoholic. When I was growing up he was the type of alcoholic that hid vodka bottles in his car under the seat. He got drunk at at open opportunity. He was happy and nostalgic when he was drinking. The life of the party. When my parents got divorced; he really started drinking. Some years later he got let go from his job. Then lost the house, the cars, last but not least his sanity and dignity. For many years now I've lived in Florida. A safe distance from the chaos that he is. Safety for me is getting these random boxes and swallowing  the lump in my throat. I hand Ashley the latest toy and smile and say it's from Grandpa. What I don't say, what I can't tell her, is how my heart aches that he isn't a part of her life. If there was anything my Dad truly would have enjoyed it would be being a Grandpa. He has only met Ashley once for two hours. He has never met Jake. In fact, I didn't even tell him I had Jake for two weeks after I gave birth.  That's how it works now...He calls, I let it go to voicemail, listen to the message to determine how stable he is, then maybe call him back. He texts, if I can read it (meaning does it make sense), I will text back. We never see each other.

Growing up I was close with my Dad. We got along and more or less "got" each other. I look down as I type and I see my hands; his hands. I will always look at them and think of him. Today I simply am shocked he's still alive. I keep myself and my family away from him. I can't take the roller coaster ride that is alcoholism. I fought hard for many years, years of my life I should have been getting out into the world with my Dad's love and support. I fought to get him help. I tried to love him "well". The hardest lesson about alcoholic's or any addict for that matter is you cannot "love them well". At some junction in life I just shut my heart down. I stopped wondering where he was sleeping, what he was eating, IF he was eating.  I stopped feeling guilty about my house, my car or my soft bed....none of which he had. God whispered into my heart that I had to let go and let God; whatever that may be. Love him for what he is and what you get. It's as if I had to bury my Dad and give birth to what was left. The shell of a person who looks familiar but I have no connection. There are times like tonight however, in the still of the evening, when my heart breaks....again. I look over the dining room table at all the thoughtful stuff he sent and ask God again; why? Why is this my cross to bear? Why is this his journey? I cry. I let the tears fall and I pray. 1800 miles safely tucked away, I hide. So often I stuff away the sadness of him not knowing my kids; for him not being a part of my life. I am angry. I am angry for what I feel has been taken away from me, from my family. Everyday that goes by I think it's amazing he is still alive. Every year, every holiday....he is truly lucky. For the damage he has done to his body and mind; he should be dead. I will always wonder if I should have made more of an effort. I don't regret it now. The simple answer is make the effort, but it's complicated. And no. I will let God lead the way. I pray "if I need to go to him, if there is something I should do Lord...lay it on my heart. Till then I rest in the peace that you have brought us this far." I am hopeful somehow, by some miracle he will find peace here on earth. I will always wrestle with this. I understand he will always be my cross to bear. My heartache and heartbreak. I turn my eyes to my kids, my family and our future. Try not to focus on what I have lost but what their Dad and I will give to them. How lucky they are. How thankful I am they have a Dad that they don't ever have to "love well".

For tonight, I will tuck the cut out comic strips with little notes and cards away. Someday I will tell the kids my story. I want to show them the good things; the funny things about their Grandpa. I will recall the good memories with a smile; and pray.

Matters of the Heart

As I was getting ready for bed tonight the thought crossed my mind...what would I want my kids to know if I died. Sounds morbid right??..But honestly, we all have matters of our heart, dreams for them, hopes for their future...so I penned mine in their baby journals....Thought I would share some of mine:

1. I believe in God. Go to church. Learn about his word. He will get you through the roughest seas. He will make the impossible, possible. Have faith. 
2. Make good choices in friends. Don't hang out with kids/adults who make poor decision because you think you can help them make good ones. Odds are, you will make poor decisions with them before they make good ones with you.
3. Go to homecoming, snowball, prom, football games, etc... enjoy every season of your life. 
4. Don't worry about being popular or making the team. Just live your life. High school is a blip on the radar of life. You will learn so much but it's not everything. 
5. Go to college. Big or small I don't care, just go. Find something YOU like...not what your friends or boyfriend are into. 
6. Join an sorority/fraternity. You will make life long friends. They will be by your side even when years have passed and distance separates you. 
7. Live a little before you get married. Marriage is forever; make sure you know who you are before you decide who you want. 
8. Once you are married, TRAVEL. Enjoy being married before you have kids. 
9. Protect your marriage...Guardrails; read about them; put them in place.
10. If you choose to have kids, make sure you are ready. It's the most important job you will ever have. You don't want to screw it up.
11. Go to counseling. You need it. 
12. Put your cell phone/tablet/game system down.  Talk to your family and friends.
13. Look people in the eye.
14. Have a firm hand shake. 
15. Believe in yourself.
16. If you screw up, apologize. You will earn the respect of others by being humble.
17. Don't sleep around. Nobody likes a ho or player. Just sayin'. 
18. Don't dress trashy or with your underwear hanging out. Have more respect for yourself and those around you. Keep it classy.
19. Cherish and nurture your friendships. You will need them every season of your life. 
20. Enjoy your life. It goes by so fast. 

So many more but I picked out my fav's. When I think about parenting, I often think of all the time I have to teach them or tell them everything I need/want to. I pray I get the chance.

Think about it...what are some matters of YOUR heart you would want your kids to know? 

The Short Tight Rope

I hung up the phone and tears filled my eyes. It was 10:00am, I was at work, hair washed, a "good" outfit on and Ashley's school called. "Your daughter threw up and you need to come get her" they said. 
In a rush to get everyone out the door "on time" I had pushed her through breakfast. Even after her repeated attempts to tell me her tummy hurt and she wasn't hungry. Like a good soldier she forced down four strawberries, half a breakfast bar and milk. I told her no "special treat" after dinner; if you don't eat a good breakfast you can't have treats. She just nodded and asked "are you happy Mommy?" "Yes" I said sternly with teeth clenched, Jake hanging off my hip. " I just want you to eat...I don't want you to get hungry and grumpy later" I replied as sweetly as I could. I dropped her off, warned the teacher she "wasn't quite herself" and I was off. I dropped Jake at his school and then my turn to get to work. I fly like a bat out of hell and roll in 30 min late...as usual. Humf. 
When I got the call, I could feel the tension rising. My husband is out of town again, it's end of month at work, I don't have time for any hiccups. That's when the tears came. My co-worker and friend came in and I just looked up, tears streaming. "I can't do this" I whispered.  My mind was racing. I don't give work 100%, I don't give my kids 100% frankly my marriage, myself, family, friends...HA! they get almost nothing. Mom guilt is a terrible thing...If I wasn't racing 100 miles an hour every second of everyday, I wouldn't have missed her being sick. I would have known last night when she didn't eat dinner, something was up. When she asked me to lay with her at bed time; why didn't I? She seemed fine and honestly, I was spent. Just like every other day and night. I often feel like a rubber band about to snap. That if one more single thing happens I will surly break. My co-worker had some heavy, kind words. "Family first. You do give us (work) enough; more than enough..." Still, if I'm being honest, it's not enough. As a working mom, I will never be able to give either my children or my job what they REALLY need. Great. Then what? I guess Taylor Swift might be onto something....I guess we "Shake it off". Go at it again another day. Walk the tight rope. Dance the very intricate dance; all while hoping and praying we're not screwing up. 
I dried my eyes, packed my lap top up and headed out. The little one was laying on a mat in the directors office with a bucket next to her. "I suck" I thought.  Kids are filled with grace. She doesn't quite know how awful I feel. She just knows I'm here now. She is asleep on the couch for the second time today. We've had a good day. Watched one too many Mickey's for my taste...but it's not about me. If the "hot dog dance" makes her smile today...then me too. I can only pray I'm hitting 100% some of the time. The important times. Pray. 

2015 A New Begining

The light of the full moon is pouring in our family room window. I'm feeding little Jakey and my mind wanders...I read a blog tonight about a girl, presumably my age with two kids similar in age to mine. She was diagnosed with cancer at the end of December.  I tried to imagine the range of emotions. The terror, the anger and the sadness. I stare down at Jake and listen to his little baby noises. What a blessing he is to our family. I wonder how he would ever know how tenderly I hold him or rub his little feet. Who would ever tell him how absolutely precious these late night feedings are? While everyone else is tucked in bed and the craziness of the day is over...it's just us. If I had cancer. If that girl was me. What if I didn't make it through? Maybe I'm exhausted or maybe it's my hormones...but maybe this is one of those moments of clarity of pure emotion; heart spilling with love that I am often too busy to really feel. 
What a difference a year makes. January 2014 I was sick with hyperemesis and pregnant. Feeling at my absolute worst. EVER. Just cringing at the idea that I had 7 more months to go.  2014 was a year filled with emotion and struggle. My pregnancy was hard. A new baby and a toddler was/is hard. Going back to work with two kids in two different day cares was/is hard. Out of all that we got precious little Jake who is, as I call him "the best baby ever". His personality is chill and easy. He sleeps great. He eats like a horse. He just rolls with whatever we do.  Ashley has matured leaps and bounds. This was the year of a "big girl bed", her first stay at a ho-in-tel (Hotel), new class room, new teacher and a new life with a baby brother. These are the years some mom's have dubbed "the trenches"...and they are right. My husband and I are stretched thin. This was also a year of some new found friendships in these "trenches" and the comfort of old friends in the same situation. The raw honesty of a friend can dry tears and heal hearts. 
As I tuck Jakey in, my heart swells. What a year...what a crazy, glorious, struggle of a year. But here we are on the cusp of a new beginning...we will all turn another year older, the kids will change so much, we will ebb and flow as parents and husband and wife. I pray for a renewed sense of strength. A healthier way of living...aka shedding some pounds. I hope for growth. I want for joy, fun and laughter to fill our walls. 
I can't think about the what if's in life. The blog said it perfectly...this girl was just going along in life, trying losing weight, raising her kids, doing what all of us do. I guess that is the only way. Faith. Trust in God.  I hope I am living this life the best I can and if not, that I make the choice to do something about it. Here's to 2015 and all the hope, joy, faith and health we could wish for. Cheers!